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The following is a transcript of Episode 1: Zer0 Sum of Telltale Games' Tales from the Borderlands.

Marcus Kincaid: (narration) Back again? To hear another story of immense fortune and unthinkable peril? Wellllll... I have some time. The Borderlands of Pandora were told to contain mysterious alien treasure troves filled with advanced technology and incredible power. Vaults, the people called them... and to seek one out was to earn you the title of Vault Hunter... at least by me. You could say Handsome Jack was one such explorer, though his methods could be seen as... somewhat unsporting. He ran the corporation Hyperion... and died trying to claim Pandora as his own. History's attention is fickle, my friends. It will remember those pirates like Handsome Jack but forget the adventurers who risk it all for less... ah, obvious rewards. Stories - legends - those are much better at getting at the real spirit of things. Stories remember both sides of the tale.

Prosperity Junction (Present)

It shows a sign labeled: "Prosperity Junction: The Future is on Rails". A decayed skag corpse is seen. Rhys is near the sign holding a beeping ECHO communicator. He walks up to the sign as the beeping gets more frequent.

Rhys: Fiona? Come on! We can work this out!

The communicator beeps very frequently now. Rhys turns to see a stranger holding a shotgun.

Rhys: Fiona? What, is there some sort of radiation leak I don't know abou--

The Masked Kidnapper smacks Rhys in the face with his gun, sending him to the ground.

RHYS
Company man (you)

Rhys wakes up to him tied up with duct tape and being dragged by his feet by the Masked Kidnapper.

You have limited time to choose your words.

Rhys: Where exactly are we going?

Masked Kidnapper: I ask the questions.

Rhys: Okay... then, uh... do you mind asking yourself where you're taking me?

Rhys: What is happening right now?

Masked Kidnapper: I ask the questions.

Rhys: Okay... then do you mind asking yourself what you're doing?

Rhys: So... who are you?

Masked Kidnapper: I ask the questions.

Rhys: Okay... then do you mind asking yourself who you are?

Rhys says nothing.

The Masked Kidnapper stops dragging Rhys and kicks him in the side.

Rhys: Ooh, ah. Owww! What the hell?

Rhys: Owww. I didn't say anything!

Masked Kidnapper: (bends down) Tell me about the Gortys project.

Rhys: Is that what this is about? Look, Gortys is bad business. If you want a real hot investment, I am on the ground floor of some property on Eden--

The Masked Kidnapper stands back up and pulls out his shotgun and points it at Rhy's torso.

Rhys: Okay! Okay. Okay. Okay.

Masked Kidnapper: Don't be a smart-ass. (holds up shotgun) I'm not a patient person. So just start talking.

He starts dragging Rhys by his feet again.

Rhys: Just... where do you start when you're getting dragged through the desert and uh...

Masked Kidnapper: From the beginning.

Rhys: Right...

Helios (Past)

The camera pans up and it shifts to the space station.

Rhys: (narration) I guess it all started with a promotion... See I'd spent my entire career up at Hyperion... So, I suppose that makes me one of the bad guys in this story...

It shows Rhys and Vaughn walking through a hallway on Helios. Vaughn is chatting unimportantly to Rhys while Rhys ignores him. He stops in front of a picture of Handsome Jack and poses with his hands at his sides.

Rhys: (narration) And Handsome Jack, he was the baddest guy of 'em all... And I wanted to be just like him... Everyone did. Which... resulted in a company overflowing with assholes.

Rhys and Vaughn stop in front of a room with two midget psychos fighting while two Hyperion workers watch.

Vaughn: Animals...

Rhys: (narration) When Handsome Jack died... it somehow got even worse.

A Hyperion worker finger guns Rhys, and Rhys pretends that he got shot. Rhy finger guns him back.

Rhys: (narration) It took some time to fit in...

Rhys and Vaughn walk away. Rhys puts his finger to his head and pretends to shoot himself.

Rhys: (narration) but a few stabs in select backs, a new haircut and the help of a couple friends... I was on my way to get the promotion that was gonna change my life. Scratch that, our lives... for the better. I was a little distracted. It was a big day for us. Luckily Vaughn, was... concentrating on the important things.

Vaughn: What's the first thing you're gonna buy? I know what Henderson's making... I do his payroll.

VAUGHN
Your Best Friend!
(The Money Man)

Vaughn: If you're getting a fraction of what he earns, you'll be rolling in it.

Rhys: Eh, there are a couple sweet rides I've been looking at... more fitting of the position I'm gonna be in.

Vaughn: Where the hell would you even drive that thing? We're in space.

Rhys: I wouldn't actually use it. It would be more for looks.

Vaughn: Oh, right. Well, then that's a great idea.

Rhys: It's not about money, Vaughn... it's about the respect it gets you.

Vaughn: Yeah, you know who talks like that? Poor people that no one likes. Respect... It's nice, you know, but it's not nicer than a summer home on Eden-7. Get your priorities straight. Being an exec in Hyperion comes with expectations.

Rhys: I figure I could get lunch. Seems like a good place to start.

Vaughn: Well, then we're starting with 3 of whatever's most expensive.

Rhys: Sure.

Vaughn: And wine pairings.

Rhys: For lunch?

Vaughn: We're gonna get twisted, bro. If I'm not puking up five hundred dollars in food and alcohol this afternoon then we are doing it wrong.

Vaughn: I think I'm gonna buy a gun... Yeah, there's this sniper rifle I've been looking at for a while now, oh man. It's a Dahl, right. Uh, "Reaver's Edge." And it is awesome. You just feel so powerful holding it.

Vaughn: We're meeting with Yvette afterward to celebrate. She booked us a table.

Rhys: Yup. Sounds good.

They stop in front of Henderson's office.

Vaughn: Look, we had to do a lot of awful stuff to get you to this point. Do I regret some of it? Sure I do. Every night it haunts my dreams, but that doesn't matter now. Cause you made it. You deserve this man. And don't ever think you don't. And don't ever think about the eridium mine deal we put together. Those people have to work somewhere, right?

Rhys: You're damn right I deserve it. I earned this.

Vaughn won't forget this moment.

Vaughn: Well, Yvette and I did contribute.

Rhys: Right. Sure. You... You helped, some.

Rhys: Thanks for the help, Vaughn. Really. I couldn't have done this without you or Yvette.

Vaughn won't forget this moment.

Vaughn: Hey man, don't sweat it. I'm just happy we even got you here. You know I crunched the numbers one night and figured out there was a 45% chance someone would kill you before this day.

Rhys: Glad... that didn't happen.

Vaughn: Me too. It was, uh, real touch and go there for a bit.

Rhys: Hey, we made it, okay? We're in this together. If I'm moving up, we're all moving up. You can be certain of that.

Vaughn won't forget this moment.

Vaughn: I appreciate that, Rhys. You know, people around here have short memories when it comes to that stuff.

Rhys: You, me, Yvette... we're gonna run this place.

Vaughn: Yes we are.

Vaughn: Hey, if you're gonna be nervous, get it out here.

Vaughn: Alright, man. Let's get that Hyperion face on.

Rhys: Oh. Right. Yeah.

Rhys raises his eyebrow.

Rhys gives a blank stare.

Rhys does a fake smile.

Rhys does a sneer.

Vaughn: Hmm... No, we need a little condescending, it's a little too friendly right now. Okay, tell you what. Tilt your head back, uh, like if you asked me if there's anything up your nose.

Rhys tilts his head back a bit and smiles.

Rhys: How's that?

Vaughn: There you go. You don't respect me at all. Perfect.

Rhys gives a thumbs up. The doors to Henderson's office open up. Rhys enters the office. Vaughn waves to him before the doors close. Rhys's smile is wiped from his face. The main chair is facing away from Rhys.

Rhys: Mr... Henderson?

Vasquez: Have a seat, Rhys. I'll just be a second. (to Jerry on ECHO) No, I wasn't talking to you. Yes, I'm talking to you now.

Rhys starts walking up to his desk.

Vasquez: Yeah, but I don't want it in red. I want it in black. Because black is better, look don't concern yourself with "why?" okay, Jerry? Concern yourself with "how?"

Rhys is surprised to see that the nameplate on the desk reads: "HUGO VASQUEZ: SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF SECURITIES PROPAGANDA".

Vasquez: And just send the car over when it's ready.

Vasquez turns around in his chair and turns his holographic computer monitor around to show Rhys the car.

Vasquez: Company car. Didn't even have to ask.

VASQUEZ
Your Hyperion nemesis.

Vasquez: You look surprised to see me, Rhys... (puts feet on desk) and if I'm reading the situation right, and I usually am... you're not too happy about it either. This all came together quick. So you might not have been in the loop. But it's for the better... at least for me.

Silence is a valid option.

Rhys: So where's Henderson?

Vasquez: He... uh, stepped out.

Rhys: Uh, Henderson promised me a promotion.

Vasquez: I see. Well, Henderson is out... so, uh...

Rhys: Congratulations on your promotion. Love what you've done with the office. Going for the whole... minimalist thing.

Vasquez: Oh that's cute.

Rhys shrugs his eyebrows.

Rhys says nothing.

Vasquez: You're going to be reporting to me now, Rhys. (puts feet back down) And I want you to know the promotion that you worked so hard to get, that's still coming to you.

Rhys sits down in a chair.

Rhys: Well, that's a relief, cause I--

Vasquez: But this is about more than that, Rhys. It's about your future in this company.

Vasquez stands up and sits on his desk.

Vasquez: Look... you wanna know the reason why I'm in that chair... and you're not? For the exact same reason why North is North, why the handsome guy always gets the girl, and why every spaceship in the universe is shaped like a cock. It's destiny, Rhys... and men, real men, men like me... make their own. (walks up to his window) You can hold a grudge if you like, no harm no foul, your thoughts are your own. (turns to Rhys) But bad things can happen when you swim against fate.

Henderson's dead body is seen floating outside the window in space.

Vasquez: Sometimes men find themselves standing in the way of other men's destiny... You don't wanna be that man.

Rhys sees the body and unfolds his arms, staring in complete shock. Vasquez turns to see the body.

Vasquez: Wow... I could not have timed that better, that helps dramatically make my point... Which is this. (puts his hands on his desk) This promotion is gonna take you out of the way of other people's destiny, and put you on your path... And that, my friend, is why I am promoting you to-

Vasquez's intercom turns on.

Vasquez: Jerry, why isn't my new car digi-structed in my office yet?

August (ECHO): Vasquez. It's August.

Vasquez: Oh, August. Uh... Cool. Listen, I actually have somebody here with me so--

August (ECHO): Are you buyin' this Vault Key or what, cause I--

Vasquez presses a button on the intercom that sends August's audio to Vasquez's earpiece.

