The following is a transcript of Episode 1: Zer0 Sum of Telltale Games' Tales from the Borderlands.
Marcus Kincaid: (narration) Back again? To hear another story of immense fortune and unthinkable peril? Wellllll... I have some time. The Borderlands of Pandora were told to contain mysterious alien treasure troves filled with advanced technology and incredible power. Vaults, the people called them... and to seek one out was to earn you the title of Vault Hunter... at least by me. You could say Handsome Jack was one such explorer, though his methods could be seen as... somewhat unsporting. He ran the corporation Hyperion... and died trying to claim Pandora as his own. History's attention is fickle, my friends. It will remember those pirates like Handsome Jack but forget the adventurers who risk it all for less... ah, obvious rewards. Stories - legends - those are much better at getting at the real spirit of things. Stories remember both sides of the tale.
Prosperity Junction (Present)[]
It shows a sign labeled: "Prosperity Junction: The Future is on Rails". A decayed skag corpse is seen. Rhys is near the sign holding a beeping ECHO communicator. He walks up to the sign as the beeping gets more frequent.
Rhys: Fiona? Come on! We can work this out!
The communicator beeps very frequently now. Rhys turns to see a stranger holding a shotgun.
Rhys: Fiona? What, is there some sort of radiation leak I don't know abou--
The Masked Kidnapper smacks Rhys in the face with his gun, sending him to the ground.
RHYS Company man (you)
Rhys wakes up to him tied up with duct tape and being dragged by his feet by the Masked Kidnapper.
You have limited time to choose your words.
Rhys: Where exactly are we going?
Masked Kidnapper: I ask the questions.
Rhys: What is happening right now?
Masked Kidnapper: I ask the questions.
Rhys: So... who are you?
Masked Kidnapper: I ask the questions.
Rhys says nothing.
The Masked Kidnapper stops dragging Rhys and kicks him in the side.
Rhys: Ooh, ah. Owww! What the hell?
Rhys: Owww. I didn't say anything!
Masked Kidnapper: (bends down) Tell me about the Gortys project.
Rhys: Is that what this is about? Look, Gortys is bad business. If you want a real hot investment, I am on the ground floor of some property on Eden--
The Masked Kidnapper stands back up and pulls out his shotgun and points it at Rhy's torso.
Rhys: Okay! Okay. Okay. Okay.
Masked Kidnapper: Don't be a smart-ass. (holds up shotgun) I'm not a patient person. So just start talking.
He starts dragging Rhys by his feet again.
Rhys: Just... where do you start when you're getting dragged through the desert and uh...
Masked Kidnapper: From the beginning.
Rhys: Right...
Helios (Past)[]
The camera pans up and it shifts to the space station.
Rhys: (narration) I guess it all started with a promotion... See I'd spent my entire career up at Hyperion... So, I suppose that makes me one of the bad guys in this story...
It shows Rhys and Vaughn walking through a hallway on Helios. Vaughn is chatting unimportantly to Rhys while Rhys ignores him. He stops in front of a picture of Handsome Jack and poses with his hands at his sides.
Rhys: (narration) And Handsome Jack, he was the baddest guy of 'em all... And I wanted to be just like him... Everyone did. Which... resulted in a company overflowing with assholes.
Rhys and Vaughn stop in front of a room with two midget psychos fighting while two Hyperion workers watch.
Vaughn: Animals...
Rhys: (narration) When Handsome Jack died... it somehow got even worse.
A Hyperion worker finger guns Rhys, and Rhys pretends that he got shot. Rhy finger guns him back.
Rhys: (narration) It took some time to fit in...
Rhys and Vaughn walk away. Rhys puts his finger to his head and pretends to shoot himself.
Rhys: (narration) but a few stabs in select backs, a new haircut and the help of a couple friends... I was on my way to get the promotion that was gonna change my life. Scratch that, our lives... for the better. I was a little distracted. It was a big day for us. Luckily Vaughn, was... concentrating on the important things.
Vaughn: What's the first thing you're gonna buy? I know what Henderson's making... I do his payroll.
VAUGHN Your Best Friend! (The Money Man)
Vaughn: If you're getting a fraction of what he earns, you'll be rolling in it.
Rhys: Eh, there are a couple sweet rides I've been looking at... more fitting of the position I'm gonna be in.
Vaughn: Where the hell would you even drive that thing? We're in space.
Rhys: I wouldn't actually use it. It would be more for looks.
Rhys: It's not about money, Vaughn... it's about the respect it gets you.
Rhys: I figure I could get lunch. Seems like a good place to start.
Vaughn: Well, then we're starting with 3 of whatever's most expensive.
Rhys: Sure.
Vaughn: And wine pairings.
Rhys: For lunch?
Vaughn: I think I'm gonna buy a gun... Yeah, there's this sniper rifle I've been looking at for a while now, oh man. It's a Dahl, right. Uh, "Reaver's Edge." And it is awesome. You just feel so powerful holding it.
Vaughn: We're meeting with Yvette afterward to celebrate. She booked us a table.
Rhys: Yup. Sounds good.
They stop in front of Henderson's office.
Vaughn: Look, we had to do a lot of awful stuff to get you to this point. Do I regret some of it? Sure I do. Every night it haunts my dreams, but that doesn't matter now. Cause you made it. You deserve this man. And don't ever think you don't. And don't ever think about the eridium mine deal we put together. Those people have to work somewhere, right?
Rhys: You're damn right I deserve it. I earned this.
Vaughn won't forget this moment.
Vaughn: Well, Yvette and I did contribute.
Rhys: Right. Sure. You... You helped, some.
Rhys: Thanks for the help, Vaughn. Really. I couldn't have done this without you or Yvette.
Vaughn won't forget this moment.
Vaughn: Hey man, don't sweat it. I'm just happy we even got you here. You know I crunched the numbers one night and figured out there was a 45% chance someone would kill you before this day.
Rhys: Glad... that didn't happen.
Vaughn: Me too. It was, uh, real touch and go there for a bit.
Rhys: Hey, we made it, okay? We're in this together. If I'm moving up, we're all moving up. You can be certain of that.
Vaughn won't forget this moment.
Vaughn: I appreciate that, Rhys. You know, people around here have short memories when it comes to that stuff.
Rhys: You, me, Yvette... we're gonna run this place.
Vaughn: Yes we are.Vaughn: Hey, if you're gonna be nervous, get it out here.
Vaughn: Alright, man. Let's get that Hyperion face on.
Rhys: Oh. Right. Yeah.
Rhys raises his eyebrow.
Rhys gives a blank stare.
Rhys does a fake smile.
Rhys does a sneer.
Vaughn: Hmm... No, we need a little condescending, it's a little too friendly right now. Okay, tell you what. Tilt your head back, uh, like if you asked me if there's anything up your nose.
Rhys tilts his head back a bit and smiles.
Rhys: How's that?
Vaughn: There you go. You don't respect me at all. Perfect.
Rhys gives a thumbs up. The doors to Henderson's office open up. Rhys enters the office. Vaughn waves to him before the doors close. Rhys's smile is wiped from his face. The main chair is facing away from Rhys.
Rhys: Mr... Henderson?
Vasquez: Have a seat, Rhys. I'll just be a second. (to Jerry on ECHO) No, I wasn't talking to you. Yes, I'm talking to you now.
Rhys starts walking up to his desk.
Vasquez: Yeah, but I don't want it in red. I want it in black. Because black is better, look don't concern yourself with "why?" okay, Jerry? Concern yourself with "how?"
Rhys is surprised to see that the nameplate on the desk reads: "HUGO VASQUEZ: SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF SECURITIES PROPAGANDA".
Vasquez: And just send the car over when it's ready.
Vasquez turns around in his chair and turns his holographic computer monitor around to show Rhys the car.
Vasquez: Company car. Didn't even have to ask.
VASQUEZ Your Hyperion nemesis.
Vasquez: You look surprised to see me, Rhys... (puts feet on desk) and if I'm reading the situation right, and I usually am... you're not too happy about it either. This all came together quick. So you might not have been in the loop. But it's for the better... at least for me.
Rhys: So where's Henderson?
Rhys: Uh, Henderson promised me a promotion.
Rhys: Congratulations on your promotion. Love what you've done with the office. Going for the whole... minimalist thing.
Vasquez: Oh that's cute.
Rhys says nothing.
Vasquez: You're going to be reporting to me now, Rhys. (puts feet back down) And I want you to know the promotion that you worked so hard to get, that's still coming to you.
Rhys sits down in a chair.
Rhys: Well, that's a relief, cause I--
Vasquez: But this is about more than that, Rhys. It's about your future in this company.
Vasquez stands up and sits on his desk.
Vasquez: Look... you wanna know the reason why I'm in that chair... and you're not? For the exact same reason why North is North, why the handsome guy always gets the girl, and why every spaceship in the universe is shaped like a cock. It's destiny, Rhys... and men, real men, men like me... make their own. (walks up to his window) You can hold a grudge if you like, no harm no foul, your thoughts are your own. (turns to Rhys) But bad things can happen when you swim against fate.
Henderson's dead body is seen floating outside the window in space.
Vasquez: Sometimes men find themselves standing in the way of other men's destiny... You don't wanna be that man.
Rhys sees the body and unfolds his arms, staring in complete shock. Vasquez turns to see the body.
Vasquez: Wow... I could not have timed that better, that helps dramatically make my point... Which is this. (puts his hands on his desk) This promotion is gonna take you out of the way of other people's destiny, and put you on your path... And that, my friend, is why I am promoting you to-
Vasquez's intercom turns on.
Vasquez: Jerry, why isn't my new car digi-structed in my office yet?
August (ECHO): Vasquez. It's August.
Vasquez: Oh, August. Uh... Cool. Listen, I actually have somebody here with me so--
August (ECHO): Are you buyin' this Vault Key or what, cause I--
Vasquez presses a button on the intercom that sends August's audio to Vasquez's earpiece.
Vasquez: (to August) How did this happen so quick? I thought I'd have more time. Of course I'm still interested. I-- Yes. I'm near a computer. (turns computer back around) Ten million. Yeah. It's just... that's a lot of money to get together on such short notice. I mean, I'm not trying to be obstinate, but I need time.
Vasquez starts pacing back and forth.
Rhys: Ugh. Why do the biggest scumbags always have the best view?
Rhys: That should be me... only less Vasquezy.
Rhys: Three years sucking up to the guy, out the window.
Rhys tries to rotate the computer, but Vasquez stops and stares at him. Rhys pretends he is fixing his hair. Vasquez continues pacing. Rhys activates his Echo Eye. Rhys can now scan things.
ANALYSIS COMPLETE
PLANET: PANDORA
APHELION: 178,900,400 km
PERIHELION: 148,098,254 km
ECCENTRICITY: 0.0813351
SATELLITES: 1 Natural Moon
Pandora's potential for profit is
rivaled only by its potential to kill
you within minutes of setting foot
on its surface.
ANALYSIS COMPLETE
NAME: Hugo P. Vasquez
SPECIES: Homo sapien
ORIGIN: Demophon
AGE: 35
BLOOD PRESSURE: 140/90
PERSONAL CATCHPHRASES: "Rock
and Roll." "Lock and Load." "Ain't No
Thang." (Ironically)
ANALYSIS COMPLETE
NAME: Saul Henderson
ORIGIN: Aquator
SIGN: Pisces
AGE: 47
OCCUPATION: Senior VP of
Securities Propaganda (Former)
FAVORITE DONUT: That kind with
the sprinkles.
STATUS: Not well.
Rhys scans the computer.
ANALYSIS COMPLETE Holographic computer monitor Cost: Expensive Class: High User ID: Hugo Vasquez Currently viewing one [1] encrypted file.
Rhys downloads and decrypts the file using his cybernetic arm. He gets to see the Vault Key. He puts his arm back down.
Vasquez: Why are you trying to screw me on this? Oh, fine. Just wait there, okay? I can only be down... If it's gonna be ten million dollars I'm gonna need another hour or two. Okay. Yeah. I'll be there in a bit. Well then just stay there. It's a tourist attraction. Buy a mug or something. Sure, sure, sure. Okay. Say hi to your mom. (hangs up) Dammit. (turns back to Rhys) Oh... Right. Ah... What were we talking about? Before we were... so rudely interrupted.
Rhys: You were lecturing me. It was taking a while.
Rhys: Uh, I think it was something about buying a Vault Key, right?
Rhys: We were talking... we were talking about my promotion.
Rhys sighs.
Vasquez: Oh... right. Your, uh, promotion. (sits on desk) Henderson was a fool. He didn't know his place. He needed lesson number 1... humility. But you. I respect you, Rhys. That's why I'm going to make you Assistant... Vice... Janitor.
Rhys: What? N-no. No, y-y-you can't.
Vasquez: I'm the boss now, Rhys. I do whatever I want. (stands up) Report to sewage scow twenty-three, effective immediately.
Rhys: You can't humiliate me. I quit.
Vasquez will remember that.
Rhys: (stands up) You better get an eye installed in the back of your head, 'cause, y-you never know when... I could be creeping up, behind you and you--
Vasquez punches Rhys to the ground.
Vasquez will remember that.
Vasquez: I'm your boss, Rhys. Get used to that. This is what I'm talking about when I say humility. That was lesson number 2. Don't make lesson number 3 about a number 2.
Rhys: What?
Vasquez: Don't make me crap on the floor and make you clean it up.
Rhys: Fine. I've had to do worse in my career.
Vasquez will remember that.
Rhys stands up and glares at him. Vasquez punches Rhys to the ground.
Vasquez: I'm your boss, Rhys. Get used to that. This is what I'm talking about when I say humility. That was lesson number 2. Don't make lesson number 3 about a number 2.
Rhys: What?
Vasquez: Don't make me crap on the floor and make you clean it up.
Vasquez: You're dismissed, Rhys.
Rhys stands up if he hasn't already and walks out of the office.
Vasquez: (calling out) I'll let you know when I need my trashcan emptied.
Vaughn has been listening on the outside. The door opens and Rhys steps out. The door closes. Vaughn walks up to Rhys.
Vaughn: What the hell was that? He can't do this to us!
Rhys: He just did.
Vaughn: (shakes his head) No... No, no, this can't be happening.
Rhys and Vaughn start walking together.
Rhys: I'm finished, Vaughn. I'm finished. You know how this place is. There's blood in the water, and everyone can smell it.
A worker passing by rubs his head awkwardly.
Vaughn: No. No. No they can't. Not yet. Unless you don't quiet down. We just gotta keep it on the down low until we figure something out. It's not that bad yet.
Rhys kicks the trashcan over. The alarm goes off.
Vaughn bumps into the trashcan and knocks it over. The alarm starts going off. Rhys is frustrated at Vaughn, who pushes his glasses up and shrugs at Rhys.
Intercom Woman: Senior Vice Janitor Rhys to sector D451 for trash cleanup because that is your job now, to clean up trash with your bare hands.
Rhys and Vaughn's friend Yvette walks up to them. She crosses her arms.
Rhys: Sorry, you were saying something. I interrupted you.
Yvette: Rhys... why are you cleaning up trash? I thought you were getting a promotion... Trash duty seems like the opposite of a promotion.
Rhys: Vasquez screwed me out of the promotion.
Rhys: It's my job now, Yvette.
Rhys: Henderson's dead.
Yvette: What? Are you sure?
Rhys: Yeah. I mean, you can ask him yourself, he's floating outside in space.
Vaughn: It's that prick Vasquez.
Vaughn: He threw Henderson out of an airlock and demoted Rhys to trashman.
Yvette: Holy crap. (crosses arms) So does that mean you're not buying?
YVETTE Your Other Best Friend. [Requisitions & Lunch Leech]
Rhys glares at her and starts walking.
Yvette: (unfolds arms) Well, just... trying to lighten the mood...
Vaughn and Yvette follow Rhys.
Yvette: ...and I didn't bring my wallet, so if someone pays for me...
Vaughn: I'll tell you who's gonna pay. Vasquez.
Yvette: I don't know if he's the type to-
Vaughn: We can't let that prick get away with this. We need to do something.
Yvette: He just killed a guy. Maybe it's better we lay low for a bit...
Vaughn: What? No way! We hit back.
Rhys: We could throw him out an airlock... worked on Henderson.
Yvette: Yeah... except I'm not a murderer.
Rhys: Oh, right.