Vasquez: (to August) How did this happen so quick? I thought I'd have more time. Of course I'm still interested. I-- Yes. I'm near a computer. (turns computer back around) Ten million. Yeah. It's just... that's a lot of money to get together on such short notice. I mean, I'm not trying to be obstinate, but I need time.

Vasquez starts pacing back and forth.

Rhys: Ugh. Why do the biggest scumbags always have the best view?

Rhys: That should be me... only less Vasquezy.

Rhys: Three years sucking up to the guy, out the window.

Rhys tries to rotate the computer, but Vasquez stops and stares at him. Rhys pretends he is fixing his hair. Vasquez continues pacing. Rhys activates his Echo Eye. Rhys can now scan things.

ANALYSIS COMPLETE
PLANET: PANDORA
APHELION: 178,900,400 km
PERIHELION: 148,098,254 km
ECCENTRICITY: 0.0813351
SATELLITES: 1 Natural Moon
Pandora's potential for profit is
rivaled only by its potential to kill
you within minutes of setting foot
on its surface.

ANALYSIS COMPLETE
NAME: Hugo P. Vasquez
SPECIES: Homo sapien
ORIGIN: Demophon
AGE: 35
BLOOD PRESSURE: 140/90
PERSONAL CATCHPHRASES: "Rock
and Roll." "Lock and Load." "Ain't No
Thang." (Ironically)

ANALYSIS COMPLETE
NAME: Saul Henderson
ORIGIN: Aquator
SIGN: Pisces
AGE: 47
OCCUPATION: Senior VP of
Securities Propaganda (Former)
FAVORITE DONUT: That kind with
the sprinkles.
STATUS: Not well.

Rhys: What a waste... Such a nice suit.

Rhys scans the computer.

ANALYSIS COMPLETE
Holographic computer monitor
Cost: Expensive
Class: High
User ID: Hugo Vasquez

Currently viewing one [1] encrypted
file.

Rhys downloads and decrypts the file using his cybernetic arm. He gets to see the Vault Key. He puts his arm back down.

Vasquez: Why are you trying to screw me on this? Oh, fine. Just wait there, okay? I can only be down... If it's gonna be ten million dollars I'm gonna need another hour or two. Okay. Yeah. I'll be there in a bit. Well then just stay there. It's a tourist attraction. Buy a mug or something. Sure, sure, sure. Okay. Say hi to your mom. (hangs up) Dammit. (turns back to Rhys) Oh... Right. Ah... What were we talking about? Before we were... so rudely interrupted.

Rhys: You were lecturing me. It was taking a while.

Rhys: Uh, I think it was something about buying a Vault Key, right?

Vasquez: Oh, just like that? "Buyin' a Vault Key, right?" You're like a kid sounding out the words.

Rhys: We were talking... we were talking about my promotion.

Rhys sighs.

Vasquez: Oh... right. Your, uh, promotion. (sits on desk) Henderson was a fool. He didn't know his place. He needed lesson number 1... humility. But you. I respect you, Rhys. That's why I'm going to make you Assistant... Vice... Janitor.

Rhys: What? N-no. No, y-y-you can't.

Vasquez: I'm the boss now, Rhys. I do whatever I want. (stands up) Report to sewage scow twenty-three, effective immediately.

Rhys: You can't humiliate me. I quit.

Vasquez will remember that.

Vasquez: Careful now, kid. The only way you quit Hyperion, is the way Henderson did.

Rhys: (stands up) You better get an eye installed in the back of your head, 'cause, y-you never know when... I could be creeping up, behind you and you--

Vasquez punches Rhys to the ground.

Vasquez will remember that.

Vasquez: I'm your boss, Rhys. Get used to that. This is what I'm talking about when I say humility. That was lesson number 2. Don't make lesson number 3 about a number 2.

Rhys: What?

Vasquez: Don't make me crap on the floor and make you clean it up.

Rhys gets off the floor.

Rhys: Fine. I've had to do worse in my career.

Vasquez will remember that.

Vasquez: That's the spirit, Rhys. Nothing teaches you humility faster than scrubbing toilets.

Rhys stands up and glares at him. Vasquez punches Rhys to the ground.

Vasquez: I'm your boss, Rhys. Get used to that. This is what I'm talking about when I say humility. That was lesson number 2. Don't make lesson number 3 about a number 2.

Rhys: What?

Vasquez: Don't make me crap on the floor and make you clean it up.

Rhys gets off the floor.

Vasquez: You're dismissed, Rhys.

Rhys stands up if he hasn't already and walks out of the office.

Vasquez: (calling out) I'll let you know when I need my trashcan emptied.

Vaughn has been listening on the outside. The door opens and Rhys steps out. The door closes. Vaughn walks up to Rhys.

Vaughn: What the hell was that? He can't do this to us!

Rhys: He just did.

Vaughn: (shakes his head) No... No, no, this can't be happening.

Rhys and Vaughn start walking together.

Rhys: I'm finished, Vaughn. I'm finished. You know how this place is. There's blood in the water, and everyone can smell it.

A worker passing by rubs his head awkwardly.

Vaughn: No. No. No they can't. Not yet. Unless you don't quiet down. We just gotta keep it on the down low until we figure something out. It's not that bad yet.

Rhys kicks the trashcan over. The alarm goes off.

Vaughn bumps into the trashcan and knocks it over. The alarm starts going off. Rhys is frustrated at Vaughn, who pushes his glasses up and shrugs at Rhys.

Intercom Woman: Senior Vice Janitor Rhys to sector D451 for trash cleanup because that is your job now, to clean up trash with your bare hands.

Rhys and Vaughn's friend Yvette walks up to them. She crosses her arms.

Rhys: Sorry, you were saying something. I interrupted you.

Yvette: Rhys... why are you cleaning up trash? I thought you were getting a promotion... Trash duty seems like the opposite of a promotion.

Rhys: Vasquez screwed me out of the promotion.

TBC

Rhys: Henderson's dead.

Yvette: What? Are you sure?

Rhys: Yeah. I mean, you can ask him yourself, he's floating outside in space.

Vaughn: It's that prick Vasquez.

Vaughn: It's that prick Vasquez.

Vaughn: He threw Henderson out of an airlock and demoted Rhys to trashman.

Yvette: Holy crap. (crosses arms) So does that mean you're not buying?

YVETTE
Your Other Best Friend.
[Requisitions & Lunch Leech]

Rhys glares at her and starts walking.

Yvette: (unfolds arms) Well, just... trying to lighten the mood...

Vaughn and Yvette follow Rhys.

Yvette: ...and I didn't bring my wallet, so if someone pays for me...

Vaughn: I'll tell you who's gonna pay. Vasquez.

Yvette: I don't know if he's the type to-

Vaughn: We can't let that prick get away with this. We need to do something.

Yvette: He just killed a guy. Maybe it's better we lay low for a bit...

Vaughn: What? No way! We hit back.

Rhys: We could throw him out an airlock... worked on Henderson.

Yvette: Yeah... except I'm not a murderer.

Rhys: Oh, right.

Yvette: There's no way Hyperion would let Vasquez do that to him unless there was good reason.

Vaughn: The vault key! That's it.

Yvette: What vault key?

Vaughn: Vasquez has a deal set up on Pandora to buy one.

Rhys: We steal his deal. We steal his deal.

Vaughn: Yes. That's what I'm talking about.

Yvette: What are you talking about?

Rhys: Vasquez set up a deal on Pandora for a vault key.

Yvette: Woah.

Rhys: We're gonna ruin his career.

Yvette: How do you plan on doing that?

Rhys: Yeah, Vasquez set up a deal on Pandora for a vault key.

Yvette: Woah. A vault key?

Rhys: Uh-huh. And I'm sure he promised it to Hyperion.

Vaughn: Man... poor Henderson... yeah, he was a bastard but... he was our bastard, you know?

Yvette: There's no way Hyperion would let Vasquez do that to him unless there was good reason.

Vaughn thinks a bit before remembering.

Vaughn: The vault key! I mean, that's- that's gotta be it.

Rhys looks surprised.

Yvette: What vault key?

Vaughn: Vasquez has a deal set up on Pandora to buy one.

Vaughn: That must be why he got the promotion. The only thing Hyperion cares more about than money is vault keys. It's perfect! I mean, not only do we screw over Assquez, we have a frickin' vault key. What're they worth? Like a billion dollars?

Yvette: More.

Rhys: Yeah, but we need ten million dollars, right now, to make the deal.

Vaughn: Hold please...

They all stop. Vaughn uses his glasses to wire the money to his account.

Vaughn: Done.

Rhys: I'm not gonna lie... that was impressive.

Vaughn: I'm in accounting. It's what I do. Ten million bucks is chump change around here. By the time anyone notices we'll have a vault key.

Rhys and Vaughn start walking.

Yvette: Cool. Well, looks like you boys got it all figured out. I'm gonna go eat... alone. (turns and starts to leave) Call me if you don't get killed, alright?

Vaughn rushes over to her.

Vaughn: Whoa, whoa whoa! Hey! We need your help. We need clearance, transportation. You're a requisitions master. We need that stuff.

Rhys: Yeah, maybe a Loader Bot or two, you know, if things get dicey.

Yvette: Look... it's one thing stealing from a bunch of suckers on Pandora... you're talking about stealing from Hyperion.

Rhys walks over to them.

Vaughn: But we're friends! Friends help each other steal stuff. I mean, that's how it works.

Yvette: Richter used to steal candy bars. His family still doesn't know where the body is.

Vaughn: Richter was an asshole and his family are assholes.

Rhys: Please, Yvette? You want me to get stuck in the awful existence of being a janitor.

Yvette will remember that.

Yvette: Vasquez really screwed us, didn't he... Fine... but I'm still hungry.

Rhys: No problem.

Rhys: Come on. I'll buy you that lunch I owe you when we get back.

Yvette will remember that.

Yvette: Fine. But you're buying me lunch now, and when you get back.

Rhys: Done.

Rhys: Come on, Yvette. We're in this together. One of us moves up, we all move up.

Yvette will remember that.

Vaughn: Yeah. And by that same logic, in some way, we all just got demoted to janitor. Do you really want that?

Yvette: Vasquez really screwed us, didn't he... Fine. But I'm still hungry.

Rhys: No problem.

Vaughn: Look, we've always said, one of us moves up, and we all move up.

Yvette: Riiight.

Vaughn: And by that logic, in some way, we all just got demoted to janitor. Do you really want that?

Yvette: Fine... but I'm still hungry.

They all start walking together.

Rhys: Alright, we only got a couple more hours.

Yvette: Go withdraw the cash, I'll get you guys clearance to Pandora, get you geared up and issue you a standard Hyperion town car.

Vaughn: What? Standard? Really? You can't spring for premium? Seat warmers, maybe a convertible or something-

Yvette: Sure, yeah, a convertible. So, just so I got this straight, you want me to get you a car to drive around Pandora that leaves you less protected, right?

Vaughn: Look, it's just, if you're gonna steal something, I figure-

Rhys: No. No... don't worry... I've got a car in mind.

It cuts to Pandora in a trunk shot. A man is digging up treasure. The song "Busy Earnin'" by Jungle plays on his boombox. He dives into the hole and comes out with a supply chest. He holds it up and smiles at it. The man hears something launch from Helios and turns to it in the sky. Suddenly, he is shot in the head offscreen with a sniper rifle by a common marauder. The marauder walks over to the supply chest and opens it. Suddenly, Rhys and Vaughn, riding in Vasquez's car, land on the marauder, killing him. They drive as two bandits watch them from afar. The armor on the car comes off. Rhys shifts gears on the car and speeds forward as a rakk flies above them. They eventually come across the sign for Prosperity Junction with a psycho hanging from it by a noose. Rhys and Vaughn look nervous about it as they drive past it. Suddenly, a skag is in the middle of the road.

Vaughn: AHHH CRAP!

Rhys hits the skag as the music stops. The car spins and screeches to a halt.

Rhys: Holy freakin' crap, what was that? Oh, why? Why? Why in the world would you cross right there?

Vaughn: What did we even-- what did we even hit? I hope that wasn't like a really ugly person. (looks back at it) Ugh, shhhhhhcrap. I think we-- I think we killed it. Are we murderers now? We-We're murderers. We're murderers. Great. Great, we murder. You know, I thought it would take longer than 20 seconds before that happened.

Rhys: Well, at least it didn't suffer.

Vaughn: Yeah, I guess. Sucks, though.

Rhys: Yeah. Sucks.

Rhys: Relax, Vaughn, it's a skag. They breed like hostile rabbits down here.

Vaughn: Still. It's kinda sad. Yeah. "Kinda."

Rhys: Vaughn... I'm more worried about the dent in the car, okay.

Vaughn: First of all, it's Vasquez's company lease, and second, I'm sorry that I... brake for birds or whatever, but...

Rhys: Yeah, yeah, but you wouldn't brake for monster birds, that thing was a... a nightmare creature.

Vaughn: Just drive.

Rhys stares at Vaughn.

Vaughn: What.

Rhys puts a finger to his lips.

Vaughn: Oh, right... yeah.

The skag squirms a bit. Rhys continues to drive forward as a rakk flies overhead.

Prosperity Junction (Past)

Rhys drives the car slowly into Prosperity Junction. Two bandits are beating a man on the ground.

Vaughn: So... What do we say if someone asks where we got the money?

Rhys: What do you mean?

Vaughn: I mean, what do we tell people? We should have a story. I would prefer not to tell them that we stole it from Hyperion. That would not go over well. I just think we need a plan of some sort.

Rhys: We can just say it's for charity.

Vaughn: What does that even mean?

Rhys: We say it's some sort of "Open a Vault for Pandorans," kind of deal. People love stuff when it's attached to a charity. They hardly ever question their intentions.

Rhys: Let's just say Vasquez gave it to us to make the deal. It's easier that way.

Vaughn: Yeah... I guess I wanted a cooler plan, but I suppose that'll work.

Rhys: We just need to create some sort of distraction.

Vaughn: What? How?

Rhys: Oh, hey, your fly's down.

Vaughn looks down and realizes he's been tricked.

Rhys: Eh? Eh?

Vaughn: I don't think that's gonna work.

Rhys: We just tell 'em the truth... that we stole it.

Vaughn: How is that a good idea?

Rhys: Hey, we're on Pandora. We'll actually get more street cred if it seems like we're bigger criminals than we are.

Vaughn: Okay, that makes sense.

Vaughn: Uh, ok --okay, I guess we just say we're his personal assistants... I mean, he's got enough of those, it wouldn't surprise anyone.

Vaughn looks at the bandits beating up the man.

Vaughn: Sooooo.... this looks... not good.

Bandit: Got ourselves a hero here! (turns to Vaughn) What are you looking at?!

Vaughn stops looking.

Rhys: It's Pandora, what did you expect?

Vaughn: Yeah, no, I know... (opens briefcase of money) I-- I guess I'm just now more acutely aware that I have 10 million dollars chained to me is all. (closes briefcase) In a neighborhood, I might add, of backplanet nutjobs. I'm just getting a vibe, you know?

Rhys: Vaughn, don't be such a wuss. (punches Vaughn on the arm)

Vaughn: You know, when you say things like that, I sometimes forget you're pretending to be the guy who would say things like that.

Rhys: It's... Wait, what? Okay look, it's a boring dusty old town, nothing more, alright?

Vaughn: Sure.

Rhys: What the Hell are you afraid of, huh? It's a town, like any other, just a little more dust.

Vaughn: "What am I afraid of?" Oh, I don't know, old mining communities stranded on a planet getting prospector madness and eating us for one...

Rhys: Just keep your eyes open for the place, okay? I don't wanna be here any longer than we have to.

Vaughn: Yeah.

Rhys: And watch the money.

Vaughn: (sarcastically) Oh, really?

Vaughn: Rhys? (imitating Rhys) "Yeah, Vaughn, I agree." Yeah, this place is a garbage land of sand and sadness.

Rhys: Listen, one tap on the arm, and Yvette can send down a Loader Bot if things get too entertaining.

Vaughn: That's true.

Rhys: And she gave me this. (pulls out stun baton) It is a stun baton. I do not know how it works, but it's definitely neat. (puts it away)

Vaughn: Yeah, a stick. Neato. God, I can't wait to be in that chair. You and me, Yvette... I mean, we bring this key back, and they're gonna make us the once and future kings of that place for sure. They'll send in a crew to use the key... And then that's it. Then it's kick back on the moon beach time.

Rhys: Don't think so small, my friend. We're not just gonna run Hyperion, we're gonna be responsible for plundering a Vault.

Vaughn will remember that.

Rhys: You can count on two fingers the number of people who have even gotten close to that.

Vaughn: Yeah.

Rhys: There's only room at the top for one.

Vaughn will remember that.

Vaughn: You're joking. Right?

Rhys: Don't worry, you'll still be my loyal retainer.

Vaughn: You are unbelievable.

Rhys: Yeah, yeah, we'll pop champagne and everything after we get back with the key.

Vaughn: Ah c'mon, it's in the bag.

Vaughn will remember that.

Vaughn: All in a day's work. (pats Rhys)

Rhys smiles at Vaughn.


Rhys continues to drive slowly through Prosperity Junction. A monorail passes above them. The tracker on the case starts to beep.

Vaughn: The tracker's beep beep beeping but I don't see the place.

Rhys: It's "The World of Curiosities," right?

Vaughn: Yeah, do you see it?

Rhys suddenly breaks for a bandit crossing in front of them.

Rhys: No.

The bandit walks over to a man at a skag skewer cart.

Vaughn: Could ask one of them... They seem... normalish. Normalish enough, anyway.

Rhys: What an excellent idea.

Vaughn: I thought so myself.

Rhys: Or you could ask one of them.

Vaughn: You're the closer, right. So close. Get us some direction.

Rhys: I don't know... we can still just find it... I hate asking for help.

Vaughn: We're on a very strict time limit, here, Rhys. If Vasquez comes down before we're finished... I mean... I don't even...

Vaughn: Time's a wastin', let's figure out where we're going.

Rhys and Vaughn get out of the car.

Rhys walks over and knocks on the porto-potty.

Bandit: (inside) Back off!

Rhys walks away as the bandit grunts and farts in the toilet.

ANALYSIS COMPLETE
"Dook Hut"
Portable Chemical Toilet
Manufacturer: Dahl
Model: 109VE "Titan Class"
Probability of Contatining Loot:
Weirdly High

"For the Pandoran with a Titan ass,
make sure your toilet is Titan
Class."

Rhys: Hi, sir, yes, do you...

The bandit takes a bite out of his skag skewer.

Rhys: I think I'm just gonna skip this guy.

Vaughn shrugs.

Rhys: Hey, do you know where the "World of Curiosities" is?

The bandit turns to face the wall.

Rhys: (sigh) Okay.

Rhys: I have a feeling he's somewhat inebriated.

Rhys: (bends down) Excuse me, but do you know where the "World of Curiosities" is?

The bandit snores.

Rhys: Right, well... don't trouble yourself.

ANALYSIS COMPLETE
Atlas
Primary Industries:
-Weapons
-Mining
-Finding Vaults
-Getting beaten by Handsome Jack

HA. I rule.

ANALYSIS COMPLETE
Local "food"
Contents:
-64% Skag Meat
-35% Other Meat
-01% Smoke
Nutrition: (Awaiting results -
Assigned food tester in hospital)

Rudiger is flipping over skag skewers.

Rhys: Not a very handsome fellow, is he?

Vaughn: We don't have all day here, Rhys.

Rhys walks over to Rudiger to talk to him. Rhys crosses his arms. Rudiger stops what he's doing and looks up at Rhys.

Rhys: Do you know where the World of Curiosities is?

Rudiger doesn't answer.

Rhys: Uh...

Vaughn: It should be around here.

Rudiger: You lost?

Vaughn: Um...

Rudiger: What are you here for?

Rhys: Uhhh, why do you even care?

Rudiger: Because you're drivin' your ass wagon all through my town, kickin' up earth, stirrin' up spiderants, and when the spiderants come, people get killed.

Vaughn: Sorry, um, we didn't...

Rhys: Look, guy, it's none of your business why we're here.

Rudiger: Oh, you're a right kitten, aren't ya? It's none of my business why you're drivin' your wagon through my town?

Rhys: It's just a simple business deal... a few papers to sign, and then we're out, easy.

Rudiger: (looks at briefcase) Huh. Those the "papers?"

Vaughn: Of a sort.

Rudiger: What. are. you. here. for.

Rhys: (clears throat) Hi, excuse me, uh, sir, do you know where the, uh, "World of Curiosities" is?

Rudiger doesn't answer.

Rhys: Uh...

Vaughn: It should be around here.

Rudiger: You lost?

Vaughn: Um...

Rudiger: What are you here for?

Rhys: Uhhh, why do you even care?

Rudiger: Because you're drivin' your ass wagon all through my town, kickin' up earth, stirrin' up spiderants, and when the spiderants come, people get killed.

Vaughn: Sorry, um, we didn't...

Rhys: Look, guy, it's none of your business why we're here.

Rudiger: Oh, you're a right kitten, aren't ya? It's none of my business why you're drivin' your wagon through my town?

Rhys: It's just a simple business deal... a few papers to sign, and then we're out, easy.

Rudiger: (looks at briefcase) Huh. Those the "papers?"

Vaughn: Of a sort.

Rudiger: What. are. you. here. for.