Yvette: There's no way Hyperion would let Vasquez do that to him unless there was good reason.
Vaughn: The vault key! That's it.
Yvette: What vault key?
Rhys: We steal his deal. We steal his deal.
Vaughn: Yes. That's what I'm talking about.
Yvette: What are you talking about?
Rhys: Vasquez set up a deal on Pandora for a vault key.
Rhys: We're gonna ruin his career.
Yvette: How do you plan on doing that?
Rhys: Yeah, Vasquez set up a deal on Pandora for a vault key.
Yvette: Woah. A vault key?
Vaughn: Man... poor Henderson... yeah, he was a bastard but... he was our bastard, you know?
Yvette: There's no way Hyperion would let Vasquez do that to him unless there was good reason.
Vaughn thinks a bit before remembering.
Vaughn: The vault key! I mean, that's- that's gotta be it.
Rhys looks surprised.
Yvette: What vault key?
Vaughn: That must be why he got the promotion. The only thing Hyperion cares more about than money is vault keys. It's perfect! I mean, not only do we screw over Assquez, we have a frickin' vault key. What're they worth? Like a billion dollars?
Yvette: More.
Rhys: Yeah, but we need ten million dollars, right now, to make the deal.
Vaughn: Hold please...
They all stop. Vaughn uses his glasses to wire the money to his account.
Vaughn: Done.
Rhys: I'm not gonna lie... that was impressive.
Vaughn: I'm in accounting. It's what I do. Ten million bucks is chump change around here. By the time anyone notices we'll have a vault key.
Rhys and Vaughn start walking.
Yvette: Cool. Well, looks like you boys got it all figured out. I'm gonna go eat... alone. (turns and starts to leave) Call me if you don't get killed, alright?
Vaughn rushes over to her.
Vaughn: Whoa, whoa whoa! Hey! We need your help. We need clearance, transportation. You're a requisitions master. We need that stuff.
Rhys: Yeah, maybe a Loader Bot or two, you know, if things get dicey.
Yvette: Look... it's one thing stealing from a bunch of suckers on Pandora... you're talking about stealing from Hyperion.
Rhys walks over to them.
Vaughn: But we're friends! Friends help each other steal stuff. I mean, that's how it works.
Yvette: Richter used to steal candy bars. His family still doesn't know where the body is.
Vaughn: Richter was an asshole and his family are assholes.
Rhys: Please, Yvette? You want me to get stuck in the awful existence of being a janitor.
Yvette will remember that.
Yvette: Vasquez really screwed us, didn't he... Fine... but I'm still hungry.
Rhys: Come on. I'll buy you that lunch I owe you when we get back.
Yvette will remember that.
Yvette: Fine. But you're buying me lunch now, and when you get back.
Rhys: Come on, Yvette. We're in this together. One of us moves up, we all move up.
Yvette will remember that.
Vaughn: Yeah. And by that same logic, in some way, we all just got demoted to janitor. Do you really want that?
Yvette: Vasquez really screwed us, didn't he... Fine. But I'm still hungry.
Vaughn: Look, we've always said, one of us moves up, and we all move up.
Yvette: Riiight.
Vaughn: And by that logic, in some way, we all just got demoted to janitor. Do you really want that?
They all start walking together.
Rhys: Alright, we only got a couple more hours.
Yvette: Go withdraw the cash, I'll get you guys clearance to Pandora, get you geared up and issue you a standard Hyperion town car.
Vaughn: What? Standard? Really? You can't spring for premium? Seat warmers, maybe a convertible or something-
Yvette: Sure, yeah, a convertible. So, just so I got this straight, you want me to get you a car to drive around Pandora that leaves you less protected, right?
Vaughn: Look, it's just, if you're gonna steal something, I figure-
Rhys: No. No... don't worry... I've got a car in mind.
It cuts to Pandora in a trunk shot. A man is digging up treasure. The song "Busy Earnin'" by Jungle plays on his boombox. He dives into the hole and comes out with a supply chest. He holds it up and smiles at it. The man hears something launch from Helios and turns to it in the sky. Suddenly, he is shot in the head offscreen with a sniper rifle by a common marauder. The marauder walks over to the supply chest and opens it. Suddenly, Rhys and Vaughn, riding in Vasquez's car, land on the marauder, killing him. They drive as two bandits watch them from afar. The armor on the car comes off. Rhys shifts gears on the car and speeds forward as a rakk flies above them. They eventually come across the sign for Prosperity Junction with a psycho hanging from it by a noose. Rhys and Vaughn look nervous about it as they drive past it. Suddenly, a skag is in the middle of the road.
Vaughn: AHHH CRAP!
Rhys hits the skag as the music stops. The car spins and screeches to a halt.
Rhys: Holy freakin' crap, what was that? Oh, why? Why? Why in the world would you cross right there?
Vaughn: What did we even-- what did we even hit? I hope that wasn't like a really ugly person. (looks back at it) Ugh, shhhhhhcrap. I think we-- I think we killed it. Are we murderers now? We-We're murderers. We're murderers. Great. Great, we murder. You know, I thought it would take longer than 20 seconds before that happened.
Rhys: Well, at least it didn't suffer.
Vaughn: Yeah, I guess. Sucks, though.
Rhys: Relax, Vaughn, it's a skag. They breed like hostile rabbits down here.
Vaughn: Still. It's kinda sad.
Rhys: Vaughn... I'm more worried about the dent in the car, okay.
Vaughn: First of all, it's Vasquez's company lease, and second, I'm sorry that I... brake for birds or whatever, but...
Rhys: Yeah, yeah, but you wouldn't brake for monster birds, that thing was a... a nightmare creature.
Rhys stares at Vaughn.
Vaughn: What.
Rhys puts a finger to his lips.
The skag squirms a bit. Rhys continues to drive forward as a rakk flies overhead.
Prosperity Junction (Past)[]
Rhys drives the car slowly into Prosperity Junction. Two bandits are beating a man on the ground.
Vaughn: So... What do we say if someone asks where we got the money?
Rhys: What do you mean?
Vaughn: I mean, what do we tell people? We should have a story. I would prefer not to tell them that we stole it from Hyperion. That would not go over well. I just think we need a plan of some sort.
Rhys: We can just say it's for charity.
Vaughn: What does that even mean?
Rhys: Let's just say Vasquez gave it to us to make the deal. It's easier that way.
Rhys: We just need to create some sort of distraction.
Vaughn: What? How?
Rhys: Oh, hey, your fly's down.
Vaughn looks down and realizes he's been tricked.
Rhys: Eh? Eh?
Rhys: We just tell 'em the truth... that we stole it.
Vaughn: How is that a good idea?
Rhys: Hey, we're on Pandora. We'll actually get more street cred if it seems like we're bigger criminals than we are.
Vaughn: Uh, ok --okay, I guess we just say we're his personal assistants... I mean, he's got enough of those, it wouldn't surprise anyone.
Vaughn looks at the bandits beating up the man.
Vaughn: Sooooo.... this looks... not good.
Bandit: Got ourselves a hero here! (turns to Vaughn) What are you looking at?!
Vaughn stops looking.
Rhys: It's Pandora, what did you expect?
Vaughn: Yeah, no, I know... (opens briefcase of money) I-- I guess I'm just now more acutely aware that I have 10 million dollars chained to me is all. (closes briefcase) In a neighborhood, I might add, of backplanet nutjobs. I'm just getting a vibe, you know?
Rhys: Vaughn, don't be such a wuss. (punches Vaughn on the arm)
Vaughn: You know, when you say things like that, I sometimes forget you're pretending to be the guy who would say things like that.
Rhys: It's... Wait, what? Okay look, it's a boring dusty old town, nothing more, alright?
Rhys: What the Hell are you afraid of, huh? It's a town, like any other, just a little more dust.
Rhys: Just keep your eyes open for the place, okay? I don't wanna be here any longer than we have to.
Vaughn: Yeah.
Rhys: And watch the money.
Vaughn: Rhys? (imitating Rhys) "Yeah, Vaughn, I agree." Yeah, this place is a garbage land of sand and sadness.
Rhys: Listen, one tap on the arm, and Yvette can send down a Loader Bot if things get too entertaining.
Vaughn: That's true.
Rhys: And she gave me this. (pulls out stun baton) It is a stun baton. I do not know how it works, but it's definitely neat. (puts it away)
Vaughn: Yeah, a stick. Neato. God, I can't wait to be in that chair. You and me, Yvette... I mean, we bring this key back, and they're gonna make us the once and future kings of that place for sure. They'll send in a crew to use the key... And then that's it. Then it's kick back on the moon beach time.
Rhys: Don't think so small, my friend. We're not just gonna run Hyperion, we're gonna be responsible for plundering a Vault.
Vaughn will remember that.
Rhys: You can count on two fingers the number of people who have even gotten close to that.
Rhys: There's only room at the top for one.
Vaughn will remember that.
Vaughn: You're joking. Right?
Rhys: Don't worry, you'll still be my loyal retainer.
Rhys: Yeah, yeah, we'll pop champagne and everything after we get back with the key.
Vaughn: Ah c'mon, it's in the bag.
Vaughn: All in a day's work. (pats Rhys)
Rhys continues to drive slowly through Prosperity Junction. A monorail passes above them. The tracker on the case starts to beep.
Vaughn: The tracker's beep beep beeping but I don't see the place.
Rhys: It's "The World of Curiosities," right?
Vaughn: Yeah, do you see it?
Rhys suddenly breaks for a bandit crossing in front of them.
Rhys: No.
The bandit walks over to a man at a skag skewer cart.
Vaughn: Could ask one of them... They seem... normalish. Normalish enough, anyway.
Rhys: What an excellent idea.
Rhys: Or you could ask one of them.
Rhys: I don't know... we can still just find it... I hate asking for help.
Vaughn: Time's a wastin', let's figure out where we're going.
Rhys and Vaughn get out of the car.
Rhys walks over and knocks on the porto-potty.
Bandit: (inside) Back off!
ANALYSIS COMPLETE
"Dook Hut"
Portable Chemical Toilet
Manufacturer: Dahl
Model: 109VE "Titan Class"
Probability of Contatining Loot:
Weirdly High
"For the Pandoran with a Titan ass,
make sure your toilet is Titan
Class."
Rhys: Hi, sir, yes, do you...
The bandit takes a bite out of his skag skewer.
Rhys: I think I'm just gonna skip this guy.
Rhys: Hey, do you know where the "World of Curiosities" is?
The bandit turns to face the wall.
Rhys: I have a feeling he's somewhat inebriated.
Rhys: (bends down) Excuse me, but do you know where the "World of Curiosities" is?
The bandit snores.
ANALYSIS COMPLETE
Atlas
Primary Industries:
-Weapons
-Mining
-Finding Vaults
-Getting beaten by Handsome Jack
HA. I rule.
ANALYSIS COMPLETE
Local "food"
Contents:
-64% Skag Meat
-35% Other Meat
-01% Smoke
Nutrition: (Awaiting results -
Assigned food tester in hospital)
Rudiger is flipping over skag skewers.
Rhys: Not a very handsome fellow, is he?
Rhys walks over to Rudiger to talk to him. Rhys crosses his arms. Rudiger stops what he's doing and looks up at Rhys.
Rhys: Do you know where the World of Curiosities is?
Rudiger doesn't answer.
Rhys: Uh...
Vaughn: It should be around here.
Rudiger: You lost?
Vaughn: Um...
Rudiger: What are you here for?
Rhys: Uhhh, why do you even care?
Rudiger: Because you're drivin' your ass wagon all through my town, kickin' up earth, stirrin' up spiderants, and when the spiderants come, people get killed.
Rhys: Look, guy, it's none of your business why we're here.
Rhys: It's just a simple business deal... a few papers to sign, and then we're out, easy.
Rudiger: (looks at briefcase) Huh. Those the "papers?"
Rudiger: What. are. you. here. for.
Rhys: (clears throat) Hi, excuse me, uh, sir, do you know where the, uh, "World of Curiosities" is?
Rudiger doesn't answer.
Rhys: Uh...
Vaughn: It should be around here.
Rudiger: You lost?
Vaughn: Um...
Rudiger: What are you here for?
Rhys: Uhhh, why do you even care?
Rudiger: Because you're drivin' your ass wagon all through my town, kickin' up earth, stirrin' up spiderants, and when the spiderants come, people get killed.
Rhys: Look, guy, it's none of your business why we're here.
Rhys: It's just a simple business deal... a few papers to sign, and then we're out, easy.
Rudiger: (looks at briefcase) Huh. Those the "papers?"
Rudiger: What. are. you. here. for.
Rhys: Hey! Yo Grease face. You know, the guy with the, weird... meat thing.
Grease Face will remember that.
Rhys: You know where the "World of Curiosities" is, cause my buddy and I, we gotta be there like, you know, like right now.
Rudiger: Say that again.
Vaughn: Rhys, what are you doing?
Rudiger: Yeah, Rhys... what are you doing? Repeat what you said. Just so there's no... misunderstanding.
Rhys: What? You got a greasy face. Look! Get some lotion, get some gel, do a wrap or something... I mean, if you wanna lash out, you know, blame your genes, it's not your fault.
Rhys: I was just kidding, fella, c'mon now. We're new to- (to Vaughn) It's alright, it's alright. (to Rudiger) We're new here, okay, passing through, and we just thought you might be able to give us some directions.
Rudiger: You lost?
Vaughn: Um...
Rudiger: What are you here for?
Rhys: Uhhh, why do you even care?
Rudiger: Because you're drivin' your ass wagon all through my town, kickin' up earth, stirrin' up spiderants, and when the spiderants come, people get killed.
Rhys: Look, guy, it's none of your business why we're here.
Rhys: It's just a simple business deal... a few papers to sign, and then we're out, easy.
Rudiger: (looks at briefcase) Huh. Those the "papers?"
Rudiger: What. are. you. here. for.
Rhys: Woah, oh-okay hey, look, you know what, I'm sorry, okay? We're new to- (to Vaughn) It's alright, it's alright. (to Rudiger) We're new here, okay, passing through, and we just thought you might be able to give us some directions.
Rudiger: You lost?
Vaughn: Um...
Rudiger: What are you here for?
Rhys: Uhhh, why do you even care?
Rudiger: Because you're drivin' your ass wagon all through my town, kickin' up earth, stirrin' up spiderants, and when the spiderants come, people get killed.
Rhys: Look, guy, it's none of your business why we're here.
Rhys: It's just a simple business deal... a few papers to sign, and then we're out, easy.
Rudiger: (looks at briefcase) Huh. Those the "papers?"
Rudiger: What. are. you. here. for.
Rudiger: Do you not speak my language? Ooga booga? Crab got your tongue?
Rhys stares at him awkwardly. Rudiger looks up at him.
Rhys: Uh...
Vaughn: It should be around here.
Rudiger: You lost?
Vaughn: Um...
Rudiger: What are you here for?
Rhys: Uhhh, why do you even care?
Rudiger: Because you're drivin' your ass wagon all through my town, kickin' up earth, stirrin' up spiderants, and when the spiderants come, people get killed.
Rhys: Look, guy, it's none of your business why we're here.
Rhys: It's just a simple business deal... a few papers to sign, and then we're out, easy.
Rudiger: (looks at briefcase) Huh. Those the "papers?"
Rudiger: What. are. you. here. for.
Rudiger notices the Hyperion logo on your jacket.
Rudiger: You're Hyperion? (walks to Rhys with a hatchet) You egg-suckers ruined this town, you know that? Atlas were bastards, but at least they had the good sense to fail. When Jack came in he turned everything to smoke.
Rhys: Listen, all we want are directions to the World of Curiosities, that's it, okay? We get that, and we're gone.
Rhys: (turns to Vaughn) Oh my God, who called in the whaaambulance, huh? (turns to Rudiger) Look, if you don't know where the World of Curiosities is, stop wasting our time and just tell us so we can move on to the next hole of garbage that you people call a suburb and see if their morons know any better.
Rhys: (sigh) Okay. (pulls out money) What's it gonna take. Huh? How much? Twenty? Fifty?
Rudiger: And it's you and assholes like you that made it happen.
Rudiger turns his attention to Vaughn.
Rudiger: Hey, little man... (slams hatchet into cart) What's in the case? (walks toward Vaughn) Hey, kitty cat. Show us what's in the case.
Rhys stops Rudiger by blocking him. They glare at each other. Rudiger turns around.