Rhys: Hey! Yo Grease face. You know, the guy with the, weird... meat thing.

Grease Face will remember that.

Rhys: You know where the "World of Curiosities" is, cause my buddy and I, we gotta be there like, you know, like right now.

Rudiger: Say that again.

Vaughn: Rhys, what are you doing?

Rudiger: Yeah, Rhys... what are you doing? Repeat what you said. Just so there's no... misunderstanding.

Rhys: What? You got a greasy face. Look! Get some lotion, get some gel, do a wrap or something... I mean, if you wanna lash out, you know, blame your genes, it's not your fault.

Vaughn: Oh, look, fella, um, my friend is really, really, sorry. He's got some kind of, uh, condition where he says really stupid crap just to see what'll happen. (chuckles)

Rhys: I was just kidding, fella, come on now. We're new to... It's alright, it's alright... we're new here, okay, passing through, and we just thought you might be able to give us some directions.

Rudiger: You lost?

Vaughn: Um...

Rudiger: What are you here for?

Rhys: Uhhh, why do you even care?

Rudiger: Because you're drivin' your ass wagon all through my town, kickin' up earth, stirrin' up spiderants, and when the spiderants come, people get killed.

Vaughn: Sorry, um, we didn't...

Rhys: Look, guy, it's none of your business why we're here.

Rudiger: Oh, you're a right kitten, aren't ya? It's none of my business why you're drivin' your wagon through my town?

Rhys: It's just a simple business deal... a few papers to sign, and then we're out, easy.

Rudiger: (looks at briefcase) Huh. Those the "papers?"

Vaughn: Of a sort.

Rudiger: What. are. you. here. for.

TBC

Rudiger: Do you not speak my language? Ooga booga? Crab got your tongue?

Rhys stares at him awkwardly. Rudiger looks up at him.

Rhys: Uh...

Vaughn: It should be around here.

Rudiger: You lost?

Vaughn: Um...

Rudiger: What are you here for?

Rhys: Uhhh, why do you even care?

Rudiger: Because you're drivin' your ass wagon all through my town, kickin' up earth, stirrin' up spiderants, and when the spiderants come, people get killed.

Vaughn: Sorry, um, we didn't...

Rhys: Look, guy, it's none of your business why we're here.

Rudiger: Oh, you're a right kitten, aren't ya? It's none of my business why you're drivin' your wagon through my town?

Rhys: It's just a simple business deal... a few papers to sign, and then we're out, easy.

Rudiger: (looks at briefcase) Huh. Those the "papers?"

Vaughn: Of a sort.

Rudiger: What. are. you. here. for.

Rudiger notices the Hyperion logo on your jacket.

Rudiger: You're Hyperion? (walks to Rhys with a hatchet) You egg-suckers ruined this town, you know that? Atlas were bastards, but at least they had the good sense to fail. When Jack came in he turned everything to smoke.

Rhys: Listen, all we want are directions to the World of Curiosities, that's it, okay? We get that, and we're gone.

Rudiger: "Gone," huh?

Rhys: (turns to Vaughn) Oh my God, who called in the whaaambulance, huh? (turns to Rudiger) Look, if you don't know where the World of Curiosities is, stop wasting our time and just tell us so we can move on to the next hole of garbage that you people call a suburb and see if their morons know any better.

Rudiger: You know... I thought today was gonna be boring.

Rhys: (sigh) Okay. (pulls out money) What's it gonna take. Huh? How much? Twenty? Fifty?

Rudiger: It'd take a lot more than that.

Rudiger: And it's you and assholes like you that made it happen.

Vaughn: Look, man, we really don't know anything about that.

Rudiger turns his attention to Vaughn.

Rudiger: Hey, little man... (slams hatchet into cart) What's in the case? walks toward Vaughn) Hey, kitty cat. Show us what's in the case.

Rhys stops Rudiger by blocking him. They glare at each other. Rudiger turns around.

Rhys: Okay, now look... before we get all...

The sleeping bandit gets up.

Rhys: Bent... huuohhh...

Another bandit walks toward them. Rhys and Vaughn start walking backward.

Vaughn: Is there... like a... convention or something...?

A bandit busts out of the porto-potty.

Rhys: Oh, uh. Bandits.

Rudiger: You know what we got here? (puts on bandit helmet)

Vaughn: Rhys. Do the...

Rudiger: We got a couple Hyperion warmongers, gentlemen. (crosses arms)

Vaughn: The bot. Yvette. Prime it.

Rhys pulls Yvette up on ECHO with his cybernetic arm.

Yvette (ECHO): (sigh) Already? Really?

Rhys: Just, we need a Loader Bot, okay?

A nomad busts out of a door.

Rhys: Give me the menu.

Rhys pulls up the Loader Bot menu.

Yvette (ECHO): Okay, but don't go bananas. These things ain't cheap.

Rudiger: And do you know what we do with warmongers? Do you know what we do? Should we tell them what we do with Hyperion workers?

Yvette (ECHO): Who is that?

Vaughn: Rhys... c'mon, just get it.

Rhys chooses a primary weapon of either a riot shield or a machine gun and a secondary weapon of either sticky longbow grenades or a rocket launcher.

Automated Voice: Loader Bot deployed.

Loader Bot is seen deploying from Helios.

Rudiger: Time to clock in.

Bandit 1: Yeeeeehaaww!

Rudiger: Listen, boys... you're gonna hand over that case... or you're handin' over your heads. Your choice. (walks toward them)

Vaughn: Look, guys, let's talk about this!

Three bandits walk toward them. One with a machine gun gets crushed to death by the newly deployed Loader Bot, sending the other bandits diving for cover.

Rhys: Ooh. Got quiet all of a sudden.

Loader Bot unfolds itself and stands up straight with its primary weapon. Rhys crosses his arms and smiles.

Loader Bot: Hi.

Everyone stands in awkward silence for a few seconds. Rhys and Vaughn stare at each other. The bandits suddenly pull out their weapons.

Bandits: Kill 'em all! (start shooting)

Rhys dives behind a crate and Vaughn dives behind the car as the bandits start shooting Loader Bot.

Vaughn: Why isn't it doing anything?!

Loader Bot: Angry eyes detected. Awaiting instruction.

Rhys: (pulls up arm) It only does what I tell it to!

Vaughn: Well tell it to do something already!

Loader Bot: Please stop shooting me.

Vaughn: Rhys? Do something! You know, make it do something!

This will continue until you raise your weapon.

Rhys controls Loader Bot and makes it hold up its primary weapon.

Loader Bot: Engaging target.

Rhys: See? Piece of cake.

Vaughn: You have to tell it what to do, Rhys!

Loader Bot: I am become... shame.

This will continue until you use your weapon.

Vaughn: Rhys, what are you doing?

Loader Bot: Taking damage. Ow.

Loader Bot shoots the bandit on the left with the machine gun. The other bandit jumps onto Loader Bot and starts shooting it in the face. Loader Bot shakes the bandit off and he flies into the car. Loader Bot then shoots this bandit to death.

Loader Bot shoots the bandit on the right with the machine gun. The other bandit jumps onto Loader Bot and starts shooting it in the face. Loader Bot raises his machine gun to the bandit's face and shoots him off.

Vaughn: Rhys, what are you doing?

Loader Bot: Taking damage. Ow.

Loader Bot swings his shield around and strikes the left bandit to the ground. Loader Bot then raises his shield up and swings down on the other bandit.

Loader Bot raises his shield up and swings down on the right bandit. Loader Bot then swings his shield around and strikes the other bandit to the ground.

Loader Bot: War. Does not compute. What is it good for?

Rhys: Ever since Jack died, the Loader Bots have been getting smarter and smarter.

Vaughn: I like to think we all have.

A nomad walks up to the porto-potty and begins to tear its door off.

Rhys: He must really have to go.

The nomad tears off the door and uses it as a shield.

Rhys: That's not good.

The nomad picks up a dead bandit's gun and begins to shoot at Loader Bot.

Rhys: Oh, come on!

Loader Bot tries to shoot at the nomad but the door blocks the bullets.

Loader Bot holds the shield up.

Nomad: Kill the robot thing!

Loader Bot swings around and chucks a sticky grenade at the nomad. It explodes and leaves him open to fire.

Nomad: Arghh!

Loader Bot locks onto the nomad and fires a rocket at the nomad, leaving him open to fire.

Nomad: Arghh! Take cover, boys!

Loader Bot fires upon the nomad, shooting him into the porto-potty.

Loader Bot rams the nomad into the porto-potty.

Loader Bot walks up to Rudiger. He gives a battle cry. A bandit on a nearby roof pulls out a RPG and aims it at Loader Bot. A peaking out Vaughn notices this.

Vaughn: Rocket, rocket, rocket!

Rhys: I know!

Loader Bot shifts to the left to dodge the rocket. Rudiger smugly holds up his hands and more bandits come to attack.

Bandit 2: I see you, sucka!

Loader Bot pulls out a grenade and acquires the targets of the RPG bandit and two other bandits. It swings around again and chucks the grenade at the bandits. It disappears for a few seconds, confusing the bandits, before reappearing and sticking to a wall. It explodes and shocks the bandits.

Bandits: Yeeaarghhg!

Loader Bot acquires the targets of the RPG bandit and two other bandits.

Loader Bot: Welcome to oblivion. (fires rockets at them)

Bandit 2: This suckkkkks!

The rockets hit and destroy the bandits.

Vaughn: Well, now I know why these cost so much.

Rudiger comes over and punches Vaughn.

Vaughn: Ooof!

Rudiger takes the case, not realizing it is chained to Vaughn.

Rudiger: Thank you kindly. (gets in the car)

Vaughn: Ugh, wait wait wait wait! Wait!

Rudiger starts to drive the car, dragging Vaughn with him.

Vaughn: Rhyyyys! Oh, shi-- help! I'm attached to a moving vehicle! Stop him!

Rhys: (stands up) Uh, Loader Bot, go get that car!

Loader Bot saunters after the car.

Loader Bot: Stop. Thieves.

Rhys sprints after them. The car speeds away and is blocked by a bandit caravan that crashes in front of it. The bandits inside stick their guns through the windows and begin firing at Loader Bot. Loader Bot blocks the bullets with his weapon before jumping right over the caravan, leaving Rhys exposed. He jumps around and cowers in panic before jumping to the left to safety. Rhys gets up and runs down an alley. Suddenly, a bandit attacks him from above.

Bandit 3: Die now! (kicks Rhys to the ground) I'm gonna cook you! (swings axe down on Rhys)

Rhys dodges the axe and the axe goes between his legs. Rhys crawls backwards toward a wall and gets back on his feet. The bandit tries to attack Rhys again but Rhys dodges to the left, causing the bandit's axe to get stuck to the wall. Rhys punches the bandit with his normal arm, causing him to cry in pain. The bandit punches Rhys in the stomach and continues to try and reclaim his axe. Rhys notices that his stun baton fell out of his pocket. He picks it up and presses its button, making it extend and send the bandit flying into a building in slow motion.

Rhys: Huh. Interesting.

Another bandit with a fireax comes running down the alley after Rhys. Rhys backs up and ducks and dodges to avoid his strikes. Rhys whacks the bandit in the backside and sends him straight into a wall.

Rhys: Huh... alright.

Rhys tries to advance forward but a marauder and a nomad stand in his way.

Rhys whacks the bandit he just beat into the legs of the nomad, knocking him down. Rhys hits the marauder into the left wall and then hits him in the leg, sending him spinning in the air before hitting the ground. Rhys can attack the nomad by hitting him in the face and the groin, to no avail. The nomad picks Rhys up by the neck and holds him against the wall. Rhys hits the nomad and then sticks his stun baton through the nomad's eyehole, killing him. The nomad falls over but Rhys gets out of his way.

Rhys ducks past the marauder and goes after the nomad. Rhys can attack him by hitting him in the face and the groin, to no avail. The nomad picks Rhys up by the neck and holds him against the wall. Rhys hits the nomad and then sticks his stun baton through the nomad's eyehole, killing him. The nomad either falls on Rhys or Rhys dodges him. The marauder yells at Rhys before Rhys kills him with the baton.

Rhys whacks the bandit he just beat into the legs of the nomad, knocking him down. Rhys hits the marauder into the left wall and then hits him in the leg, sending him spinning in the air before hitting the ground. The nomad gets back up. Rhys can attack the nomad by hitting him in the face and the groin, to no avail. The nomad picks Rhys up by the neck and holds him against the wall. Rhys hits the nomad and then sticks his stun baton through the nomad's eyehole, killing him. The nomad either falls on Rhys or Rhys dodges him.

Rhys runs up the stairs and onto a platform. He spots Loader Bot holding up the car as bandits shoot at him.

Rhys: Vaughn! Vaughn, where are you?!

Suddenly, Rudiger comes up next to Rhys and takes off his helmet while holding his hatchet.

GREASE FACE
He's got a greasy face.

RUDIGER
Kill 'em and Grill 'em

Rhys: What did you do with Vaughn?

Rudiger: How the hell should I know! Your frickin' bot tossed us both out. Now kindly stand still and die!

He tries to kill Rhys but Rhys hits the hatchet away and it kills a bandit. Rudiger backs away slowly. Rhys taps Rudiger and sends him flying into a sign. The metal covering the sign falls off, revealing the "World of Curiosities" sign.

Rhys: That's all I wanted to know! We could've avoided all of this.

Loader Bot: Ow.

Bandit 4: Get your ass gone!

Rhys: Okay, okay, okay, Loader Bot... put the car down.

Loader Bot: Sure thing. (throws the car at the bandits) Bandits imminent.

More bandits arrive. Rhys hops to the ground. Vaughn waves him over to cover and they hide behind Loader Bot.

Vaughn: Rhys! Do something!

Loader Bot: Bing. Weapons subsystem requires your attention.

Rhys: Alright, we'll have to improvise. (pulls up cybernetic arm)

Loader Bot: Time to get funky.

Rhys optimizes Loader Bot, combining both weapons he chose.

Loader Bot: Circumstances... analyzed.

Loader Bot: (shoves grenade into machine gun) Enhancing... weaponry. (fires grenades at bandits, killing them)

Rhys: Oh. Grenade launcher.

Loader Bot: Lo, I am become death, destroyer of bandits. (fires grenades at caravan, destroying it)

Loader Bot: (fires machine gun at bandits) Engaging... disproportionate response mode. (spins while firing rockets)

Rhys: This thing is amazing!

Loader Bot kills all the bandits, then fires a rocket at the caravan.

Loader Bot puts three grenades on its shield and picks Rhys and Vaughn up with one hand. It then flies into the air.

Rhys: Easy, buddy!

Loader Bot slams to the ground, causing the grenades to explode and kill all but one bandit. The last bandit tries to run into the caravan, but Loader Bot pulls out another grenade.

Loader Bot: Batter up. (tosses the grenade to Rhys)

Rhys strikes the grenade like a baseball onto the bandit, shocking and killing him as well as destroying the caravan.

Rhys: What is happening!

Loader Bot fires rockets upward.

Vaughn: I don't know!

Loader Bot: Come here, little ones. (grabs Rhys and Vaughn)

Loader Bot shields itself and Rhys and Vaughn as the rockets come down and kill all the bandits.

Rhys and Vaughn: AhhhhhhH!

After the carnage, several bandit corpses fall from the sky, one of which land on the car.

Loader Bot: Fatality.

Suddenly, more bandits come from the caravan and attack

Rhys: Oh, come on!

Loader Bot gets shot at while Vaughn tries to open the barred door behind them.

Vaughn: How are we gonna get inside?

Rhys: Uh... we could...

Loader Bot lifts Rhys and Vaughn up.

Rhys: Yeah, that.

Vaughn: Uhmm.

Loader Bot lifts the two over the door and into the building. It gives Rhys and Vaughn a thumbs up.

Rhys: Thanks, Loader Bot.

Suddenly, a bandit jumps on Loader Bot's back.

Loader Bot: Wait, what? This is totally uncool. (tries to swing bandit off) Why must the universe punish the good.

Two bandits shoot Loader Bot's leg off.

Loader Bot: Ow. (reaches out) Help. Please.

A bandit rips Loader Bot's arm off.

Loader Bot: The metal is willing but the spirit is weak.

Vaughn: C'mon, Rhys, just tell it to run.

Automated Voice: Self-destruct option... available.

Bandits start beating Loader Bot. One beats him with Loader Bot's own arm.

Loader Bot: Let me go. Ouch. Sustaining damage. Ow.

Loader Bot will store that in memory.

Vaughn runs out of the way.

Loader Bot: Goodnight, sweet princes of-- (explodes)

Loader Bot will store that in memory.

Loader Bot: Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Loader Bot uses its jet foot to fly away. Bandits try to tackle it but it shakes them off. Loader Bot zooms off.

World of Curiosities

Rhys: I will name my first born, Loader Bot. (turns and walks to Vaughn) Well you know probably not.

Vaughn: (out of breath) I... (stands up) I can't believe we're alive. I mean, I--I never wanna see somebody's brains come out of their nose, not ever again. That... that was the single scariest experience... of my entire life! Which... should probably be over by now... but it's not... for some reason... but for those guys... a lot of those guys... it is... Man.

Rhys: Aw c'mon. It was a little fun. Right? You cannot honestly stand there and tell me that it didn't feel kind of great to kick all those guys' asses.

Vaughn will remember that.

Vaughn: Okay... yeah... it was a little... awesome. But I'm sure it was as traumatic as it was fun. We're probably gonna need some therapy in the future, you know that, right?

Rhys: We'll be able to afford it.

Rhys: Look, they got what they deserved. They attacked us. Maybe next time they'll think twice before--

Vaughn will remember that.

Vaughn: They're not thinking anything. I told you, I saw their brains.

Rhys: Yeah, I heard you.

Vaughn:

Rhys: It's over now. We made it.

Vaughn: I mean his... brains... just... just like, like snot...

Vaughn will remember that.

Rhys: Yes, okay. That was awful. I agree, but we got through it, you know, and that probably shouldn't have happened. At least now we can handle ourselves if--

Vaughn: If what, if brains ooze out of people's noses?

Rhys: W--Yeah, basically.

Vaughn: I guess you... sort of have a point... somewhere in there.

Vaughn: Well... I guess that's just a little more nightmare fuel to keep me going.

Rhys: Alright, let's just find this guy, August, buy the key...

They turn and are freaked out by the interior of the World of Curiosities.

Rhys: ...and get the Hell out of here.

Vaughn moves forward.

ANALYSIS COMPLETE
Alpha Skag
Diet: Literally anything
Habitat: Wherever it wants
Weak Points: Good luck

Existence of Alpha Skags indicates
that there is a certain hierarchy in
skag social structure; one in which
the biggest jerks apparently boss
everyone else around.

ANALYSIS COMPLETE
Spiderant Worker
Likes: Its territory
Dislikes: Things on its territory

Spiderants are burrowing insects
commonly found in areas of open
ground which will attack anything
that treads on their territory. Also
many of them are racist and hate
that restaurant you love.

Rhys stares at the stuffed bullymong.

Rhys: Huh.

Vaughn: Ugh, does every animal on this planet have to look like a giant monster? (walks away)

ANALYSIS COMPLETE
Bullymong (Killed in Frozen Wastes)
Intelligence: Low
Speed: Fast enough
Strength: F*%#ing high

"Twice the arms for twice the fun,
They're the pet for everyone!"
-"The Bullymong Jingle" by Horace
Blitsmith (Marketing, Exotic Pets)

ANALYSIS COMPLETE
Splorghuld the Flesh-Slayer
Length: 15m
Width: 4m
Breath: Awful

It is said that certain rituals
involving colored barrels can raise
Splorghuld from its aquatic slumber
to perform elaborate dance
routines.

ANALYSIS COMPLETE
Badass Borok
Continent of origin: Aegrus
Weak point(s): Throat
Strong point(s): Bloodthirsty
Disposition, Positive Attitude

Hunting Boroks is best avoided by
small children, the elderly, and
anyone with a heartbeat. Seriously.
Just run. They are not even tasty.

ANALYSIS COMPLETE
Name: Professor Penumbra
Hometown: Oasis
Height: 5'10"
Weight: 143 lbs
Current Status: Stuffed and
mounted
Cause of death: Stabbing
Last words: "What're you gonna do?
Stab me?"

Rhys looks at Professor Penumbra.

Vaughn: Alright, you know, the stuffed animals was one thing, but this is taking a turn I really don't want it to.

The speaker in Penumbra's chest suddenly turns on.

Announcer: Right this way to the world famous Hall of Pandoran Luminaries.

Rhy and Vaughn look at the "Hall of Pandoran Luminaries" sign.

Announcer: Come face to face with icons of the planet's turbulent history... and hear how each met their grisly fate.

Rhys and Vaughn turn to where the sign is pointing.

Announcer: Please watch your step and marvel at some of the unexpected ends of life's grand design.

Rhys: There's nowhere else to go. Come on, let's just get through it.

Vaughn sighs.

Announcer: Bewm, not to be confused with his brother Boom, was the first mate of Captain Flynt. As his name subtly implies, Bewm enjoyed hurling caustic explosives and making things blow up by any means necessary.

Vaughn: Who around here doesn't?

TBC

Announcer: Pandoran resident and fine dining connoisseur, Shade was held in high esteem by his fellow neighbors in Oasis. Not in the least bit insane. He will be missed.