Rhys: Okay, now look... before we get all...
The sleeping bandit gets up.
Rhys: Bent... huuohhh...
Another bandit walks toward them. Rhys and Vaughn start walking backward.
Vaughn: Is there... like a... convention or something...?
A bandit busts out of the porto-potty.
Rhys: Oh, uh. Bandits.
Rudiger: You know what we got here? (puts on bandit helmet)
Vaughn: Rhys. Do the...
Rudiger: We got a couple Hyperion warmongers, gentlemen. (crosses arms)
Vaughn: The bot. Yvette. Prime it.
Rhys pulls Yvette up on ECHO with his cybernetic arm.
Yvette (ECHO): (sigh) Already? Really?
Rhys: Just, we need a Loader Bot, okay?
A nomad busts out of a door.
Rhys: Give me the menu.
Rhys pulls up the Loader Bot menu.
Yvette (ECHO): Okay, but don't go bananas. These things ain't cheap.
Rudiger: And do you know what we do with warmongers? Do you know what we do? Should we tell them what we do with Hyperion workers?
Yvette (ECHO): Who is that?
Vaughn: Rhys... c'mon, just get it.
Rhys chooses a primary weapon of either a riot shield or a machine gun and a secondary weapon of either sticky longbow grenades or a rocket launcher.
Automated Voice: Loader Bot deployed.
Loader Bot is seen deploying from Helios.
Rudiger: Time to clock in.
Bandit 1: Yeeeeehaaww!
Rudiger: Listen, boys... you're gonna hand over that case... or you're handin' over your heads. Your choice. (walks toward them)
Vaughn: Look, guys, let's talk about this!
Three bandits walk toward them. One with a machine gun gets crushed to death by the newly deployed Loader Bot, sending the other bandits diving for cover.
Rhys: Ooh. Got quiet all of a sudden.
Loader Bot unfolds itself and stands up straight with its primary weapon. Rhys crosses his arms and smiles.
Loader Bot: Hi.
Everyone stands in awkward silence for a few seconds. Rhys and Vaughn stare at each other. The bandits suddenly pull out their weapons.
Bandits: Kill 'em all! (start shooting)
Rhys dives behind a crate and Vaughn dives behind the car as the bandits start shooting Loader Bot.
Vaughn: Why isn't it doing anything?!
Loader Bot: Angry eyes detected. Awaiting instruction.
Rhys: (pulls up arm) It only does what I tell it to!
Vaughn: Well tell it to do something already!
Loader Bot: Please stop shooting me.
Vaughn: Rhys? Do something! You know, make it do something!
This will continue until you raise your weapon.Rhys controls Loader Bot and makes it hold up its primary weapon.
Loader Bot: Engaging target.
Rhys: See? Piece of cake.
Vaughn: You have to tell it what to do, Rhys!
Loader Bot: I am become... shame.
This will continue until you use your weapon.
Vaughn: Rhys, what are you doing?
Loader Bot shoots the bandit on the left with the machine gun. The other bandit jumps onto Loader Bot and starts shooting it in the face. Loader Bot shakes the bandit off and he flies into the car. Loader Bot then shoots this bandit to death.
Loader Bot shoots the bandit on the right with the machine gun. The other bandit jumps onto Loader Bot and starts shooting it in the face. Loader Bot raises his machine gun to the bandit's face and shoots him off.
Vaughn: Rhys, what are you doing?
Loader Bot swings his shield around and strikes the left bandit to the ground. Loader Bot then raises his shield up and swings down on the other bandit.
Loader Bot raises his shield up and swings down on the right bandit. Loader Bot then swings his shield around and strikes the other bandit to the ground.
Loader Bot: War. Does not compute. What is it good for?
Rhys: Ever since Jack died, the Loader Bots have been getting smarter and smarter.
A nomad walks up to the porto-potty and begins to tear its door off.
Rhys: He must really have to go.
The nomad tears off the door and uses it as a shield.
Rhys: That's not good.
The nomad picks up a dead bandit's gun and begins to shoot at Loader Bot.
Rhys: Oh, come on!
Loader Bot tries to shoot at the nomad but the door blocks the bullets.
Loader Bot holds the shield up.
Nomad: Kill the robot thing!
Loader Bot swings around and chucks a sticky grenade at the nomad. It explodes and leaves him open to fire.
Nomad: Arghh!
Loader Bot locks onto the nomad and fires a rocket at the nomad, leaving him open to fire.
Nomad: Arghh! Take cover, boys!Loader Bot fires upon the nomad, shooting him into the porto-potty.
Loader Bot rams the nomad into the porto-potty.
Loader Bot walks up to Rudiger. He gives a battle cry. A bandit on a nearby roof pulls out a RPG and aims it at Loader Bot. A peaking out Vaughn notices this.
Vaughn: Rocket, rocket, rocket!
Rhys: I know!
Loader Bot shifts to the left to dodge the rocket. Rudiger smugly holds up his hands and more bandits come to attack.
Bandit 2: I see you, sucka!
Loader Bot pulls out a grenade and acquires the targets of the RPG bandit and two other bandits. It swings around again and chucks the grenade at the bandits. It disappears for a few seconds, confusing the bandits, before reappearing and sticking to a wall. It explodes and shocks the bandits.
Bandits: Yeeaarghhg!
Loader Bot acquires the targets of the RPG bandit and two other bandits.
Loader Bot: Welcome to oblivion. (fires rockets at them)
Bandit 2: This suckkkkks!
The rockets hit and destroy the bandits.Vaughn: Well, now I know why these cost so much.
Rudiger comes over and punches Vaughn.
Vaughn: Ooof!
Rudiger takes the case, not realizing it is chained to Vaughn.
Rudiger: Thank you kindly. (gets in the car)
Vaughn: Ugh, wait wait wait wait! Wait!
Rudiger starts to drive the car, dragging Vaughn with him.
Vaughn: Rhyyyys! Oh, shi-- help! I'm attached to a moving vehicle! Stop him!
Rhys: (stands up) Uh, Loader Bot, go get that car!
Loader Bot saunters after the car.
Loader Bot: Stop. Thieves.
Rhys sprints after them. The car speeds away and is blocked by a bandit caravan that crashes in front of it. The bandits inside stick their guns through the windows and begin firing at Loader Bot. Loader Bot blocks the bullets with his weapon before jumping right over the caravan, leaving Rhys exposed. He jumps around and cowers in panic before jumping to the left to safety. Rhys gets up and runs down an alley. Suddenly, a bandit attacks him from above.
Bandit 3: Die now! (kicks Rhys to the ground) I'm gonna cook you! (swings axe down on Rhys)
Rhys dodges the axe and the axe goes between his legs. Rhys crawls backwards toward a wall and gets back on his feet. The bandit tries to attack Rhys again but Rhys dodges to the left, causing the bandit's axe to get stuck to the wall. Rhys punches the bandit with his normal arm, causing him to cry in pain. The bandit punches Rhys in the stomach and continues to try and reclaim his axe. Rhys notices that his stun baton fell out of his pocket. He picks it up and presses its button, making it extend and send the bandit flying into a building in slow motion.
Rhys: Huh. Interesting.
Another bandit with a fireax comes running down the alley after Rhys. Rhys backs up and ducks and dodges to avoid his strikes. Rhys whacks the bandit in the backside and sends him straight into a wall.
Rhys: Huh... alright.
Rhys tries to advance forward but a marauder and a nomad stand in his way.
Rhys hits the marauder into the left wall and then hits him in the leg, sending him spinning in the air before hitting the ground. Rhys can attack the nomad by hitting him in the face and the groin, to no avail. The nomad picks Rhys up by the neck and holds him against the wall. Rhys hits the nomad and then sticks his stun baton through the nomad's eyehole, killing him. The nomad falls over but Rhys gets out of his way.
Rhys ducks past the marauder and goes after the nomad. Rhys can attack him by hitting him in the face and the groin, to no avail. The nomad picks Rhys up by the neck and holds him against the wall. Rhys hits the nomad and then sticks his stun baton through the nomad's eyehole, killing him. The nomad either falls on Rhys or Rhys dodges him. The marauder yells at Rhys before Rhys kills him with the baton.
Rhys whacks the bandit he just beat into the legs of the nomad, knocking him down. Rhys hits the marauder into the left wall and then hits him in the leg, sending him spinning in the air before hitting the ground. The nomad gets back up. Rhys can attack the nomad by hitting him in the face and the groin, to no avail. The nomad picks Rhys up by the neck and holds him against the wall. Rhys hits the nomad and then sticks his stun baton through the nomad's eyehole, killing him. The nomad either falls on Rhys or Rhys dodges him.
Rhys runs up the stairs and onto a platform. He spots Loader Bot holding up the car as bandits shoot at him.
Rhys: Vaughn! Vaughn, where are you?!
Suddenly, Rudiger comes up next to Rhys and takes off his helmet while holding his hatchet.
GREASE FACEHe's got a greasy face.
RUDIGERKill 'em and Grill 'em
Rhys: What did you do with Vaughn?
Rudiger: How the hell should I know! Your frickin' bot tossed us both out. Now kindly stand still and die!
He tries to kill Rhys but Rhys hits the hatchet away and it kills a bandit. Rudiger backs away slowly. Rhys taps Rudiger and sends him flying into a sign. The metal covering the sign falls off, revealing the "World of Curiosities" sign.
Rhys: That's all I wanted to know! We could've avoided all of this.
Loader Bot: Ow.
Bandit 4: Get your ass gone!
Rhys: Okay, okay, okay, Loader Bot... put the car down.
Loader Bot: Sure thing. (throws the car at the bandits) Bandits imminent.
More bandits arrive. Rhys hops to the ground. Vaughn waves him over to cover and they hide behind Loader Bot.
Vaughn: Rhys! Do something!
Loader Bot: Bing. Weapons subsystem requires your attention.
Rhys: Alright, we'll have to improvise. (pulls up cybernetic arm)
Loader Bot: Time to get funky.
Rhys optimizes Loader Bot, combining both weapons he chose.
Loader Bot: Circumstances... analyzed.
Loader Bot: (shoves grenade into machine gun) Enhancing... weaponry. (fires grenades at bandits, killing them)
Rhys: Oh. Grenade launcher.
Loader Bot: (fires machine gun at bandits) Engaging... disproportionate response mode. (spins while firing rockets)
Rhys: This thing is amazing!
Loader Bot puts three grenades on its shield and picks Rhys and Vaughn up with one hand. It then flies into the air.
Rhys: Easy, buddy!
Loader Bot slams to the ground, causing the grenades to explode and kill all but one bandit. The last bandit tries to run into the caravan, but Loader Bot pulls out another grenade.
Loader Bot: Batter up. (tosses the grenade to Rhys)
Rhys: What is happening!
Loader Bot fires rockets upward.
Vaughn: I don't know!
Loader Bot: Come here, little ones. (grabs Rhys and Vaughn)
Loader Bot shields itself and Rhys and Vaughn as the rockets come down and kill all the bandits.
After the carnage, several bandit corpses fall from the sky, one of which land on the car.
Loader Bot: Fatality.
Suddenly, more bandits come from the caravan and attack.
Rhys: Oh, come on!
Loader Bot gets shot at while Vaughn tries to open the barred door behind them.
Vaughn: How are we gonna get inside?
Rhys: Uh... we could...
Loader Bot lifts Rhys and Vaughn up.
Rhys: Yeah, that.
Vaughn: Uhmm.
Loader Bot lifts the two over the door and into the building. It gives Rhys and Vaughn a thumbs up.
Rhys: Thanks, Loader Bot.
Suddenly, a bandit jumps on Loader Bot's back.
Loader Bot: Wait, what? This is totally uncool. (tries to swing bandit off) Why must the universe punish the good.
Two bandits shoot Loader Bot's leg off.
Loader Bot: Ow. (reaches out) Help. Please.
A bandit rips Loader Bot's arm off.
Loader Bot: The metal is willing but the spirit is weak.
Vaughn: C'mon, Rhys, just tell it to run.
Automated Voice: Self-destruct option... available.
Bandits start beating Loader Bot. One beats him with Loader Bot's own arm.
Loader Bot: Let me go. Ouch. Sustaining damage. Ow.
Loader Bot will store that in memory.
Vaughn runs out of the way.
Loader Bot will store that in memory.
Loader Bot: Parting is such sweet sorrow.
World of Curiosities[]
Rhys: I will name my first born, Loader Bot. (turns and walks to Vaughn) Well you know probably not.
Vaughn: (out of breath) I... (stands up) I can't believe we're alive. I mean, I--I never wanna see somebody's brains come out of their nose, not ever again. That... that was the single scariest experience... of my entire life! Which... should probably be over by now... but it's not... for some reason... but for those guys... a lot of those guys... it is... Man.
Rhys: Aw c'mon. It was a little fun. Right? You cannot honestly stand there and tell me that it didn't feel kind of great to kick all those guys' asses.
Vaughn will remember that.
Vaughn: Okay... yeah... it was a little... awesome. But I'm sure it was as traumatic as it was fun. We're probably gonna need some therapy in the future, you know that, right?
Rhys: Look, they got what they deserved. They attacked us. Maybe next time they'll think twice before--
Vaughn will remember that.
Vaughn: They're not thinking anything. I told you, I saw their brains.
Rhys: It's over now. We made it.
Vaughn: I mean his... brains... just... just like, like snot...
Vaughn will remember that.
Rhys: Yes, okay. That was awful. I agree, but we got through it, you know, and that probably shouldn't have happened. At least now we can handle ourselves if--
Vaughn: If what, if brains ooze out of people's noses?
Rhys: W--Yeah, basically.
Vaughn: Well... I guess that's just a little more nightmare fuel to keep me going.
Rhys: Alright, let's just find this guy, August, buy the key...
They turn and are freaked out by the interior of the World of Curiosities.
Rhys: ...and get the Hell out of here.
Vaughn moves forward.
ANALYSIS COMPLETEeveryone else around.
Alpha Skag
Diet: Literally anything
Habitat: Wherever it wants
Weak Points: Good luck
Existence of Alpha Skags indicates
that there is a certain hierarchy in
skag social structure; one in which
the biggest jerks apparently boss
ANALYSIS COMPLETEthat restaurant you love.
Spiderant Worker
Likes: Its territory
Dislikes: Things on its territory
Spiderants are burrowing insects
commonly found in areas of open
ground which will attack anything
that treads on their territory. Also
many of them are racist and hate
Rhys stares at the stuffed bullymong.
Rhys: Huh.
ANALYSIS COMPLETEBlitsmith (Marketing, Exotic Pets)
Bullymong (Killed in Frozen Wastes)
Intelligence: Low
Speed: Fast enough
Strength: F*%#ing high
"Twice the arms for twice the fun,
They're the pet for everyone!"
-"The Bullymong Jingle" by Horace
ANALYSIS COMPLETEroutines.
Splorghuld the Flesh-Slayer
Length: 15m
Width: 4m
Breath: Awful
It is said that certain rituals
involving colored barrels can raise
Splorghuld from its aquatic slumber
to perform elaborate dance
ANALYSIS COMPLETEJust run. They are not even tasty.
Badass Borok
Continent of origin: Aegrus
Weak point(s): Throat
Strong point(s): Bloodthirsty
Disposition, Positive Attitude
Hunting Boroks is best avoided by
small children, the elderly, and
anyone with a heartbeat. Seriously.
ANALYSIS COMPLETEStab me?"
Name: Professor Penumbra
Hometown: Oasis
Height: 5'10"
Weight: 143 lbs
Current Status: Stuffed and
mounted
Cause of death: Stabbing
Last words: "What're you gonna do?
Rhys looks at Professor Penumbra.
Vaughn: Alright, you know, the stuffed animals was one thing, but this is taking a turn I really don't want it to.
The speaker in Penumbra's chest suddenly turns on.
Announcer: Right this way to the world famous Hall of Pandoran Luminaries.
Rhy and Vaughn look at the "Hall of Pandoran Luminaries" sign.
Announcer: Come face to face with icons of the planet's turbulent history... and hear how each met their grisly fate.
Rhys and Vaughn turn to where the sign is pointing.
Announcer: Please watch your step and marvel at some of the unexpected ends of life's grand design.
Rhys: There's nowhere else to go. Come on, let's just get through it.
Vaughn sighs.
Announcer: Bewm, not to be confused with his brother Boom, was the first mate of Captain Flynt. As his name subtly implies, Bewm enjoyed hurling caustic explosives and making things blow up by any means necessary.
ANALYSIS COMPLETE*Unconfirmed
Incendiary Grenade
Status: Deactivated*
Grenade Damage: 2050
Blast Radius: 312
Fuse Time: 3.2
Announcer: Pandoran resident and fine dining connoisseur, Shade was held in high esteem by his fellow neighbors in Oasis. Not in the least bit insane. He will be missed.
ANALYSIS COMPLETEquality.
A DIY fancy accessory
Owner: Shade
Manufacturer: Shade
For the man who wants to feel
fancy without sacrificing that
certain "Je ne suis pas sasin d'esprit"
ANALYSIS COMPLETEPerson
Neuron-Linked Cannon
Weapon Type: Slag
GenID: Prof. Nakayama
Modifications: Self-Inflicted
"Oh yeah? Well would a crazy person
attach a robot gun arm to their
spine?!"
-Professor Nakayama, Crazy
ANALYSIS COMPLETEwork as male enhancement
Rotting Arm
Foreign Contaminant Detected
Analysis: Eridium
-Alien mineral
-Used frequently in weapons
processing
-Despite best attempts, does not
Announcer: The once ruthless leader of the Crimson Lance, Commandant Steele. Her leader-ness came to an end when she was skewered by a monstrous tentacle. She later died a second time after having been resurrected as some kind of cyborg zombie thing.
ANALYSIS COMPLETE"augmentation" by I.N.A.C.)
The Brain of Commandant Steele
Composition: Military grade carbon
nanotube polymer.
Contents: A brain (Still includes
Rhys eventually looks at Nakayama.
Rhys: Oh, I remember this guy, he was an asshole.
Announcer: Formerly a scientific researcher who worked for Hyperion, Professor Nakayama was obsessed with cloning Handsome Jack, who he carried a certain fondness for. Killed by stairs.
Vaughn: No witty rejoinder? You must be more traumatized than I am.
Rhys: Hey, he's still got his Hyperion ID chip.
Vaughn: Really? Keep it! Hyperion pays out a nice bonus for recovering those things.
Rhys takes his Hyperion ID chip, causing his gun on his shoulder to fall over.
Rhys: Oops.
Rhys and Vaughn eventually make it to a door.
Rhys knocks on the door but nothing happens.
Rhys tries to open the door but it is locked.
Rhys: Oh, it's locked.
Vaughn: Oh come on, are you serious?
Rhys: This feels like we came in the back, so maybe there's a front door somewhere?
Vaughn: Yeah, I don't know if we can get out there with the murderers all over the place.
Rhys: Maybe one of those bodies has a key or something and we just missed it.
Vaughn: Wow, I mean if we just randomly found the key, I mean that would be amazing.
Rhys walks backward only to realize that the "corpse" of Shade is missing. He walks forward only for a living Shade to pop out and surprise them.
Shade: Hi!
Vaughn: Augh!
Rhys: Ahh!
SHADE Not in the least bit insane.
Shade hops down in front of Rhys and Vaughn.
Shade: How are you?
Vaughn: Not great!
Shade: Are you two not just the handsomest devils I've seen in ages. (chuckles)
Rhys: Why are you pretending to be dead? Why?
Rhys: Asshole!
Shade will remember that.
Shade: Moi?
Rhys: What... wha... Who are you?
Rhys: Don't do that! (smacks Shade)
Shade: Ah! Oh, okay, okay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you guys!
Shade's face will remember that.
Rhys says nothing.
Vaughn: What--what is this, is this part of the-- like some kind of ride or something? (walks up to Bewm's corpse, then walks up to Shade) Since the moment we walked in, it's just been one freaky puppet show, so I--
Shade: Thanks! I'm Shade, and this is my World of Curiosities! Let me just tell you right off the very bat, I am deeply sorry that you strapping young threshers of gentlemen here have to witness it in such sad disrepair. Time can take a toll, you know. And on more things than one! (chuckles, then clears throat) But unfortunately we are closed for renovations. But that doesn't mean you have to leave, of course, no. I mean we can do other things. You're already here. We... we can just hang out.
Rhys: Look, Shade, or whatever, just, stop wasting our time, alright. We're not here to see your weird zoo of death.
Rhys: We're looking for a man named August. We're supposed to meet him here. You know anything about that?
Shade: Oh, sure! Sure! Why didn't you say so, huh? You're late, actually.
Rhys: Listen, we're here to make a deal, alright? We're buying a... thing. Something valuable. You know anything about that?
Vaughn: Uh, we're here to meet August. You know him?
Shade: Oh, sure! Sure! Why didn't you say so, huh? You're late, actually.
Shade: Yeah? If you wanna buy something strange and illegal, this is certainly the place to do it! (opens door and enters)
Rhys and Vaughn stare at each other before continuing.
Deal Room[]
Rhys, Vaughn and Shade walk together.
Shade: My grandpappy, he's the one who came up with this place. He was a real thinker, you know, a real lover of animals... Still is, actually, cause he's definitely not dead! But the place itself...
They all stop and turn to see August sitting with his girlfriend Sasha.
August: What happened? You get stuck in traffic? (stands up) You Hyperion guys are usually so punctual. Gettin' 10 million together can't be too much trouble for you guys. I assume you'd have that scratch as walkaround money.
Rhys: Yeah, well, sorry we're late. Getting here was a little more complicated than we thought it'd be.
Rhys: I figured you'd want to take the tour, maybe get here a little early.
August: Early? Are you kidding me? You think I like being here, you think this is fun? Have you seen the bathroom yet?
Shade smiles.
Rhys: Oh, well excuse me! I--I don't know if you heard the explosions outside, but you know, we had to mow down about a couple hundred bandits just so we could ring the Goddamned doorbell.
Shade: Just in time for the Spring collection.
Vaughn: Yeah, well, we almost died, so...
Shade: Alright, well... I'll just leave you to your business things, then. (leaves)
August: I'm August, but I figure you know that already.
AUGUST The Guy with the Key
Sasha glares at Rhys and he glares back at her, so she stops.
August: Is, uh... Is Vasquez comin'?
Rhys: Vasquez. He was just the go-between, the middle man.
Vaughn: The puppet, the pigeon.
Rhys: Stop. I'm the one who's buying the key.
Rhys: Hugo couldn't make it. He's sick.
Vaughn: Yeah, he ate some bad stuff... or something. I dunno. He's been camped out in the executive washroom since lunchtime.
Sasha shakes her head.
Rhys: He's got trains leaving both ends of the station, if you know what I mean.
Rhys: I'm Vasquez. And there's nobody else coming.
August: What the hell are you doing?
Rhys: What?
August: You're not Vasquez. I know Hugo. I just talked to him a few hours ago.
August: Vasquez? Is he coming?
August: So, what's your name? Just so we're on, uh, equal footing. You have one, right?
Rhys: It's Rhys.
August: Reece?
Rhys: (sigh) Rhys.
August: Isn't that what I said?
Rhys: You want my name? My name's Ten Million Dollars for all you should care. You're a Vault Key to me, 'kay, that's it.
August will remember that.
August: Okay, okay, look, I don't know what the Hell you think you're doing, but... this is not how I operate, alright? I expected Vasquez, and I got you.
Sasha: Yeah!
August: So let's all get friendly real fast. I mean, I'm trying. Aren't I trying? Huh? Aren't I trying?
Sasha: You're trying!
August: So... let's try again. My name's August. What's yours? Do you want me to guess?
Rhys: It's Rhys.
August: Reece?
Rhys: (sigh) Rhys.
August: Isn't that what I said?
Rhys: This is a business transaction, we don't have to be buddies.
Rhys: You can pout all you want. You're not getting my name.
Vaughn: It doesn't matter what our names are. We're Hyperion, sent here on authority of Vasquez. And we're here for one thing... to buy a Vault Key. So why don't we just skip all the yakkety-yak and get to it.
Rhys: I have yours, August. You don't need mine.
August will remember that.
August: Okay, look, I don't know what the Hell you think you're doing, but we're-- we're all here for a lot of money and a freakin' Vault Key, alright?
Sasha: Yeah!
August: So let's all get friendly real fast. I mean, I'm trying. Aren't I trying? Huh? Aren't I trying?
Sasha: You're trying!
August: So... let's try again. My name's August. What's yours? Do you want me to guess?
Rhys: It's Rhys.
August: Reece?
Rhys: (sigh) Rhys.
August: Isn't that what I said?
Rhys: This is a business transaction, we don't have to be buddies.
Rhys: You can pout all you want. You're not getting my name.
Vaughn: It doesn't matter what our names are. We're Hyperion, sent here on authority of Vasquez. And we're here for one thing... to buy a Vault Key. So why don't we just skip all the yakkety-yak and get to it.
Vaughn: It doesn't matter what our names are. We're Hyperion, sent here on authority of Vasquez. And we're here for one thing... to buy a Vault Key. So why don't we just skip all the yakkety-yak and get to it.
August facepalms. He then sits in a chair.
August: Just... sit down and let's do this so we can move on with our lives.
Rhys sits in a chair across from August at a table. Vaughn turns to see if anyone else is around.
August: Okay, so, let's see the money. Cash only for this deal. And I hope you brought big bills. The kind that are hard to break.
Rhys: Uh uh, no, I know how this works. We see the merchandise first, then you see the money.
Vaughn: Yeah.
You made August show his first.
Rhys: Show him the money, Vaughn.
Vaughn: No problem. (tries to open it) Okay... Uh, sorry... all the passwords on this thing.
Sasha: What's the problem?
Rhys: It's not a problem. It's a security thing, just give him a second.
Rhys: Oh we got the money, don't worry.
Vaughn: Now where's the key?
Vaughn: We got it, alright, it's right here. (shows briefcase) So show us the key.
August grabs a case off the floor. Sasha's glare worries Vaughn. August sets his case on the table and opens it. The Vault Key glows a purple light.
August: You ever see anything so pretty in your miserable lives? This thing'll practically dance at your wedding. It's state of the art alien crap. I'd use it myself, but... you know... the monsters and all.
Rhys: It's goddamned gorgeous.
Rhys: How about 9 million?
Rhys: It's, ehhh... I mean, don't get me wrong, for a Vault Key it's fine... but you gotta remember, we're from Hyperion, mmkay? Soooo.....
Vaughn: It's better than I imagined.
August: Okay, so... the way I, ah, usually do these things is...
Sasha slams the case shut.
Sasha: Wait.
August: What?
Sasha: IIIIII... I just don't like it. I got a- I got a feeling.
August: What feeling?
Sasha: Look, you said when I started to get a feeling about something that I should tell you and that we should walk away, right?
August: What are you possibly feeling right now? We're almost done!
Sasha: I get intuitions about this stuff!
Rhys: Let's just, uh, wrap this up, alright? We saw it, we like it, what more is there to talk about?
Rhys: We're good here. Everyone relax. We just want to buy the key from August and go.
Rhys: Is she okay?
August: Intuitions? What are you, a Goddamned fortune teller?
Sasha angrily takes the Vault Key case off the table.
August: Sasha, what the hell are you--
Sasha walks backwards toward the fan behind her. August walks toward her.
Sasha: I just-- I just don't like it, they've had this... dumb attitude on their dumb faces since the moment they walked in!
August: What are you talking about!?
Sasha: They... he pretended to be Vasquez, August!
Sasha: And why... why wouldn't they show you the money? Huh? What's up with that?!
Sasha: He's been a giant dick this entire time!
Sasha: They've been all, "Oh, yes sir, and oh no, sir, and, oh, I have the money we agreed upon right here!"
Vaughn: Nothing you're saying is bad!
Sasha: Nobody does that! And especially Hyperion ore monkeys, who'd rather bomb a small village than talk things through.Sasha: I mean look at that guy. Look at his face.
August: What's wrong with his face?
Sasha: You can't trust a face like that. He's hiding something, August.
Rhys: Hey, Sasha? Sasha, listen to me. I'm asking you to please trust me on this one. I know you don't trust Hyperion.
Sasha: Yeah, ya think?
Rhys: Hey, Sasha? Sasha, listen to me. I know you don't trust Hyperion.
Sasha: Yeah, ya think?
Rhys: Hey, Sasha? Sasha, listen to me. You're making a big mistake... This money we're offering... is life changing.... and it's right here. I know you don't trust Hyperion.
Sasha: Yeah, ya think?
Vaughn: Listen, whatever you think about my face aside, we are not the bad guys. I know Hyperion is awful people, but we need that key, to get back at one of those awful people... So, pleeeeease... please trust us.
Sasha: So you're sayin' this key will get used to screw over some wretched Hyperion stooge?
Vaughn: That's exactly what we're saying.
Sasha: Alright, I'm sold.
Vaughn: Awesome. Let's do this.
August: Well... just... wait, just wait.
Sasha walks over to August.
Sasha: August, everything's fine now. (gives him the case)
August: I mean... I don't know, if you really think...
Sasha: No, no. It's okay. The feeling's gone, August. Let's do the deal.
August: I dunno, maybe today's not right for this. If things are weird. If you have a feeling about things...
Sasha: No, no no, I was wrong. We should definitely do it.
Rhys: The bad feeling is gone, August. She said so herself. We still got a deal here. THere's no problem, let's just-
Rhys: August, c'mon, I need that key! Promises were made and... and my bosses were expecting...
Rhys: August, Bubbe, c'mon now, a deal's a deal. We didn't come all the way down here just to...
Vaughn: August, what-- what are you doing? Let's just finish this deal so we can-
August: No, I'm-- I'm sorry guys, I was-- I thought I was gonna deal with Vasquez, and... now this, I just... I just think we should call it off until I think things are square. (starts to leave) Maybe another time, fellas.
Sasha follows August.
Sasha: Hon, we're here, we should just do this. Really.
August: Nah, I made up my mind.
They walk past Vaughn.
Vaughn: August, wait! Rhys! This is your department, do something!
It goes into slow motion as Rhys wonders what to do. It goes back to normal once the next choice is made.
Rhys: August.
August and Sasha stop moving and turn around.
Rhys: Actually, that's okay, you don't know it yet.
August: Know what?
Rhys: That this is it!
Dramatic patriotic music begins to play.
Rhys: You can't see that one day... maybe ten years from now, maybe ten months, maybe tomorrow... (walks behind August) you're gonna think back on right now and scream to the stars for mercy of death just so you'll not have to live in the wondering of what could have been. (puts his hands on August's shoulders)
August sits down and puts his face in his hands.
Rhys: "What if i had seized that chance by the throat, what if I had beaten my fears, taken what was so rightfully mine? What if... what if I had won?"
August begins to cry.
August: I am a winner, Rhys! I... Am... A... Winner!
Rhys: August. Can't let you leave with that, pal.
August and Sasha stop. August turns around.
August: Oh no? And what are you gonna do about it?
Rhys does nothing.
August: Yeah, that's what I thou-
Rhys plunges his hand straight through August's chest, clutching his heart.
August: GAHHHughhh...! (falls to the floor)
Rhys: Looks like he had... a change of heart.
Fiona: (narration) What a steaming load of skag crap.
Kidnapper's Hideout (Present)[]
It cuts back to the present (and back to reality, as this was not real.) Rhys is still getting dragged by the Masked Kidnapper into his hideout. Rhys sees con artist Fiona, who is sitting and is also tied up with tape inside the hideout.
Rhys: Well, well, look who decided to show her face. I was just about to get to my favorite part. You know, where you come in and you ruin my life you no class, scheming, Pandoran scum!
Fiona: Oh, nice haircut you lying Hyperion jackass.
Rhys: It is a nice haircut!
The Masked Kidnapper stops dragging Rhys.
Fiona: Oh, shut up! (starts kicking dirt in Rhys's face)
Rhys: Stop it, stop it! You're getting dirt in my eye!
Fiona: Well, that sucks, cause I'm trying to get it in your lying mouth!
FIONA Con artist [also you, too]
Rhys: Alright, alright! Mission accomplished! (spits) And I'm not lying, okay, I'm... embellishing. And how the hell would you know anyway? You weren't at the deal.
Fiona: Of course I was, ya dope. I can't believe you still haven't figured that out. I knew you were dense the moment I-
The Masked Kidnapper fires into the air to get them to stop arguing.