Vaughn: I am really not into this at all.

ANALYSIS COMPLETE
Neuron-Linked Cannon
Weapon Type: Slag
GenID: Prof. Nakayama
Modifications: Self-Inflicted

"Oh yeah? Well would a crazy person
attach a robot gun arm to their
spine?!"
-Professor Nakayama, Crazy
Person

ANALYSIS COMPLETE
Rotting Arm
Foreign Contaminant Detected
Analysis: Eridium
-Alien mineral
-Used frequently in weapons
processing
-Despite best attempts, does not
work as male enhancement

Announcer: The once ruthless leader of the Crimson Lance, Commandant Steele. Her leader-ness came to an end when she was skewered by a monstrous tentacle. She later died a second time after having been resurrected as some kind of cyborg zombie thing.

Vaughn: Can we just get on with this?

ANALYSIS COMPLETE
The Brain of Commandant Steele
Composition: Military grade carbon
nanotube polymer.
Contents: A brain (Still includes
"augmentation" by I.N.A.C.)

Rhys eventually looks at Nakayama.

Rhys: Oh, I remember this guy, he was an asshole.

Announcer: Formerly a scientific researcher who worked for Hyperion, Professor Nakayama was obsessed with cloning Handsome Jack, who he carried a certain fondness for. Killed by stairs.

Vaughn: No witty rejoinder? You must be more traumatized than I am.

Rhys: Hey, he's still got his Hyperion ID chip.

Vaughn: Really? Keep it! Hyperion pays out a nice bonus for recovering those things.

Rhys takes his Hyperion ID chip, causing his gun on his shoulder to fall over.

Rhys: Oops.

Rhys and Vaughn eventually make it to a door.

Rhys knocks on the door but nothing happens.

Rhys tries to open the door but it is locked.

Rhys: Oh, it's locked.

Vaughn: Oh come on, are you serious?

Rhys: This feels like we came in the back, so maybe there's a front door somewhere?

Vaughn: Yeah, I don't know if we can get out there with the murderers all over the place.

Rhys: Maybe one of those bodies has a key or something and we just missed it.

Vaughn: Wow, I mean if we just randomly found the key, I mean that would be amazing.

Rhys walks backward only to realize that the "corpse" of Shade is missing. He walks forward only for a living Shade to pop out and surprise them.

Shade: Hi!

Vaughn: Augh!

Rhys: Ahh!

SHADE
Not in the least bit insane.

Shade hops down in front of Rhys and Vaughn.

Shade: How are you?

Vaughn: Not great!

Shade: Are you two not just the handsomest devils I've seen in ages. (chuckles)

Rhys: Why are you pretending to be dead? Why?

Shade: (laughs) Dead? No! No, no, no, no, asleep, maybe, dead, that's, you're-- you're getting ahead of yourself.

Rhys: Asshole!

Shade will remember that.

Shade: Moi?

Rhys: Yes, you! Asshole! What do you think you're doing?

Rhys: What... wha... Who are you?

Shade smiles at them.

Rhys: Don't do that! (smacks Shade)

Shade: Ah! Oh, okay, okay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you guys!

Shade's face will remember that.

Shade: It just... it just happened, you know, things happen, they happen!

Rhys says nothing.

Vaughn: What--what is this, is this part of the-- like some kind of ride or something? (walks up to Bewm's corpse, then walks up to Shade) Since the moment we walked in, it's just been one freaky puppet show, so I--

Shade: Thanks! I'm Shade, and this is my World of Curiosities! Let me just tell you right off the very bat, I am deeply sorry that you strapping young threshers of gentlemen here have to witness it in such sad disrepair. Time can take a toll, you know. And on more things than one! (chuckles, then clears throat) But unfortunately we are closed for renovations. But that doesn't mean you have to leave, of course, no. I mean we can do other things. You're already here. We... we can just hang out.

Rhys: Look, Shade, or whatever, just, stop wasting our time, alright. We're not here to see your weird zoo of death.

Shade: "Wasting time." "No time to waste." "Act now." "Buy fast." "We're digi-structing your future." (sees "Hyperion" on Vaughn's briefcase) You're Hyperion. Right? Here for August?

Rhys: We're looking for a man named August. We're supposed to meet him here. You know anything about that?

Shade: Oh, sure! Sure! Why didn't you say so, huh? You're late, actually.

Vaughn: Yeah, we know.

Rhys: Listen, we're here to make a deal, alright? We're buying a... thing. Something valuable. You know anything about that?

Shade: I know a lot of things about a lot of things, and this thing in particular. You're Hyperion. Right? Here for August?

Vaughn: Uh, we're here to meet August. You know him?

Shade: Oh, sure! Sure! Why didn't you say so, huh? You're late, actually.

Vaughn: Yeah, we know.

Shade: Yeah? If you wanna buy something strange and illegal, this is certainly the place to do it! (opens door and enters)

Rhys and Vaughn stare at each other before continuing.

Deal Room

Rhys, Vaughn and Shade walk together.

Shade: My grandpappy, he's the one who came up with this place. He was a real thinker, you know, a real lover of animals... Still is, actually, cause he's definitely not dead! But the place itself...

They all stop and turn to see August sitting with his girlfriend Sasha.

August: What happened? You get stuck in traffic? (stands up) You Hyperion guys are usually so punctual. Gettin' 10 million together can't be too much trouble for you guys. I assume you'd have that scratch as walkaround money.

Rhys: Yeah, well, sorry we're late. Getting here was a little more complicated than we thought it'd be.

August: Yeah, well... that's Pandora for you. If it ain't a friggin' bug stampede some jerk off is usin' you for rocket practice.

Rhys: I figured you'd want to take the tour, maybe get here a little early.

August: Early? Are you kidding me? You think I like being here, you think this is fun? Have you seen the bathroom yet?

Shade smiles.

August: Every minute in this horror factory's like an hour.

Rhys: Oh, well excuse me! I--I don't know if you heard the explosions outside, but you know, we had to mow down about a couple hundred bandits just so we could ring the Goddamned doorbell.

Shade: Just in time for the Spring collection.

August: Yeah, well... that's Pandora for you. If it ain't a friggin' bug stampede some jerk off is usin' you for rocket practice.

Vaughn: Yeah, well, we almost died, so...

August: (sarcastically) Oh. Forgive me your majesty. Didn't know you chipped a toe nail.

Shade: Alright, well... I'll just leave you to your business things, then. (leaves)

August: I'm August, but I figure you know that already.

AUGUST
The Guy with the Key

Sasha glares at Rhys and he glares back at her, so she stops.

August: Is, uh... Is Vasquez comin'?

Rhys: Vasquez. He was just the go-between, the middle man.

Vaughn: The puppet, the pigeon.

Rhys: Stop. I'm the one who's buying the key.

August: Yeah? Well... I guess... as long as you got the money... one Hyperion bootlicker's as good as another.

Rhys: Hugo couldn't make it. He's sick.

Vaughn: Yeah, he ate some bad stuff... or something. I dunno. He's been camped out in the executive washroom since lunchtime.

Sasha shakes her head.

Rhys: He's got trains leaving both ends of the station, if you know what I mean.

August: Eck, okay, I got the picture, well done.

Rhys: I'm Vasquez. And there's nobody else coming.

August: What the hell are you doing?

Rhys: What?

August: You're not Vasquez. I know Hugo. I just talked to him a few hours ago.

Vaughn: Yeah, no, no, no, Hugo told us to tell you that we, that he was Vasquez. As a joke, you know? (chuckles) Because... he's so... so obviously not him. Right?

August: Vasquez? Is he coming?

Vaughn: Yeah, he can't, or couldn't, make it. He had to process... process a new marketing... plan. You know, with his new job and all. Had to make an impression. But we're here to close this out for him.

August: So, what's your name? Just so we're on, uh, equal footing. You have one, right?

Rhys: It's Rhys.

August: Reece?

Rhys: (sigh) Rhys.

August: Isn't that what I said?

Rhys: Sure.

Rhys: You want my name? My name's Ten Million Dollars for all you should care. You're a Vault Key to me, 'kay, that's it.

August will remember that.

August: Okay, okay, look, I don't know what the Hell you think you're doing, but... this is not how I operate, alright? I expected Vasquez, and I got you.

Sasha: Yeah!

August: So let's all get friendly real fast. I mean, I'm trying. Aren't I trying? Huh? Aren't I trying?

Sasha: You're trying!

August: So... let's try again. My name's August. What's yours? Do you want me to guess?

Rhys: It's Rhys.

August: Reece?

Rhys: (sigh) Rhys.

August: Isn't that what I said?

Rhys: Sure.

Rhys: This is a business transaction, we don't have to be buddies.

August: No, we don't have to be buddies, dickhead. But it'd just make me a heck of a lot more comfortable to know just who I'm gifting this Vault Key to.

Rhys: You can pout all you want. You're not getting my name.

Vaughn: It doesn't matter what our names are. We're Hyperion, sent here on authority of Vasquez. And we're here for one thing... to buy a Vault Key. So why don't we just skip all the yakkety-yak and get to it.

Rhys: I have yours, August. You don't need mine.

August will remember that.

August: Okay, look, I don't know what the Hell you think you're doing, but we're-- we're all here for a lot of money and a freakin' Vault Key, alright?

Sasha: Yeah!

August: So let's all get friendly real fast. I mean, I'm trying. Aren't I trying? Huh? Aren't I trying?

Sasha: You're trying!

August: So... let's try again. My name's August. What's yours? Do you want me to guess?

Rhys: It's Rhys.

August: Reece?

Rhys: (sigh) Rhys.

August: Isn't that what I said?

Rhys: Sure.

Rhys: This is a business transaction, we don't have to be buddies.

August: No, we don't have to be buddies, dickhead. But it'd just make me a heck of a lot more comfortable to know just who I'm gifting this Vault Key to.

Rhys: You can pout all you want. You're not getting my name.

Vaughn: It doesn't matter what our names are. We're Hyperion, sent here on authority of Vasquez. And we're here for one thing... to buy a Vault Key. So why don't we just skip all the yakkety-yak and get to it.

Vaughn: It doesn't matter what our names are. We're Hyperion, sent here on authority of Vasquez. And we're here for one thing... to buy a Vault Key. So why don't we just skip all the yakkety-yak and get to it.

August facepalms. He then sits in a chair.

August: Just... sit down and let's do this so we can move on with our lives.

Rhys sits in a chair across from August at a table. Vaughn turns to see if anyone else is around.

August: Okay, so, let's see the money. Cash only for this deal. And I hope you brought big bills. The kind that are hard to break.

Rhys: Uh uh, no, I know how this works. We see the merchandise first, then you see the money.

Vaughn: Yeah.

You made August show his first.

August: (sigh) Alright, alright, the baby wants its bottle? Fine.

Rhys: Show him the money, Vaughn.

Vaughn: No problem. (tries to open it) Okay... Uh, sorry... all the passwords on this thing.

Sasha: What's the problem?

Rhys: It's not a problem. It's a security thing, just give him a second.

August: Maybe this'll give you some incentive to hurry it up.

Rhys: Oh we got the money, don't worry.

Vaughn: Now where's the key?

August: Eh, I'll be a good host.

Vaughn: We got it, alright, it's right here. (shows briefcase) So show us the key.

August: (sigh) Alright, the baby wants its bottle? Fine.

August grabs a case off the floor. Sasha's glare worries Vaughn. August sets his case on the table and opens it. The Vault Key glows a purple light.

August: You ever see anything so pretty in your miserable lives? This thing'll practically dance at your wedding. It's state of the art alien crap. I'd use it myself, but... you know... the monsters and all.

Rhys: It's goddamned gorgeous.

August: Friggin' A right, it is.

Rhys: How about 9 million?

August: (chuckles) Yeah right. How about, no. You Hyperion guys are always pushin' it.

Rhys: It's, ehhh... I mean, don't get me wrong, for a Vault Key it's fine... but you gotta remember, we're from Hyperion, mmkay? Soooo.....

August: Sure, okay.

Vaughn: It's better than I imagined.

August: Friggin' A right, it is.

August: Okay, so... the way I, ah, usually do these things is...

Sasha slams the case shut.

Sasha: Wait.

August: What?

Sasha: IIIIII... I just don't like it. I got a- I got a feeling.

August: What feeling?

Sasha: Look, you said when I started to get a feeling about something that I should tell you and that we should walk away, right?

August: What are you possibly feeling right now? We're almost done!

Sasha: I get intuitions about this stuff!

Rhys: Let's just, uh, wrap this up, alright? We saw it, we like it, what more is there to talk about?

August: Don't worry about it. She-- she gets this way, it's no problem.

Rhys: We're good here. Everyone relax. We just want to buy the key from August and go.

August: Yeah, he just wants to buy a key from me.

Rhys: Is she okay?

August: Yeah, yeah... she's just freaking out... she does that sometimes.

August: Intuitions? What are you, a Goddamned fortune teller?

Vaughn: Can we just, uh, take the key and you take... our money?

Sasha angrily takes the Vault Key case off the table.

August: Sasha, what the hell are you--

Sasha walks backwards toward the fan behind her. August walks toward her.

Sasha: I just-- I just don't like it, they've had this... dumb attitude on their dumb faces since the moment they walked in!

August: What are you talking about!?

Sasha: And why... why wouldn't they show you the money? Huh? What's up with that?!

August: Sasha!

Sasha: They've been all, "Oh, yes sir, and oh no, sir, and, oh, I have the money we agreed upon right here!"

Vaughn: Nothing you're saying is bad!

Sasha: Nobody does that! And especially Hyperion ore monkeys, who'd rather bomb a small village than talk things through. I mean look at that guy. Look at his face.

August: What's wrong with his face?

Sasha: You can't trust a face like that. He's hiding something, August.

Rhys: Hey, Sasha? Sasha, listen to me. I'm asking you to please trust me on this one. I know you don't trust Hyperion.

Sasha: Yeah, ya think?

Rhys: And I know you have zero reason to trust us... but I'm telling you... we are not like those assholes. In fact, we're trying to get back at one of the worst assholes up there and we need that key to do it. So please, take the money, and let us screw over one of the biggest jerks on Hyperion. Please.

Rhys: Hey, Sasha? Sasha, listen to me. I know you don't trust Hyperion.

Sasha: Yeah, ya think?

Rhys: And I know you have zero reason to trust us... but I'm telling you... we are not like those assholes. In fact, we're trying to get back at one of the worst assholes up there and we need that key to do it. So please, take the money, and let us screw over one of the biggest jerks on Hyperion. Please.

Rhys: Hey, Sasha? Sasha, listen to me. You're making a big mistake... This money we're offering... is life changing.... and it's right here. I know you don't trust Hyperion.

Sasha: Yeah, ya think?

Rhys: And I know you have zero reason to trust us... but I'm telling you... we are not like those assholes. In fact, we're trying to get back at one of the worst assholes up there and we need that key to do it. So please, take the money, and let us screw over one of the biggest jerks on Hyperion. Please.

Vaughn: Listen, whatever you think about my face aside, we are not the bad guys. I know Hyperion is awful people, but we need that key, to get back at one of those awful people... So, pleeeeease... please trust us.

Sasha: So you're sayin' this key will get used to screw over some wretched Hyperion stooge?

Vaughn: That's exactly what we're saying.

Sasha: Alright, I'm sold.

Vaughn: Awesome. Let's do this.

August: Well... just... wait, just wait.

Sasha walks over to August.

Sasha: August, everything's fine now. (gives him the case)

August: I mean... I don't know, if you really think...

Sasha: No, no. It's okay. The feeling's gone, August. Let's do the deal.

August: I dunno, maybe today's not right for this. If things are weird. If you have a feeling about things...

Sasha: No, no no, I was wrong. We should definitely do it.

Rhys: The bad feeling is gone, August. She said so herself. We still got a deal here. THere's no problem, let's just-

Rhys: August, c'mon, I need that key! Promises were made and... and my bosses were expecting...

Rhys: August, Bubbe, c'mon now, a deal's a deal. We didn't come all the way down here just to...

Vaughn: August, what-- what are you doing? Let's just finish this deal so we can-

August: No, I'm-- I'm sorry guys, I was-- I thought I was gonna deal with Vasquez, and... now this, I just... I just think we should call it off until I think things are square. (starts to leave) Maybe another time, fellas.

Sasha follows August.

Sasha: Hon, we're here, we should just do this. Really.

August: Nah, I made up my mind.

They walk past Vaughn.

Vaughn: August, wait! Rhys! This is your department, do something!

It goes into slow motion as Rhys wonders what to do. It goes back to normal once the next choice is made.

Rhys: August.

August and Sasha stop moving and turn around.

Rhys: Actually, that's okay, you don't know it yet.

August: Know what?

Rhys: That this is it!

Dramatic patriotic music begins to play.

Rhys: You can't see that one day... maybe ten years from now, maybe ten months, maybe tomorrow... (walks behind August) you're gonna think back on right now and scream to the stars for mercy of death just so you'll not have to live in the wondering of what could have been. (puts his hands on August's shoulders)

August sits down and puts his face in his hands.

Rhys: "What if i had seized that chance by the throat, what if I had beaten my fears, taken what was so rightfully mine? What if... what if I had won?"

August begins to cry.

August: I am a winner, Rhys! I... Am... A... Winner!

Rhys stands up as the music begins to swell. The room gets dark and light shines from above. Rhys puts his hands on his side. August opens the case and give Rhys the Vault Key. Rhys raises the Vault Key up with one hand. Suddenly the music stops.

Rhys: August. Can't let you leave with that, pal.

August and Sasha stop. August turns around.

August: Oh no? And what are you gonna do about it?

Rhys does nothing.

August: Yeah, that's what I thou-

Rhys plunges his hand straight through August's chest, clutching his heart.

August: GAHHHughhh...! (falls to the floor)

Rhys: Looks like he had... a change of heart.

The background becomes colorful. Sasha walks up to Rhys and puts her hand on his shoulder while holding the Vault Key. Vaughn rushes over to Rhys on his knees with the money and begins to "make it rain" on him.

Fiona: (narration) What a steaming load of skag crap.

Kidnapper's Hideout (Present)

It cuts back to the present (and back to reality, as this was not real.) Rhys is still getting dragged by the Masked Kidnapper into his hideout. Rhys sees con artist Fiona, who is sitting and is also tied up with tape inside the hideout.

Rhys: Well, well, look who decided to show her face. I was just about to get to my favorite part. You know, where you come in and you ruin my life you no class, scheming, Pandoran scum!

Fiona: Oh, nice haircut you lying Hyperion jackass.

Rhys: It is a nice haircut!

The Masked Kidnapper stops dragging Rhys.

Fiona: Oh, shut up! (starts kicking dirt in Rhys's face)

Rhys: Stop it, stop it! You're getting dirt in my eye!

Fiona: Well, that sucks, cause I'm trying to get it in your lying mouth!

FIONA
Con artist [also you, too]

Rhys: Alright, alright! Mission accomplished! (spits) And I'm not lying, okay, I'm... embellishing. And how the hell would you know anyway? You weren't at the deal.

Fiona: Of course I was, ya dope. I can't believe you still haven't figured that out. I knew you were dense the moment I-

The Masked Kidnapper fires into the air to get them to stop arguing.

Masked Kidnapper: Your turn, Fiona. (clutches shotgun)

Fiona: My turn for what?

Masked Kidnapper: Tell me your side of the deal.

Fiona: You couldn't have asked me first? You kidnapped me hours ago.

Masked Kidnapper: I guess I could've.

Fiona: You guess? I've been baking in the sun with rakks dive bombing me for the last--

The Masked Kidnapper fires into the air again to silence Fiona.

Fiona: Yeah, okay... I get it... This fraud conveniently left out the most important part of the whole thing.

Rhys: Which is...? Oh, this oughta be good. Go on? I can't wait.

Fiona is now the playable character.

Fiona: It's, um, well... It's complicated.

Fiona is revealed to be hiding behind the giant fan. It shows Fiona reacting to the event as explosions and gunshots are heard offscreen.

Fiona: The Vault Key shattered.

Fiona is revealed to be hiding behind the giant fan.

Fiona: That psycho... ganglord guy made his big stupid entrance.

Fiona: The Vault Hunter showed up.

Deal Room (Past)

Rhys and August are fighting over the Vault Key case.

Rhys: Let go! C'mon! I need... that...

August: It's mine, give it! Just-- what's your frickin' problem, man!

Fiona is revealed to be hiding behind the giant fan.

It shows Fiona reacting to an event as explosions and gunshots are heard offscreen.

Rhys and August try to pull the case closer to themselves but accidentally open the case in the scuffle, causing it to fall onto the ground and shatter into pieces. Rhys bends down to it.

Rhys: Oh... uh...

August pulls out a gun and aims it at Rhys.

Suddenly an explosion is heard and Rhys and August pause their fight. The psycho ganglord bursts in on a vehicle with other psychos.

Suddenly, two slashes are made by a sword on the poster behind Rhys and August. The vault hunter bursts in with his sword and flips toward them.

Kidnapper's Hideout (Present)

Rhys: Wait, wait, wait... how is that the most important thing? Did you forget the part about it all being your fault?!