Masked Kidnapper: Your turn, Fiona. (clutches shotgun)
Fiona: My turn for what?
Masked Kidnapper: Tell me your side of the deal.
Fiona: You couldn't have asked me first? You kidnapped me hours ago.
Masked Kidnapper: I guess I could've.
Fiona: You guess? I've been baking in the sun with rakks dive bombing me for the last--
The Masked Kidnapper fires into the air again to silence Fiona.
Fiona: Yeah, okay... I get it... This fraud conveniently left out the most important part of the whole thing.
Rhys: Which is...? Oh, this oughta be good. Go on? I can't wait.
Fiona is now the playable character.
Fiona: It's, um, well... It's complicated.
Fiona is revealed to be hiding behind the giant fan. It shows Fiona reacting to the event as explosions and gunshots are heard offscreen.
Fiona: The Vault Key shattered.
Fiona is revealed to be hiding behind the giant fan.Fiona: That psycho... ganglord guy made his big stupid entrance.
Fiona: The Vault Hunter showed up.
Deal Room (Past)[]
Rhys and August are fighting over the Vault Key case.
Rhys: Let go! C'mon! I need... that...
August: It's mine, give it! Just-- what's your frickin' problem, man!
Fiona is revealed to be hiding behind the giant fan.
It shows Fiona reacting to an unseen event as explosions and gunshots are heard offscreen.
Rhys and August try to pull the case closer to themselves but accidentally open the case in the scuffle, causing it to fall onto the ground and shatter into pieces. Rhys bends down to it.
Rhys: Oh... uh...
Suddenly an explosion is heard and Rhys and August pause their fight. The psycho ganglord bursts in on a vehicle with other psychos.
Suddenly, two slashes are made by a sword on the poster behind Rhys and August. The vault hunter bursts in with his sword and flips toward them.
Kidnapper's Hideout (Present)[]
Rhys: Wait, wait, wait... how is that the most important thing? Did you forget the part about it all being your fault?!
Fiona: Oh come on, that was not my fault... not all of it. (to Masked Kidnapper) Are you making a face under there? I can't tell what you're thinking if
The Masked Kidnapper aims his shotgun at Fiona.
Fiona: Okay fine, but let me start at the beginning...
Hollow Point (Past, Night)[]
Fiona: (narration) I was born here... on Pandora... in a city cast in shadow known as Hollow Point... It's in a cave. Anyway, for a long time it was just me and my sister. Just a couple of kids stealing what we could to survive...
It cuts to inside of a caravan. It shows Fiona pacing back and forth while an old man is working on the fake Vault Key. It shows an old picture of him, Fiona, and Sasha labeled: "First big heist!!"
Fiona: (narration) until we met Felix... we tried to nab his wallet... Not only did he stop us... he showed us how to do it better. We've been working together ever since...
Fiona: This is taking too long... she's waiting.
Fiona: (narration) This latest scam was our biggest yet... the one that would set us up for life...
Masked Kidnapper: (narration) That sounds familiar.
Fiona: (narration) What can I say... a lot of these stories start out the same way...
Felix: Fiona? Relax. There's nothing to be nervous about.
FELIX Raised you (Into a Life of Crime)
Fiona smiles and walks over to Felix. He presses a button to make the Vault Key glow.
Felix: There.
Fiona: It looks good.
Felix: If August is a fence worth his cut, he'll be selling it to some Hyperion stooge... it should be good enough to fool one of them. Not too many people have seen a vault key, real or otherwise.
Fiona tries to touch the vault key, but Felix grabs her hand.
Felix: The paint may still be wet. Be sure not to let anyone touch it. There are only a couple spots to worry about... but it's best not to risk it. So have them keep their hands to themselves.
Fiona: It looks great, Felix.
Fiona: Do you think this will work?
Fiona: Keep them from touching it? How do you expect me to do that?
Fiona says nothing.
Fiona still looks worried.
Felix: Hey, you're a pro. (closes case) This is what you do. Your sister may have brought in the mark, but you're the one that'll close the deal by playing whatever role you need to, to get the job done. If she introduces you as a tiny psycho, you'll squat down and scream about poop trains. Okay? That first introduction is who you are. You two have to work together. I'll back you up if needed.
Fiona: (imitating Krieg) I have the shiniest meat bicycle!
Fiona: I'm pretty sure I can do this in my sleep.
Fiona: You can count on me, Felix.
Felix: Don't worry. I have faith in you.
Fiona puts her hands together.
Fiona: Showtime.
Felix: Fiona. When she gives you your role, you play it as best you can. The deal came together much faster than I'm comfortable with, but... it's worth the risk... so it's best to take precautions against the unforseen. (holds up pistol) The Purple Skag is not the type of place you walk into without a backup plan.
Fiona: So, you want me to shoot my way out? Might need a bigger gun.
Fiona: I'm not really a fan of guns.
Felix will remember that.
Fiona: What's that for?
Felix: I don't like them either. Guns can be a crutch. But you should take it anyway.
Felix: It's only for emergencies. (stands up)
Fiona: One bullet.
Felix helps stuff the pistol up Fiona's sleeve.
Felix: That's right... You'll always be able to talk your way out of more situations than you can shoot your way out of.
Fiona pushes the pistol up her sleeve. Felix picks up the case. Fiona tries to take the case but Felix briefly holds it away.
Felix: Wet paint.
Fiona takes the case.
Fiona: No touch. (walks out of the caravan)
Felix: (calls out) Emergency only.
Fiona: I got it. (closes the door)
BANK ACCOUNT $10
The sick man starts coughing.
Fiona opens the crate but tiny rakks fly out of it. It is otherwise empty.
Fiona sets the case down and tears down a wanted poster of herself.
Fiona looks at the incoherent graffiti.
Suddenly, a man covered by two midget psycho bursts out of a door and onto a pile of trash. The two midget psychos stab the man repeatedly.
Fiona: Alright, alright. Enough with the stabbing.
The psychos hiss at Fiona. Fiona hisses back at them, scaring them away.
Fiona: Piss off.
Dying Man: Muuuhhh...
Fiona spots some of his money is next to him.
Fiona looks down at his money.
Dying Man: Huuurgh!
Fiona picks the money up and gives it back to the dying man. He smiles at her through his pain.
Fiona picks up the dying man's money.
Dying Man: Muuuuh...muuuuh!
Fiona: Sorry, girl's gotta eat. (pockets money)
BANK ACCOUNT$110
As Fiona continues forward, a van zooms in front of her and crashes.
Fiona: Ouch.
Fiona: Great. Felix didn't mention anything about a bouncer.
Fiona either looks at the door, approaches the door, or tries to talk to the bouncer, but gets stopped by said bouncer.
Tector Hodunk: Sorry. No one's gettin' in here today, pretty lady. VIP's only.
TECTOR HODUNK Great at violence. Bad at everything else.
Tector Hodunk: Private function. There's the Fyrestone Tavern down the road. If you really need a drink, they'll take care of you.
(If you took the dying man's money.)
Fiona: Does a hundred bucks mean we can skip all this?
Tector Hodunk: Well sure... that works.
Fiona gives Tector $100.
BANK ACCOUNT$10
Fiona: Well, that's good, cause I'm a VIP.
Tector Hodunk: What? Really?
Fiona: Yup. So, if you could get the door for me... (tries to walk past him)
Tector blocks Fiona's path.
Tector Hodunk: Wait one second. I don't know, Miss. No offense, but you look pretty regular to me. VIP's are... fancy folk. Anyway, I should have a list here somewhere... (turns to see a wanted poster for Fiona) Wait a second... that's you there. Your face is on that paper with that writin' on it. What's that about, huh? (pulls out gun) What's them words say? And don't you lie... and go takin' advantage on me... just cause I ain't the strongest of readers.
Fiona: It says owner... as in, I own the bar.
Tector Hodunk: No... August owns this place... I know who I work for.
Fiona: We're business partners.
Fiona: That's the VIP list... and I'm on it. They probably put a picture to make it easier on you.
Tector Hodunk: That's a short list.
Fiona: I'm that important.
Fiona: (draws pistol) Just let me through and this doesn't have to get messy.
Tector will remember that.
Tector Hodunk: You're kiddin' right? That there gun's only got the one bullet.
Fiona: You've got a knack for numbers.
Tector Hodunk: If you can't read either, that's alright. I can get someone from inside to-
Fiona: Get out of my way. (tries to walk past him)
Tector blocks Fiona's path.
Tector Hodunk: Whoa. No... no. Lookit me and lookit you. Ya ain't just pushin' your way past me. No Ma'am. That's ain't gonna happen. (turns to see a wanted poster for Fiona) Wait a second... that's you there. Your face is on that paper with that writin' on it. What's that about, huh? (pulls out gun) What's them words say? And don't you lie... and go takin' advantage on me... just cause I ain't the strongest of readers.
Fiona: It says owner... as in, I own the bar.
Tector Hodunk: No... August owns this place... I know who I work for.
Fiona: We're business partners.
Fiona: That's the VIP list... and I'm on it. They probably put a picture to make it easier on you.
Tector Hodunk: That's a short list.
Fiona: I'm that important.
Fiona: (draws pistol) Just let me through and this doesn't have to get messy.
Tector will remember that.
Tector Hodunk: You're kiddin' right? That there gun's only got the one bullet.
Fiona: You've got a knack for numbers.
Tector Hodunk: If you can't read either, that's alright. I can get someone from inside to-
Fiona: Why do you care? I mean, does this really matter?
Tector Hodunk: Of course it matters, it's ma' job! I ain't lettin no one in there whats not supposed to be in there.
Fiona: ...yeah. (tries to walk past him)
Tector blocks Fiona's path.
Tector Hodunk: Whoa. No... no. Lookit me and lookit you. Ya ain't just pushin' your way past me. No Ma'am. That's ain't gonna happen. (turns to see a wanted poster for Fiona) Wait a second... that's you there. Your face is on that paper with that writin' on it. What's that about, huh? (pulls out gun) What's them words say? And don't you lie... and go takin' advantage on me... just cause I ain't the strongest of readers.
Fiona: It says owner... as in, I own the bar.
Tector Hodunk: No... August owns this place... I know who I work for.
Fiona: We're business partners.
Fiona: That's the VIP list... and I'm on it. They probably put a picture to make it easier on you.
Tector Hodunk: That's a short list.
Fiona: I'm that important.
Fiona: (draws pistol) Just let me through and this doesn't have to get messy.
Tector will remember that.
Tector Hodunk: You're kiddin' right? That there gun's only got the one bullet.
Fiona: You've got a knack for numbers.
Tector Hodunk: If you can't read either, that's alright. I can get someone from inside to-
Fiona stares at him.
Sasha bursts out of the entrance to the Purple Skag.
Sasha: Out of the way, Tector. She's the VIP we've been waiting for.
SASHA
Kid sister, partner in crime.
Tector Hodunk: Dang Sasha, why didn't you tell me she was with you. (to Fiona) So sorry, ma'am.
Sasha: Can't believe that worked.
Sasha suddenly aims her gun at Tector from behind.
Sasha: Hey Tector... can you count how many I got?
SASHA
Kid sister, partner in crime.
Tector Hodunk: Dang it, Sasha. I was tryin' to act tough. Why you gotta go and make me look bad.
Fiona: You're gonna look a lot worse with no head. (walks past him)
Tector Hodunk: Don't tell no one I let ya'll in!
Sasha: Pulling a gun? You couldn't talk your way past that dope?
Fiona tears down the poster.
Fiona enters the bar and doesn’t notice the poster.
Fiona takes one look back before entering.
The Purple Skag[]
Fiona and Sasha enter the bar. Sasha walks behind the counter.
Fiona looks at a balding man in a tank top drinking.
Fiona looks at a rapscallion drinking.
Fiona walks up to Sasha to talk to her.
Sasha: August is with someone else so we got a second. He has some... trust issues. He keeps asking about you so I'm just gonna tell you everything I told him. It's a lot.
Fiona: (sarcastically) Great.
Sasha: (wipes the counter) So here's the setup, you're Lidia Strauss. We're old friends. You're an archaeologist that stole the vault key from a dig site on Eden-6. But you're originally from Eden-5. You contacted me and we met at Pyro Pete's just after Mercenary's Day to talk about the deal, Then I set you up with August. You provide the key. August and I go make the deal, then we split the money 3 ways. The rest of it, you're just gonna have to improvise. Did you get all that? I told you. It's a lot, I know... but he just kept asking questions. You need to know all this, just in case.
Fiona: Uh... no. You need to slow down Sasha. You're talking a mile a minute.
Fiona: Yeah Sasha, I got it. This isn't my first rodeo.
Sasha: You get it? You don't get it? Just use your words.
August and Tommy enter the bar from the back door. August laughs.
August: Tommy, come on. How far do we go back?
Tommy: I've known your family a real long time, August.
August: That's right. Which is why this is all gonna work out. Now you say hi to the missus for me, okay?
Tommy: Will do, August... heh, buddy.
August: Tector!
Tector enters the bar from the front.
Tector Hodunk: Yeah, boss?
Tommy walks past Fiona.
August: Make sure Tommy gets home alright.
Tommy: Thanks again. (exits)
Tector turns expectantly to August. August nods and walks over to Sasha. Tector pulls out a gun and walks out the door. August kisses Sasha on the cheek.
Fiona: August?
Fiona: Ahem...
Fiona: I don't believe this.
Fiona says nothing.
Sasha: Hey, August this is-
August: Oh, hey. Sasha tells me you've got something really cool to show me.
Two gunshots and a shocking sound are heard outside.
August: It's... Lidia, right? Strauss? Sasha's told me a lot about you. She ensures me you can be trusted.
Fiona: That's me, Lidia Strauss.
August will remember that, Lidia.
Fiona: It's Livia actually. Livia Strauss.
August will remember that, Livia.
Fiona: It's Libia actually. Libia Strauss.
August will remember that, Libia.
August: Which is the only reason I'm willing to do a deal with someone I don't know.
Tommy suddenly bursts back into the bar, running for his life from Tector.
Tommy: No! No! Please!
Tector shoots Tommy in the back. He falls to the ground. A sleeping rapscallion puts his head up to see this for a moment before putting it back down. August walks up to Tommy.
Tommy: Please... please... August... please, I'll pay... I'll pay... I'll pay... I'll pay...
Tector gives August his gun.
August: You are.
He aims the gun at Tommy and shoots him in the head, splattering Fiona's cheek with blood.
Tector Hodunk: The little bastard had a Maliwan shield on. Shocked me real good. Sorry about the mess, boss. Won't happen again.
August: Well, that was exciting. (wipes blood off Fiona)
Tector grabs Tommy's corpse and drags him out the front door.
August: (to Sasha) Hon, bring us over a couple drinks then start moppin' up that blood. I don't wanna have to get the floors redone.
Felix enters the bar in a hurry, then backs out of Tector's way.
Sasha: Sure thing, babe. (bends down)
August: Let's get to business.
August walks over to a table. Fiona follows him but stops to see Felix.
Felix: (to Tector in a southern accent) Skip out on his tab?
Tector Hodunk: Yeah, somethin' like that. (exits)
Felix enters the Purple Skag. Fiona follows August.
Fiona: Your business deals always go like that?
August: He said he'd do something, then he didn't. I don't abide dishonest people.
Fiona: Nice... place you got here.
August will remember that.
Fiona: Sasha, make mine a double... whatever it is.
Sasha: Coming right up.
August: Hope the gunplay didn't set your nerves off.
Fiona: Nope... I just like to drink.
Fiona says nothing.
Fiona and August walk over to a table.
August: Have a seat.
They both sit across from each other.
August: So, how long have you been an archaeologist? Fascinating work. Getting out there in the dirt... uncovering priceless artifacts.
Fiona: Long enough... to find a vault key. (laughs)
Fiona: I just started actually.
August: Wow. What are the odds? Finding something as rare as a vault key so early into your career.
Fiona: Beginners luck I guess.
Fiona: I've been doing it a couple of years.
August: Must be tough... being away from friends... friends like Sasha.
Fiona: It can be tough, but it's rewarding work.
August: Okay... all business. I can respect that.
August: That's interesting. Hey, where'd you say you found this again? Refresh my memory. Sasha mentioned it was one of the Eden's. Which one was it exactly?
Fiona: What does it matter where I found it? It's here now.
August: I can see how you'd like to keep the details of how you acquired the key to yourself, what with all the pesky vault hunters crawling all over the place these days... but if we're gonna be partners...
Sasha arrives with the drinks.
Sasha: I already told him it was Eden-6. Don't worry, you can trust August. (leaves)
Fiona: I found it on Eden-5. At a dig site there.
Sasha and Felix look over at them.
August: Hmm... now that I think about it... pretty sure Sasha said you were from Eden-5... but you found the key on Eden-6. I mean... It's a minor detail... But I like to keep my details straight.
Fiona: Sasha can get a little confused, sometimes. She's a drinker, that' what I mean by, uh, that.
Sasha will remember that.
Sasha arrives with the drinks.
Fiona: Did I say Eden-5? Sorry, you're right. I meant Eden-6.
August will remember that.
Sasha arrives with the drinks.
Fiona: I think I know where I'm from, August.
August will remember that.
August: Do you?
Sasha arrives with the drinks.
Sasha arrives with the drinks.
Sasha: Yup. That's my fault, I must've gotten them mixed up. Sorry about that. (leaves)
Fiona: I found it on Eden-6. At a dig site there.
August: Right. Eden-6. Marcus is always talking about that place. Says it's really nice.
Fiona: It's nice when you find a vault key there.
August: It most certainly is.
Sasha arrives with the drinks.
August: Thanks, hon.
August: I can see how you'd like to keep the details of how you acquired the key to yourself, what with all the pesky vault hunters crawling all over the place these days... but if we're gonna be partners...
Sasha arrives with the drinks.
Sasha: I already told him it was Eden-6. Don't worry, you can trust August. (leaves)
August: Alright... let's have a look.
Fiona: Of course. (puts case on the table and opens it)
August: Whoa... it's pretty. (reaches out to touch it)
Fiona grabs August's hand.
That was a risky move...
August: You're grabbing my hand. Why... are you doing that?
Fiona: You see with your eyes, August.
Sasha walks over.
Fiona: It's radioactive.
August: What are you talking about?
Fiona: It's not yours yet, August.
Sasha walks over.
Fiona and August glare at each other. Sasha walks over.
Sasha: She's helping you out, August.
Fiona lets go of him.
August: How do you figure?
Sasha: You never heard of Eridium poisoning?
August: Can't say I have.
Sasha: Well, she's saving you from a couple of hours puking your guts out.
August rubs the key. Felix looks over in panic.
August: Wow... it's beautiful. (takes hand off) Sorry... I haven't touched anything this expensive before. (rubs paint on his cheek) Well, I'm sold. I'll call Vasquez and get this thing going.
August: (over ECHO) Ugh... Vasquez. It's August. Are you buyin' this Vault Key or what, 'cause I-- Wait do you have me on speaker? Seriously?
Felix is seen taking a drink.
August: No, look... I don't even know what obstinate means, man. What I know, is I gotta move this thing right now.
Felix looks at Fiona.
Fiona shakes her head. Felix looks at her before turning away.
Fiona nods confidently at Felix. Felix smiles at her before turning away.
Fiona nods Felix off. Felix shakes his head before turning away.
Felix looks away from Fiona.
August: (to Fiona) I know what obstinate means. These Hyperion guys get uncomfortable around people that sound too competent. They expect a nervous, small time Pandoran thug... so I give them what they want. (to Vasquez over ECHO) No, man. This thing is hot. I got offers so if you want it, you gotta get down here. No. We-We'll be there soon. That ain't good enough, buddy boy. I ain't that guy. I'm tryin' to do you a solid here. Don't go makin' things harder cause I'll walk.
Fiona: How well do you know this Vasquez guy?
August: (to Fiona) We've met a few times. He's a bit of a prick, but most Hyperion guys are.
Fiona: So, why don't we just steal the money from these Hyperion guys and keep the key?
August: (to Fiona) Vault hunting's a dangerous business. There aren't too many people interested in keys that are willing to pay. Better to get the quick money.
Fiona: Can we get more money out of them? It is a vault key.
August: (to Fiona) I tried already. Ten million is the most they could bring in cash. I'm not one for a paper trail.
August mimes to Fiona that Vasquez is talking too much, and she shakes her head.
August: (to Vasquez) Look. Let me make it crystal clear. I want ten million dollars. That's right. We'll be waiting for you. Yeah? You say "Hi" to your-- He hung up. (drinks from his glass)
Sasha walks over.
August: Alright. Sasha will hold the key, since it's clear you don't trust me alone with it. And seeing as I just had a guy killed in front of you... I'm not even offended. Bring your gun, babe. (walks away)
Sasha: Got it. (closes case)
Fiona: So, that's it?
August: (calling out) She'll let you know when it's done and where to get your money. Let's go.
August and Sasha leave with the case. Felix walks over to Fiona while drinking a beer.
Felix: We'll follow in the caravan. (leaves)
Fiona is about to drink from her glass, but instead sets it down hard on the table.
Deal Room (Day)[]
Sasha sets the case on the table. Shade give August a thumbs up.
Sasha: (over ECHO) We're in position.
It shows the caravan is parked just beyond the room.
Fiona: (inside caravan) Let us know when they arrive.
It cuts to inside the caravan. Felix is holding the ECHO communicator while Fiona is sitting back with her hat over her eyes.
August (ECHO): (to Sasha) I have to say... I was surprised when your friend grabbed my hand like that.
It cuts to inside the deal room.
Sasha: Oh. Yeah, sorry. She's... a little possessive.
It cuts to inside the caravan.
It cuts to inside the deal room.
Sasha: Hey, August. You-- you got a little something on your face... Come here, let me get that for you. (wipes paint off August's cheek)
It cuts to inside the caravan.
August (ECHO): Oh... thanks, Hon.
Fiona: What was I supposed to do?
Felix: I don't know. But grabbing the hand of a murderous psychopath would not have topped my list.
Fiona: Ugh. Now you tell me.
Felix: You were supposed to stop him.
Fiona: The look on your face when he smeared it on his cheek...
Fiona: It worked out...
Fiona: It worked out in the end.
Felix: This time... luckily.
Fiona: The look on your face when he smeared it on his cheek...
Fiona: Yeah... I blew it. I don't know what I was thinking.
Fiona: Yeah, I blew it...
Felix: Oh, don't worry... At least you didn't crack under pressure.
Fiona: The look on your face when he smeared it on his cheek... I was freaking out.
Fiona shakes her head.
Fiona smiles at Felix but he shakes his head.
It cuts to the deal room. Shade enters with Rhys and Vaughn.
Shade: Still is, actually, cause he's definitely not dead! But the place itself...
Sasha: (over ECHO) Alright, we're on.
August: (stands up) What happened? You get stuck in traffic?
It cuts back to the caravan.
Rhys (ECHO): Yeah, well, sorry we're late. Getting here was a little more complicated than we thought it'd be.
August (ECHO): Yeah, well... that's Pandora for you. If it ain't a friggin' bug stampede some jerk off is usin' you for rocket practice.
Rhys (ECHO): I figured you'd want to take the tour, maybe get here a little early.
August (ECHO): Early? Are you kidding me? You think I like being here, you think this is fun? Have you seen the bathroom yet? Every minute in this horror factory's like an hour.
Rhys (ECHO): Oh, well excuse me! I--I don't know if you heard the explosions outside, but you know, we had to mow down about a couple hundred bandits just so we could ring the Goddamned doorbell.
Fiona looks up from her hat and stares at Felix and shakes her head.
Shade (ECHO): Just in time for the Spring collection.
Vaughn (ECHO): Yeah, well, we almost died, so...
August (ECHO): (sarcastically) Oh. Forgive me your majesty. Didn't know you chipped a toe nail.
It cuts back to the deal room.
Shade: Alright, well... I'll just leave you to your business things, then. (leaves)
August: I'm August, but I figure you know that already. Is, uh... Is Vasquez comin'?
Sasha: (over ECHO) There are two guys here, but neither of them are Vasquez.
It cuts back to the caravan.
Felix: He may have sent some lackeys. Didn't want to get his hands dirty.
It cuts back to the deal room. Sasha notices that Rhys has an ECHO eye.
Sasha: (over ECHO) Oh, damnit. One of them has an ECHO-eye implant.
It cuts back to the caravan.
Sasha (ECHO): If he scans the key, he'll know it's a fake.
Fiona and Felix are shocked by this. Fiona walks down some steps.
Sasha (ECHO): They're still talking... but there's no way they're not going to scan it... unless they're complete morons.
Fiona: Felix, we need to disable it.
Fiona: I have to go in. She needs help.
Fiona: Felix, what do we do?
Fiona says nothing.
Felix stands up and rushes down the steps. He grabs a detonator.
Felix: There's a small EMP device in the chest over there! Grab it for me while I assemble a detonator!
Fiona rushes over to the chest and opens it. However, the entire thing is cluttered with different devices.
Fiona: What?!
Fiona: Ah, come on. How do you find anything in here?!
Felix: It's about palm-sized and has a small circuit board sticking out of it!
Fiona picks up the flimsy device.
Fiona: Is this it?
Felix walks over and points to a flimsy device.
Felix: It's this one here!
Fiona picks up the flimsy device.
Fiona: Is this it?
Felix walks over and points to a flimsy device.
Felix: It's this one here!
Fiona rushes over to Felix.
Felix: Here. (gives her detonator) This will generate a low-level electromagnetic pulse. That should be enough to scramble his system. (walks over to ECHO communicator) But you need it close to the key. (turns on ECHO)
August (ECHO): Okay, so, let's see the money.
Felix: (over ECHO) Sasha, on my signal, you need to get the case over to the vent behind you.
It cuts back to the deal room.
Sasha: (over ECHO) How the hell do I do that?
It cuts back to the caravan.
Felix: I don't know. Figure it out. (to Fiona) There's a ventilation shaft in the back that'll give you access. Once you're in, I'll talk you through. Stay in the shadows. The walls are paper thin.
Fiona nods.
Felix: Don't be seen. Don't be heard. Go! Hurry!
Fiona exits the caravan. She sneaks past the Oasis poster and catches a glimpse of Rhys and Vaughn.
Fiona: (over ECHO) I can see 'em. We don't have long. How do I get inside? (stands up)
Felix (ECHO): There should be an air duct that leads to the room they're in. Find it. That's where you'll take your position.
Fiona: Right. On it.
Fiona: Hm. Sturdy enough.
Fiona pulls down a portrait of Mad Moxxi and finds money.
Fiona picks up and pockets the money.
BANK ACCOUNT+$75
Fiona pulls down an Atlas poster and finds nothing.
Fiona opens up a loot locker and picks up some money inside.
Fiona: Don't mind if I do.
BANK ACCOUNT+$50
Fiona: (over ECHO) 'Kay, I found the vent.
Fiona tries to jump up to the vent but can't reach it.
Fiona pulls a Handsome Jack billboard out of the way, revealing the ventilation shaft. She pushes the tool chest to the shaft. She climbs on top of it.
Felix (ECHO): Are you in position?
Fiona: (over ECHO) I'm almost in the vent.
Felix (ECHO): Good. When you get to the end of the air duct, let me know. The EMP range is weak, so you and Sasha will have to work together to pull this off.
Fiona: (over ECHO) Got it. (pulls the vent off)
Suddenly, Shade pokes his head from the vent and startles Fiona.
Shade: Hi.
Fiona: Ah!
Shade: My deepest apologies, but we're actually closed. Also, this really isn't a door, but, uh...
Fiona: You scared the crap out of me!
Fiona covers his mouth.
Fiona: Shhh. How did you get in here?!
Shade: Hmmph, hmmph, hmmph, hmmph.
Fiona stops covering his mouth.
Shade: After those Hyperions were kind enough to express interest in my collection.
It cuts to inside the deal room.
August: Woah, what was that?
Sasha: I didn't hear anything.
Fiona: Keep it down!
Fiona smacks Shade.
Fiona: You scared the crap out of me!
Fiona: Get out of the way, asshole!
Shade: Where are my manners? Come in, come in. There's plenty of room.
Shade: I'm Shade! Pleasure to meet you. I know it's hard to trust. But I'm a people person.
Fiona: Uh... I'm Fiona.
Shade: Oh, delighted. Sometimes you wanna talk to someone not decomposing, know what I mean?
Fiona: What's wrong with you?
Fiona: Listen, my sister's in trouble. Let me through.
Shade: I always take care of my friends. Even after they're gone.
Fiona: Just get out of there. (climbs into vent) I need to get through. I gotta go.
Shade: We were having such a nice chat.
It cuts to the deal room.
August: You ever see anything so pretty in your miserable lives?
It cuts to the vent. Fiona is heading toward the fan.
Felix (ECHO): Fiona, are you in place yet?
Fiona: (over ECHO, whispers) Almost there.
Shade is following Fiona.
Shade: (whispers) So, where are we going?
Fiona: Sshh!! Go away.
Shade: (gasp) You're looking for that girl right? With the hair? I know the best spot to peek without getting caught. Let me come with you. (normal voice) It's been a long time since I had any friends. Back in Oasis, I-- I had lots of friends.
Fiona: Fine. Just stay quiet and make yourself useful.
Shade: You... you won't regret this!
You've got a new friend!
Fiona: No. Just go away.
Shade's used to rejection.
Shade: I get it. (turns around and walks away)
Fiona continues forward.
Shade: I get it. (turns around and walks away)
Fiona continues forward.
The argument is heard through the wall.
August: Sasha, what the hell are you--
Sasha: I just-- I just don't like it, they've had this... dumb attitude on their dumb faces since the moment they walked in!
August: What are you talking about!?
Sasha: They... he pretended to be Vasquez, August!
Sasha: And why... why wouldn't they show you the money? Huh? What's up with that?!
Sasha: He's been a giant dick this entire time!
Sasha: They've been all, "Oh, yes sir, and oh no, sir, and, oh, I have the money we agreed upon right here!"
Vaughn: Nothing you're saying is bad!
Sasha: Nobody does that! And especially Hyperion ore monkeys, who'd rather bomb a small village than talk things through.
Sasha is in front of the fan.
Sasha: I mean look at that guy. Look at his face.
Fiona: (over ECHO) 'Kay, I'm here.
August: What's wrong with his face?
Felix (ECHO): Good. Sasha is waiting near the end of the vent. Get the EMP onto the case.
Fiona walks up to the fan behind Sasha.
Sasha: You can't trust a face like that. He's hiding something, August.
Felix (ECHO): Fiona, now! Attach the EMP device to the case. Sasha can't stall them for much longer. Hurry!
Vaughn: Listen, whatever you think about my face aside, we are not the bad guys. I know Hyperion is awful people, but we need that key, to get back at one of those awful people... So, pleeeeease... please trust us.
Fiona sticks the EMP to the case.
Fiona: All right, it's ready.
Sasha: So you're sayin' this key will get used to screw over some wretched Hyperion stooge?
Vaughn: That's exactly what we're saying.
Sasha: Alright, I'm sold. (walks over to them)
Felix (ECHO): Good work, Fiona.
Shade: (whispers) Aren't we gonna join your friends?
Felix (ECHO): Dammit. We can't wait anymore. Give them the key.
Sasha: Alright, I'm sold.
Felix (ECHO): Fiona, what are you doing?
August: Well... just... wait, just wait.
Felix (ECHO): You just better hope for all of our sakes, that he doesn't think to scan that key.
Felix (ECHO): Dammit. We can't wait anymore. Give them the key.
Fiona rushes to the end of the vent behind Sasha.
Fiona and Shade rush to the end of the vent behind Sasha.
Sasha: Alright, I'm sold.
Felix (ECHO): Fiona, what are you doing?
August: Well... just... wait, just wait.
Felix (ECHO): Sasha, if you see him try to scan the key, give us a signal.
Sasha: August, everything's fine now. (gives him the case)
August: I mean... I don't know, if you really think...
Felix (ECHO): Fiona, when you hear the signal, activate the EMP.
Fiona: (over ECHO) Got it.August: Nah, I made up my mind.
They walk past Vaughn.
Vaughn: August, wait! Rhys! This is your department, do something!
Rhys: August.
August and Sasha stop and turn to Rhys.
August: What?
Rhys: (gets onto his knees) Come on, man. Pleeeeease?
Sasha: (to August) Dude. Ten million dollars.
Vaughn manages to uncuff and open the briefcase on the table, revealing the money.
August: You make a good point.