Fiona: Oh come on, that was not my fault... not all of it. (to Masked Kidnapper) Are you making a face under there? I can't tell what you're thinking if

The Masked Kidnapper aims his shotgun at Fiona.

Fiona: Okay fine, but let me start at the beginning...

Hollow Point (Past)

Fiona: (narration) I was born here... on Pandora... in a city cast in shadow known as Hollow Point... It's in a cave. Anyway, for a long time it was just me and my sister. Just a couple of kids stealing what we could to survive...

It cuts to inside of a caravan. It shows Fiona pacing back and forth while an old man is working on the fake Vault Key. It shows an old picture of him, Fiona, and Sasha labeled: "First big heist!!"

Fiona: (narration) until we met Felix... we tried to nab his wallet... Not only did he stop us... he showed us how to do it better. We've been working together ever since...

Fiona: This is taking too long... she's waiting.

Fiona: (narration) This latest scam was our biggest yet... the one that would set us up for life...

Masked Kidnapper: (narration) That sounds familiar.

Fiona: (narration) What can I say... a lot of these stories start out the same way...

Felix: Fiona? Relax. There's nothing to be nervous about.

FELIX
Raised you (Into a Life of Crime)

Fiona smiles and walks over to Felix. He presses a button to make the Vault Key glow.

Felix: There.

Fiona: It looks good.

Felix: If August is a fence worth his cut, he'll be selling it to some Hyperion stooge... it should be good enough to fool one of them. Not too many people have seen a vault key, real or otherwise.

Fiona tries to touch the vault key, but Felix grabs her hand.

Felix: Don't.

Felix: The paint may still be wet. Be sure not to let anyone touch it. There are only a couple spots to worry about... but it's best not to risk it. So have them keep their hands to themselves.

Fiona: It looks great, Felix.

Felix: It's the best I can do in the time given.

Fiona: Do you think this will work?

Felix: If I didn't, we wouldn't be doing it.

Fiona: Keep them from touching it? How do you expect me to do that?

Felix: I don't know... but you'll think of something... you always do.

Fiona says nothing.

Fiona still looks worried.

Felix: Hey, you're a pro. (closes case) This is what you do. Your sister may have brought in the mark, but you're the one that'll close the deal by playing whatever role you need to, to get the job done. If she introduces you as a tiny psycho, you'll squat down and scream about poop trains. Okay? That first introduction is who you are. You two have to work together. I'll back you up if needed.

Fiona: (imitating Krieg) I have the shiniest meat bicycle!

Felix: Exactly.

Fiona: I'm pretty sure I can do this in my sleep.

Felix: That's what I want to hear.

Fiona: You can count on me, Felix.

Felix: I know... it's just nice to hear it out loud sometimes.

Felix: Don't worry. I have faith in you.

Fiona puts her hands together.

Fiona: Showtime.

Felix: Fiona. When she gives you your role, you play it as best you can. The deal came together much faster than I'm comfortable with, but... it's worth the risk... so it's best to take precautions against the unforseen. (holds up pistol) The Purple Skag is not the type of place you walk into without a backup plan.

Fiona: So, you want me to shoot my way out? Might need a bigger gun.

Felix will remember that.

Fiona: I'm not really a fan of guns.

Felix will remember that.

Felix: I don't like them either. Guns can be a crutch. But you should take it anyway.

Fiona: What's that for?

Felix: I don't like them either. Guns can be a crutch. But you should take it anyway.

Felix: It's only for emergencies. (stands up)

Fiona: One bullet.

Felix helps stuff the pistol up Fiona's sleeve.

Felix: That's right... You'll always be able to talk your way out of more situations than you can shoot your way out of.

Fiona pushes the pistol up her sleeve. Felix picks up the case. Fiona tries to take the case but Felix briefly holds it away.

Felix: Wet paint.

Fiona takes the case.

Fiona: No touch. (walks out of the caravan)

Felix: (calls out) Emergency only.

Fiona: I got it. (closes the door)

BANK ACCOUNT
$10

The sick man starts coughing.

Fiona: Yeah... you get it all out. I guess.

Fiona opens the crate but tiny rakks fly out of it. It is otherwise empty.

Fiona: Ugh! Figures.

Fiona sets the case down and tears down a wanted poster of herself.

Fiona looks at the incoherent graffiti.

Fiona: Ah, Hollow Point, where art and culture flourish.

Suddenly, a man covered by two midget psycho bursts out of a door and onto a pile of trash. The two midget psychos stab the man repeatedly.

Fiona: Alright, alright. Enough with the stabbing.

The psychos hiss at Fiona. Fiona hisses back at them, scaring them away.

Fiona: Piss off.

Dying Man: Muuuhhh...

Fiona spots some of his money is next to him.

Fiona looks down at his money.

Dying Man: Huuurgh!

Fiona picks the money up and gives it back to the dying man. He smiles at her through his pain.

Fiona: Yeeeeah, you're welcome.

Fiona picks up the dying man's money.

Dying Man: Muuuuh...muuuuh!

Fiona: Sorry, girl's gotta eat. (pockets money)

BANK ACCOUNT
$110

As Fiona continues forward, a van zooms in front of her and crashes.

Fiona: Ouch.

Fiona: Great. Felix didn't mention anything about a bouncer.

Fiona either looks at the door, approaches the door, or tries to talk to the bouncer, but gets stopped by said bouncer.

Tector Hodunk: Sorry. No one's gettin' in here today, pretty lady. VIP's only.

TECTOR HODUNK
Great at violence.
Bad at everything else.

Tector Hodunk: Private function. There's the Fyrestone Tavern down the road. If you really need a drink, they'll take care of you.

(If you took the dying man's money.)

Fiona: Does a hundred bucks mean we can skip all this?

Tector Hodunk: Well sure... that works.

Fiona gives Tector $100.

BANK ACCOUNT
$10

Fiona: Well, that's good, cause I'm a VIP.

Tector Hodunk: What? Really?

Fiona: Yup. So, if you could get the door for me... (tries to walk past him)

Tector blocks Fiona's path.

Tector Hodunk: Wait one second. I don't know, Miss. No offense, but you look pretty regular to me. VIP's are... fancy folk. Anyway, I should have a list here somewhere... (turns to see a wanted poster for Fiona) Wait a second... that's you there. Your face is on that paper with that writin' on it. What's that about, huh? (pulls out gun) What's them words say? And don't you lie... and go takin' advantage on me... just cause I ain't the strongest of readers.

Fiona: It says owner... as in, I own the bar.

Tector Hodunk: No... August owns this place... I know who I work for.

Fiona: We're business partners.

Tector Hodunk: I don't know...

Fiona: That's the VIP list... and I'm on it. They probably put a picture to make it easier on you.

Tector Hodunk: That's a short list.

Fiona: I'm that important.

Tector Hodunk: I don't know...

Fiona: (draws pistol) Just let me through and this doesn't have to get messy.

Tector will remember that.

Tector Hodunk: You're kiddin' right? That there gun's only got the one bullet.

Fiona: You've got a knack for numbers.

Tector Hodunk: That's right. And what I know is... you're gonna need more bullets than that for me.

Tector Hodunk: If you can't read either, that's alright. I can get someone from inside to-

Fiona: Get out of my way. (tries to walk past him)

Tector blocks Fiona's path.

Tector Hodunk: Whoa. No... no. Lookit me and lookit you. Ya ain't just pushin' your way past me. No Ma'am. That's ain't gonna happen. (turns to see a wanted poster for Fiona) Wait a second... that's you there. Your face is on that paper with that writin' on it. What's that about, huh? (pulls out gun) What's them words say? And don't you lie... and go takin' advantage on me... just cause I ain't the strongest of readers.

Fiona: It says owner... as in, I own the bar.

Tector Hodunk: No... August owns this place... I know who I work for.

Fiona: We're business partners.

Tector Hodunk: I don't know...

Fiona: That's the VIP list... and I'm on it. They probably put a picture to make it easier on you.

Tector Hodunk: That's a short list.

Fiona: I'm that important.

Tector Hodunk: I don't know...

Fiona: (draws pistol) Just let me through and this doesn't have to get messy.

Tector will remember that.

Tector Hodunk: You're kiddin' right? That there gun's only got the one bullet.

Fiona: You've got a knack for numbers.

Tector Hodunk: That's right. And what I know is... you're gonna need more bullets than that for me.

Tector Hodunk: If you can't read either, that's alright. I can get someone from inside to-

Fiona: Why do you care? I mean, does this really matter?

Tector Hodunk: Of course it matters, it's ma' job! I ain't lettin no one in there whats not supposed to be in there.

Fiona: ...yeah. (tries to walk past him)

Tector blocks Fiona's path.

Tector Hodunk: Whoa. No... no. Lookit me and lookit you. Ya ain't just pushin' your way past me. No Ma'am. That's ain't gonna happen. (turns to see a wanted poster for Fiona) Wait a second... that's you there. Your face is on that paper with that writin' on it. What's that about, huh? (pulls out gun) What's them words say? And don't you lie... and go takin' advantage on me... just cause I ain't the strongest of readers.

Fiona: It says owner... as in, I own the bar.

Tector Hodunk: No... August owns this place... I know who I work for.

Fiona: We're business partners.

Tector Hodunk: I don't know...

Fiona: That's the VIP list... and I'm on it. They probably put a picture to make it easier on you.

Tector Hodunk: That's a short list.

Fiona: I'm that important.

Tector Hodunk: I don't know...

Fiona: (draws pistol) Just let me through and this doesn't have to get messy.

Tector will remember that.

Tector Hodunk: You're kiddin' right? That there gun's only got the one bullet.

Fiona: You've got a knack for numbers.

Tector Hodunk: That's right. And what I know is... you're gonna need more bullets than that for me.

Tector Hodunk: If you can't read either, that's alright. I can get someone from inside to-

Fiona stares at him.

Tector Hodunk: Okay... well... good talk.

Sasha bursts out of the entrance to the Purple Skag.

Sasha: Out of the way, Tector. She's the VIP we've been waiting for.

SASHA
Kid sister, partner in crime.

Tector Hodunk: Dang Sasha, why didn't you tell me she was with you. (to Fiona) So sorry, ma'am.

Sasha: Can't believe that worked.

Fiona: I... can't either.

Sasha suddenly aims her gun at Tector from behind.

Sasha: Hey Tector... can you count how many I got?

SASHA
Kid sister, partner in crime.

Tector Hodunk: Dang it, Sasha. I was tryin' to act tough. Why you gotta go and make me look bad.

Fiona: You're gonna look a lot worse with no head. (walks past him)

Tector Hodunk: Don't tell no one I let ya'll in!

Sasha: Pulling a gun? You couldn't talk your way past that dope?

Fiona: Shut up.

Fiona tears down the poster.

Fiona takes one look back before entering.

The Purple Skag

TBC

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