Rhys smiles and stands back up. Vaughn closes the case. August walks back over to Rhys with the vault key.
Sasha: (over ECHO) Okay, Fiona. He's about to scan it.
Rhys holds up the vault key.
Fiona pulls out the detonator.
Sasha: (over ECHO) Fiona, he's about to scan it! Fiona, activate it!
Fiona pushes the detonator. The EMP goes off. Unfortunately, since Rhys is holding the vault key with his robot hand, the EMP malfunctions his arm.
Rhys: Ahhh! (accidentally drop the vault key)
Fiona gasps.
Felix (ECHO): What's happening?
Fiona: (over ECHO) He dropped the key.
Felix (ECHO): He dropped it? What do you mean he dropped it?
Rhys gets his arm working again.
August: What the hell?
Felix (ECHO): Fiona, what are you doing?
Fiona looks worried as Rhys scans the key.
Rhys: It's a fake.
August: What?!
Rhys looks at August and drops the vault key on the floor, breaking it.
Fiona looks worried as Rhys scans the key.
Rhys: It's a fake.
August: What?!
Rhys looks at August and drops the vault key on the floor, breaking it.
Suddenly, several explosions are heard outside.
Vaughn: What's that sound?
Car driving and screeching tire sounds are heard. The billboard for Oasis is destroyed as a bandit truck drives right through it, driven by the psycho ganglord. Dubstep music plays.
BOSSANOVA Musician, motorcyclist, murderer.
Everyone dives out of the way of the car as it crashes to a halt.
Bossanova: BWAH HA HA HA HA HA!
Several psychos run into destroyed entrance of the deal room. Suddenly, Zer0 bursts into the room with his sword.
ZER0 A bigger number than you.
He strikes at a psycho as he lands on the ground.
Zer0: Now, Bossanova. / You know what I'm searching for. / Tell me where it is.
Bossanova: I got no idea what you're talking about, Vault Hunter.
Rhys and Vaughn are seen hiding. Vaughn spots the money briefcase on the ground.
Vaughn: Rhys! The money! Get the money!
Sasha, who is hiding across from them, also sees the money. She and Vaughn stand up and dive to be the first to get it, but Bossanova grabs it from off the ground.
Bossanova: Oooo! (holds it up) Looks like our lucky day, boys! Let's ride!
The bandit vehicle reverses abruptly and drives off. More psychos begin to pool in. Zer0 slices one in half.
Shade: Did these fellas come with you?
Fiona: Oh, shit.
Felix (ECHO): What the hell is going on?
Zer0 is seen killing more screaming psychos.
Fiona: (over ECHO) Just get in here, we need your help!
(If Fiona said "The Vault Hunter showed up.")
Fiona: (over ECHO) The deal's over. I can't imagine how this could get worse.
(If Fiona said "The Vault Key shattered.")
Fiona: (over ECHO) The key shattered. They know it's a fake.
(If Fiona said "The Psycho Ganglord barged in".)
(If Fiona said "It's... complicated...".)
Fiona: It's... complicated.
Fiona: (over ECHO) Okay, this is bad, but we can salvage it.
Felix will remember that.
Felix (ECHO): How?
Felix (ECHO): Fiona?
Felix (ECHO): Agh, for the love of... On my way.
Zer0 slices a psycho and kicks two others across the room near Rhys and Vaughn. Half of another psycho lands very close to them. They get up and start to run away. Sasha and August look at each other. Felix is seen at the entrance.
Felix: Come on, hurry. (throws a smoke grenade)
August coughs.
Sasha: Ooooooohhh... Sorry. (runs away)
August: (stands up) You!
He shoots at her but accidentally shoots a psycho.
Fiona: Sasha! (kicks at fan, to Shade) Help me push this thing down!
Shade nods and helps Fiona. August continues shooting.
August: You planned this whole thing! That's honestly really impressive!
Fiona and Shade push the fan down on August, causing him to accidentally shoot Felix in the shoulder.
Fiona: (rushes over) Are you okay?
Shade runs away.
August: You planned this whole thing!
Fiona tries to kick the fan down. Shade is seen entering the room and crouching toward a dead psycho.
Shade: Wake up, everybody! On your feet! We're gonna need everyone's help to clean up this mess!
A psycho is thrown above him. Sasha runs. August shoots at her but accidentally shoots Shade in the stomach. Fiona crawls from under the fan to enter the room.
Shade: Oh! Now I wish you'd let me come with you. (falls over and dies)
August gets back up and starts shooting at Fiona. He shoots a psycho in front of Fiona. She jumps off the psycho's back and turns and points her pistol at August.
Fiona puts her gun away and lands on the ground. She looks one last time before running away while August continues to shoot at her.
Fiona shoots August's gun away, infuriating him. Fiona runs away.
Caravan (Day)[]
Sasha and Felix are outside the caravan.
Sasha: (outside the caravan) We'll get that bandaged. Okay now, easy, easy!
Felix: Sasha! I'm fine!
Sasha, Felix, and Fiona enter the caravan.
Sasha: (outside caravan) I told you already, there's no way we could've expected that!
Felix: (outside caravan) Nothing gets through to you!
Sasha, Felix, and Fiona enter the caravan.
Felix: Oh, come on.
It is revealed that Rhys and Vaughn are inside trying to use the caravan.
Felix: Are you really trying to steal our caravan?!
Rhys: (turns to them) Now, now, now, hold on, it's-- it's not what it looks-- Okay, it is, but... I am really sorry, okay?
Sasha: (scoff) Give us one good reason we shouldn't shoot you and drag your bodies out that door.
A gunshot hits the caravan.
Rhys: There's one reason.
Fiona turns to see August with his gun.
August: Hey! (shoots) We're not done here! (shoots)
Felix: Fiona! The door! (shoves Rhys) Out of my way!
Fiona tries to close the door but August tries to force it open.
August: I don't like it when people lie to me! You should never, ever lie to me, Sasha!
Fiona: (forces the door shut) Just drive!
Felix: Where?!
Fiona: Away from here!
The group drives away in the caravan as August shoots at them. They are now on the open road.
Felix: I think we lost him.
Sasha: So, what do we do with them? (motions to Rhys and Vaughn)
Kidnapper's Hideout (Present)[]
Rhys and Fiona are tied up back to back.
Rhys: Yeah, Fiona, what did you do with them, huh? I mean, other than try to con us out of our money.
Fiona: You weren't even supposed to be there.
Rhys: Well, that didn't stop you, did it? At least the money was real.
Masked Kidnapper: All right, all right. I get it. You didn't trust each other.
Fiona: And as it turned out, we had good reason not to. I'll give Sasha this much: from the start, she knew not to trust them, while I just thought she was being paranoid.
Masked Kidnapper: Enough! What happened next?
Rhys: Yeah, yeah. Tell the nice man what you did to us next... you know, in our time of need. Tell him what you did then.
Fiona: We... calmly discussed the terms of a temporary alliance.
It cuts to the "past" with Vaughn and Sasha laughing with each other. Fiona and Rhys are sitting with each other with teacups in their hands.
Fiona: (in a posh voice) Ah, you are a delight. But on to business. I propose that we form an alliance for the return of the funds.
Rhys: Capital!
They clink cups and begin to drink with their pinkies extended. It suddenly cuts back to the present.
Rhys: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Really? Is that what you're going with? 'Cause, I remember it differently...
It cuts to the past with what really happened: with Sasha trying to throw Rhys screaming out of the moving caravan. Fiona is holding Vaughn at gunpoint.
Rhys: HHNNNNGGGAAAAAAH!
Sasha: We should just shoot them first!
Fiona: We tried to throw them out.
It cuts back to the past with Sasha trying to throw Rhys screaming out of the moving caravan. Fiona is holding Vaughn at gunpoint.
Rhys: HHNNNNGGGAAAAAAH!
Sasha: We should just shoot them first!
Fiona: Save the bullet. The fall will definitely kill them.
Time pauses.
Masked Kidnapper: (narration) Stop it with the embellishments. What really happened?
Rhys: (narration) No, actually that's exactly how it went down.
Fiona: (narration) Yeah. I was trying to kill him.
Caravan (Past)[]
Rhys: Wait! You don't want to do this!
Felix: He's just stalling. This is a waste of time.
Rhys is now the playable character.
Rhys: Okay, okay, you convinced me. We split the money... 60-40.
Sasha: Wrong answer!
Vaughn: W--wait, w--we can find the money!
Fiona: What?
Rhys: We are very important to Hyperion! They will avenge us!
Sasha: Bring it on!
Sasha will remember that.
Rhys: You'll be sorry!
Vaughn: W--wait, w--we can find the money!
Fiona: What?
Rhys: We can find the money!
Fiona: What?
Vaughn: W--wait, w--we can find the money!
Fiona: What?
Felix: Let him back in, Sasha.
Sasha lets Rhys back in the caravan.
Vaughn: Come on, Rhys. This is serious.
Fiona: Hey, we don't have all day here.
Rhys: I had it under control, Vaughn.
Rhys: Thanks, Vaughn.
Rhys: They didn't need to know that!
Vaughn: So can we just figure out a truce without throwing each other out of moving vehicles?
Rhys: Even if you get that case of money back, you won't be able to open it.
Vaughn: It has a top-of-the-line biometric lock. It's impossible to open without me and my passcodes.
Felix: Get the case into my hands, and I can open it.
Rhys: If you say so. But getting the case is the hard part.
Felix: All right, Hyperion. Prove it. Find the money.
Rhys: Yeah, no problem.
Rhys: Uh... just let me call some of my people.
Rhys: We'll get on this.
Rhys says nothing,
Vaughn: Oh, call Yvette!
Rhys: Yeah, Vaughn... I know.
Sasha: You want to call more Hyperion after us?
Felix: Calm down, Sasha. Let's see what they can do.
Rhys: Thank you.
Felix: And then kill them if they betray us.
Rhys looks back at the open door. He pulls Yvette up with his cybernetic arm.
Yvette: Rhys, what the hell is going on down there? You were supposed to do the deal then come right back. People are looking for you now.
Vaughn: Fine, don't say "hi."
Rhys: Don't worry about it. Just send down another Loader Bot, okay?
Rhys: Oh, we're fine, we're fine. Just... hit a minor setback in the plan.
Rhys: The deal fell apart, and we really need your help, Yvette.
Yvette: Did you call just to stare at me? Because I'm kind of busy here trying to take care of the enormous mess you created.
Yvette: Vasquez was already pissed enough about the car. That was before he got the call from this "August" guy. You two have been blacklisted up here, and it's only gonna get worse the more Vasquez keeps yelling.
Rhys: Unbelievable.
Vaughn: Can't you do anything?
Yvette: Not without implicating all three of us. I already had security asking me everything I know. You two are gonna need me to get back to Helios once you clean up this mess. You do know how to clean up this mess, right?
Rhys: Don't worry, we've got a plan.
Vaughn: We do?
Rhys: Come on. I just need access to the Hyperion network.
Rhys: Can't you just get on the network and track the money?
Yvette: Look, Rhys. I wish I could help. But my login ID is being monitored. You have to find somebody else... there's only so much I can do.
Yvette: I shouldn't be talking to you this long; they'll trace the signal.
Rhys: Don't worry, I'm sure I can come up with something.
Rhys: All right. And, hey, be careful up there, Yvette.
Rhys: (sarcastically) Fantastic. Thanks for nothing, Yvette.
Yvette: I've got to go, Rhys. You're gonna have to fix this one yourself.
Rhys hangs up and puts his arm down.
Vaughn: How are we supposed to get an ID from another employee? We're not allowed to talk to other employees!
Felix: So you've got nothing.
Sasha: (tries pushing Rhys out again) Out you go!
Vaughn: Hang on, hang on! Can't you, I don't know, install someone else's credentials? I think we're the only two Hyperion guys left on the planet.
Rhys: I still have Nakayama's ID drive! Creepy black-ops projects like that have to be higher security clearance than us.
Rhys: We'll have to improvise!
Rhys: I'm open to ideas here!
Rhys says nothing.
Vaughn: Rhys, what about Professor Nakayama? I mean, Hyperion probably doesn't even realize he's dead. I bet his ID is still valid!
Fiona: Look. Just give up the act, Hyperion. You're just trying to stall us, and we're not buying it.
Rhys: What? No. With this, I'm going to be able to take us straight to the money.
Sasha lets Rhys back in. He falls to the floor and gets back up. He pulls out the Nakayama ID drive and puts it up to his head.
Rhys: You might want to hang on to something. Wait until you get a load of this.
Rhys: You can keep wandering around the desert, or you can look at me, and learn how it's done.
Rhys: I hope this works.
Fiona: ...well?
Rhys sticks the drive into the port in his head. It electrocutes him.
Rhys: Gagghghghhhghghghhghghh! (passes out)
It cuts to black. An unknown voice begins to speak to Rhys.
Unknown Voice: I'm very disappointed in you. Did you think you could follow in my footsteps? You are nothing more than a pitiful little code monkey. All swagger, no substance.
Rhys finally wakes up. The caravan has stopped and is empty of other people.
Rhys: Aggghhh... (sits up)
Rhys pulls up the GPS on his cybernetic arm.
Rhys: ...I guess Vaughn got the tracker working...
Rhys puts his arm down and takes the ID drive out of his head.
Rhys: (stands up) Vaughn? Where'd everybody go?
Rhys looks at the photo on the mirror of a young Fiona, Sasha, and Felix labeled "First big heist!!"
ANALYSIS COMPLETEbe for less on Hyperion Insta-Film.
Photograph
Chem. Analysis:
-Printed on instant film
-Decoy indicates picture was taken
approx. 15y ago*
*Picture taken on inferior Dahl
photo stock. Level of decoy would
Rhys: (flirtatiously) Nice to meet you, Miss Moxxi. Not too shabby, in that crazy Pandora kind of way.
Rhys: Cast iron steel. Impressive... for con artists.
Rhys: (bends down) Who know what kinda skeletons that old man's keeping in here. Hm. (stands up)
ANALYSIS COMPLETEto the Visual Spectrum.
Homemade Privacy Shield
Capacity: 1058
Recharge Rate: 102
Recharge Delay: 1.29
Although ineffective against
elemental or standard attacks,
Dressing Screen grants full immunity
ANALYSIS COMPLETEwanderlust-stricken Pandorans.
Travel Poster
"Visit Beautiful Dionysus"
Printed By: Dionysus Board of
Tourism
A common poster on the bedroom
walls of would-be poets and
songwriters. "Beautiful Dionysus" is
an aspirational location for many
ANALYSIS COMPLETEGuide for the Layman Pioneer")
Jacket
Manufacturer: Local manufacturer?
Analysis inconclusive.
Outfit Composition:
-72% Rakk Leather
-22% Maliwan Plasteel
-06% Duct Tape
Outfit Analysis: Meh. (See:
"Pandoran Frontierism & Fashion! A
ANALYSIS COMPLETEdecided that they don't like it.
Hollowpoint Radio
Frequency: (Unknown)
Host: (Unknown)
Purpose: Anti-Hyperion
propaganda?
Hyperion has been unable to identify
any solid information about "Hollow
Point Radio," but management has
Rhys opens the door and exits the caravan. It is night time now. He sees the rest of the group looking over a cliff.
ANALYSIS COMPLETEeven dream of commiting a crime.
Felix
Age: (DATA NOT FOUND)
Hometown: (DATA NOT FOUND)
Occupation: =~-Upstanding Citizen
Current Status: Elevated Heartrate
Felix has a long h1st0ry
Of-~-~-being an upstanding citizen
and friend to all who would never
ANALYSIS COMPLETEsubject in her own right.
Sasha
Age: 24
Hometown: Hollow Point
Occupation: None/"Con Artist"
Current Status: Trigger-happy
Although her rap sheet isn't as long
as her older sister's, this Pandoran
is still a slippery and dangerous
ANALYSIS COMPLETEwith caution.
Fiona
Age: 29
Hometown: Hollow Point
Occupation: None/"Con Artist"
Current Status: Eager
This Pandoran is wanted for
multiple counts of scamming,
conning, forgery, and theft. Treat
ANALYSIS COMPLETECurrent Status: Dreading Everything
Vaughn
Age: 27
Hyperion Employee ID: RM-9452
Occupation: Accountant
Favorite Color: Goldenrod
Favorite Book: "Mind the GAAP:
Generally Accepted Accounting
Principles and You!"
Rhys walks up to them to see what they are looking at: lots of bandits and psychos on motorcycles driving in and out of an old Atlas warehouse.
Rhys: Uhh... What happened?
Fiona: (sarcastically) We were still waiting to get a load of that. You know, when you said, "Get a load of this," we assumed you were talking about the drool that pooled around your face when you were unconscious.
Fiona: (sarcastically) We got tired of looking and learning, so we decided to wander around the desert. And we looked and learned that you drool all over the floor while you're unconscious.
Fiona: (sarcastically) I don't know if passing out and drooling is what you meant by "hope this works," but if it was... congratulations!
Fiona: (sarcastically) Watching you take a nap just totally blew our minds.
Vaughn: I tracked the money while you were... out.
Felix: Quiet. This place is crawling with bandits.
Fiona walks over to Felix and Sasha.
Vaughn: You okay, Rhys? You totally whacked your head... right after you plugged in... It made this gross sound. Like, a thud but... wet.
Rhys: Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine now.
Vaughn: What happened back there?
Rhys: No idea, just blacked out. (points to head)
Rhys: (sarcastically) Oh, apart from waking up completely alone in a crappy trailer with drool coming out of my mouth, I'm great. Thanks for the concern.
Vaughn: What happened back there?
Rhys: No idea, just blacked out. (points to head)
Rhys: See, I told you I'd find the money.
Vaughn: Rhys? Rhys? We can do a diagnostic on your... stuff when we get back to Helios. I just need you to keep it together until we can get our money back, okay?
Rhys and Vaughn join the others and looking down from the cliff.
Rhys: (bends down) So the case is in there?
Felix: Somewhere.
Sasha: Wow, what is that place?
Vaughn: Looks like some kind of abandoned Atlas warehouse.
Felix: Doesn't look abandoned to me.
Fiona: Looks more like every bandit on this side of the planet has shown up.
Sasha: (to Rhys) How about it, Mr. Roboto? Do you see any way to get inside?
Vaughn: Rhys, if that's Atlas tech, you should be able to scan it.
ANALYSIS COMPLETElike this one. Lousy litterbugs.
Mining Crane
Manufacturer: Atlas: Cranes, Trains,
& Automobiles Division
Model: Hades Excavation Arm
Extended Warranty: No
When Atlas abandoned their efforts
on Pandora, they left behind
hundreds of mining rigs and cranes
ANALYSIS COMPLETEsomething. Probably murder.
The Local Color
Status: Agitated
Hygiene: None
Armed: Very
A diverse range of lunatics,
murderers, psychopaths, yahoos,
hooligans, roughnecks, madmen, and
ne'er-do-wells, all excited about
ANALYSIS COMPLETEto say, "Hi, world! I'm gonna kill you!"
Seats: 4
Pros: Durable, deadly
Cons: Limited agility
Weaponry:
-Front-Mounted Machine Gun
-Modulator Turret Mount
One of Pandora's most popular
vehicles, the technical is a great way
Rhys looks over near the right. The three bandits standing near all get shot and killed. Rhys looks to the left to see Zer0 on a nearby cliff. Zer0 jumps down to a lower cliff.
Rhys: It's that Vault Hunter. (closes ECHO eye)
Vaughn: (sarcastically) Oh, perfect. As soon as a Vault Hunter finds a case with millions of dollars in it, it's as good as gone. You know how they are! They're worst than bandits.
Sasha: Can't we just go in the same way the Vault Hunter did?
Fiona: We're not Vault Hunters, Sasha.
Rhys: Settle down. I got this. (opens ECHO eye)
Zer0 is seen entering the Atlas warehouse by running through the main entrance. Rhys turns to see a grate nearby. His tech suddenly glitches a bit.
Rhys: ...Oookay?
Sasha: Something wrong?
Rhys: No, it's... fine. (scans the electronic access hatch) Ooh, that hatch goes down underneath the building... but... it's... guarded. (closes ECHO eye)
Felix: Okay, so you found a way in. (stands up) Now remember to get in and out of there quickly. We've already taken too many risks today.
Fiona: You're not coming along?
Felix: Somebody needs to stay and protect the getaway car. I'll be waiting for your signal. (starts to leave but turns back) And Fiona, Sasha, be prepared, don't trust anyone. (walks away)
Fiona and Sasha turn back to the cliff.
Sasha: (to Rhys) We've got a way in, but how are we gonna get down there? Have you forgotten about the bandit parade going by?
Rhys: Oh, that's the easy part.
Rhys's plan begins to play out.
Rhys: (voiceover) First, we find a crafty hiding spot...
Rhys spots a rock.
The gang jumps down behind the rock. In front of the rock is a psycho.
Rhys: (voiceover) Then we make ourselves a new friend.
Rhys grabs the psycho and pulls him behind the rock.
Rhys: (voiceover) Fiona and Sasha find cover in order to sneak closer.
Fiona and Sasha roll under and past a moving truck. They stand up behind a post. Fiona looks at the two bandit guards. Rhys and Vaughn walk over to the guards with the dead psycho.
Rhys: (voiceover) ...while we casually take our new pal for a stroll.
Rhys makes the dead psycho pretend to wave. The two guards walk over to them.
Rhys: (voiceover) Then we borrow a gun from one of the guards...
Sasha takes the left guard's gun.
Rhys: (voiceover) Making sure that his buddy doesn't feel left out.
Fiona snaps the other guard's neck. Fiona gives a signal.
Rhys: (voiceover) Then we take the secret entrance...
Rhys opens the hatch.
Rhys: (voiceover) ...which leads us to the briefcase...
Rhys pulls out the briefcase. The others jump in success. Rhys smiles cockily.
Rhys: ...where we take a moment to celebrate our swift and easy victory!
Rhys's plan stops.
Rhys's plan stops.
Rhys's plan stops.
Rhys's plan stops.
Rhys's plan stops.
Rhys's plan stops.
Rhys's plan stops.
Rhys's plan stops.
Rhys's plan stops.
Rhys notices that the others had left.
Rhys: Guys?
The others have already made it to the hatch.
Rhys: Damnit.
It cuts to him walking up to the others.
Fiona: We found another way down.
Rhys walks over and looks down into the open hatch.
Fiona: After you.
Rhys begins to climb down the hatch.
Rhys: My way would have worked...
Rhys: I'm just gonna assume you just did everything I was saying so... you know... good work!
Rhys: Ya know, I'm getting kind of tired of getting left behind... so, ya know... stop.
Rhys says nothing.
Rhys climbs completely down the hatch. Sasha climbs down after him. Suddenly, the hatch closes.
Atlas Warehouse (Underground)[]
Rhys and Sasha are in complete darkness.
Sasha: Fiona? Ow! What the hell are you doing?
Rhys: I got this. Okay? Just give me a second. (uses cybernetic arm to create light source)
Sasha: Fiona! Fiona!? Open up, please. It's pitch black in here. Fiona!
Rhys: (calling out) Hey, Vaughn! Open up, buddy! Hello!?
Rhys: (calling out) Ha ha, you are hilarious, now open the damn hatch!
Rhys: Would you chill out?
Rhys says nothing.
Rhys shakes his head. Sasha signals Rhys to start climbing down.
Sasha: You were hoping this would happen! You wanted to separate us so you could pick us off! Ugh... Hyperions.
Rhys puts his cybernetic arm away and starts climbing down. Sasha follows.
Sasha: I can't believe I trusted someone from Hyperion.
Rhys drops down from the ladder.
Sasha: We should never have let you come with us. (drops from ladder)
Rhys: Keep moving.
Sasha: You're not running the show.
Rhys: If you've got a better idea th--
Sasha aims her gun at Rhys.
Rhys: Fine. What would you like to do?
Rhys: We've got to focus on getting the money back.
Sasha: Of course... the money... that's all that matters to you suits.
Rhys: It was money we brought to you... remember? Fake Vault Key?
Sasha: You just tried to steal our van! (aims gun at Rhys)
Rhys: See? You're just lashing out now.
Rhys: Hey, if we wanted you dead, we would've done it by now.
Sasha: I'm sorry, what was that? (aims gun at Rhys)
Rhys: Whoa whoa whoa, it's just a... just a saying...
Sasha: "Oh, I can murder you whenever I want." That's basically what you're saying, right?
Sasha: Well, we have to find a way out. Let's go.
Rhys moves forward. Sasha follows behind with her gun aimed at him.
Sasha: Walk in front of me.
Rhys moves forward while trying to use his ECHO communicator.
Rhys: (over ECHO) Vaughn, do you copy? Come in, Vaughn. Damnit. (pulls up GPS on robot arm) The money's on the move, but it's close. (puts arm back down) We have to hurry.
They keep moving. Suddenly, Rhys hears a noise and turns around. He sees a crate on a monorail heading right toward them.
Rhys and Sasha move to the right to avoid the crate.
The crate plows right over Rhys and knocks him down.
The crate moves into a large room labeled "9A: GORTYS PROTOTYPE CALIBRATION". Rhys and Sasha crouch above them. A bandit, holding the money briefcase, presses a key on a keyboard. He walks onto a platform with three other bandits. The platform begins to rise.
Sasha: (whispers) They have the money.
Rhys: (whispers) Just shoot them. You have a gun. That's what they're there for, right? You got no problem pointing it at me, and you can't take out a couple guards?
Sasha: (condescending) Uh, guns make noise. Noise attracts more guards. If we do it quiet, then we won't have all the bang band sounds that mak --
Rhys: Wait...
Sasha aims her gun at them. Rhys sees a guard coming near them.
Rhys: (whispers) Wait wait, no no no, stop, stop.
Sasha: I've got a shot.
Rhys: No... it's too late.
Sasha: It's not, I--
Sasha aims her gun at them. Rhys sees a guard coming near them.
Rhys: (whispers) Wait wait, no no no, stop, stop.
Sasha: I've got a shot.
Rhys: No... it's too late.
Sasha: It's not, I--
The platform stops when it has made it past the ceiling.
Sasha: Crap.
Rhys: We have to get to that lift.
Sasha: Yup, easy. I'll take the one on the left. You get the one on the right. Oh, do you think you can handle that? I know you Hyperion guys don't like getting your hands dirty. They probably didn't teach you this kind of stuff in finishing school.
Rhys: Oh, I'm not worried about me. 'Cause I took out a dozen bandits earlier today. Are you sure you can handle it?
Sasha: Um, are you serious?
Rhys: I don't know, you talk a big game, but I haven't seen you in action.
Sasha: You just make sure you don't scuff your nice little shoes, okay, Hyperion boy?
Rhys: They're skag skin.
Rhys: Uh, pfft, yeah. No problem.
Sasha: You're sounding pretty confident.
Rhys: Look, I took out a dozen bandits earlier today.
Sasha: Wow. So you're saying one won't be an issue.
Rhys: That's what I'm saying. Yeah.
Sasha: Good.
Rhys: I got this.
Sasha: Do you even know what you're doing?
Sasha: Okay... just do your best.
Sasha: Come on.
Rhys jumps down and gets on the right catwalk, while Sasha walks onto the left catwalk. Rhys begins to sneak over to the bandit. As he does so, he watches Sasha sneak up to her bandit and crush his windpipe.
Rhys gives a "meh" sign with his hand. Sasha nudges to his bandit.
Rhys gives Sasha a thumbs up. Sasha gives a bow.
Rhys gives a thumbs down. Sasha nudges to his bandit.
Rhys does nothing. Sasha nudges to his bandit.
Rhys jumps onto his bandit's back and tries to strangle him. Unfortunately, the other bandit doesn't take him seriously.
Bandit: Oh, Eric? Aw, is that you? Wait wait wait, what is this? Is this real or is this-- is this a joke?
Rhys: (normal voice) Oh, this is real real!
Bandit: Wait, wait wait wait, that's not Eric!
Rhys: No, it's not Eric! It's your-- doom! Stop squirming!
Sasha: (calling out) You need some help over there? It looks like you're struggling a bit. I already took out mine, so... I'm not really doing anything.
Rhys: Hey, relax!
Bandit: Nah, nah nah, don't help him! Come on, let him do it himself! If he can!
Rhys: Shut up!
Rhys: I got it!
Sasha: That's not what it looks like from here.
Bandit: Nope, no he doesn't! He does not got it!
Rhys: Shut up!
Rhys: Uh, a little help?
Bandit: Nah, nah nah, don't help him! Come on, let him do it himself! If he can!
Rhys: Shut up!
Rhys says nothing.
The bandit bangs Rhys into a wall to get him off his back. His stun baton falls onto the ground and the bandit picks it up. Rhy puts his hands up.
Bandit: Ah ha ha! Nah, I got ya. Get back man.
Sasha: (sarcastically) Wow, nicely done.
Rhys: I don't need that right now!
The bandit looks at the stun baton confused.
Bandit: Uh, how, uh... How-- how does this thing work? Do you, uh, do you like... Hmm.
Rhys: Let me, just, get that for you. (pushes button)
Bandit: Oh, duh. That's like the one button on th-- (presses the button)
Since the baton was aimed at himself, the bandit gets pushed back as the baton flies in the air.
Rhys catches the stun baton.
The baton falls to the floor. Rhys picks it up.
Rhys: (turns to Sasha) Oh, come on. You cannot tell me that wasn't cool.
Sasha rolls her eyes.
Sasha gives Rhys a thumbs up.
Sasha: You are not cool. Hyperion tech is cool.
Sasha: We need to get the lift working.
Rhys: (puts baton away and looks around) Huh... this is all old Atlas tech.
Sasha climbs down to the bottom floor and walks over to a computer. She tries to type on the keyboard to activate the lift but it fails.
Sasha: Damnit! It's locked!
Rhys climbs down to her.
Sasha: It needs a password. (starts banging on the computer) Stupid piece of--
Rhys: (stops her) Hey! Would you stop that!
Sasha puts her fist up to Rhys, making him recoil in fear.
Rhys: I can hack it.
Sasha: Then do it.
Rhys sighs.
Rhys begins to punch the computer.
Sasha: Hey! I thought you said--
Rhys: (stops) I'm joking. Relax.
Sasha: That's not funny.
Rhys begins to hack the computer.
Rhys: Just a little end around here... Get this to line up with...
Rhys notices Sasha pointing a gun at him.
Rhys: Oh come on, really? I thought we were past this.
Sasha: "Past this"? Do you even know what Hyperion means to us on Pandora? The havoc they caused here? The pain? It doesn't matter what you do up there... you contributed.
Rhys: (sarcastically) Yes. I get it. We're the worst. So... can you lay off for a bit?
Sasha will remember that.
Rhys: It's crazy up there, too. Things actually aren't so great at Hyperion right now...
Sasha will remember that.
Rhys: Hyperion brings order.
Sasha will remember that.
Sasha: Order, my ass. You're a bunch of murderers.
Rhys: Think what you want. Me? I'd rather play for the winning team.
Rhys says nothing.
Sasha will remember that.
A beep comes from the computer.
Sasha: Um, what the hell was that?
Rhys: It's one of the power systems starting up. (continues hacking)
Sasha: (walks over to Rhys) How is it up there, anyway?
Rhys: Where?
Sasha: Up on that base you're all in. What's it called?
Rhys: Helios.
Sasha: Right. Helios. I mean, what's it like being an emotionless cog spinning away, day after day, for the most blood thirsty, brutal, soul-crushing, love defying corporation in the whole wide universe? Is it fun? Is it something you like? I'm just curious...
Rhys: (stops hacking) Look, when I was ten years old, I started a club with my friends just so I had an excuse to print business cards. All I've ever wanted to do was to run a company, and Hyperion's the biggest company there is, so... Yeah.
Sasha: Well, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Rhys: I'm trying to open up here.
Sasha: Stay closed if the story involves tiny business cards.
Rhys: (stops hacking) Look, it's not that easy. Okay? Everyone's more than happy to climb the corporate ladder even if it means using your face for a rung.
Sasha: Ugh... sounds awful.
Rhys: (stops hacking) Listen, it's one thing to be sick of being number two, but I've been number five hundred and fifty six for what feels like... forever, so... I have to make it. I have to make this work, and... I have to get to the top of the Hyperion food chain, or I'll have wasted basically my entire life.
Sasha: Well, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Rhys: I'm trying to open up here.
Sasha: Uhh... News flash. You did. You wasted your life working for assholes.
Sasha: Fine, forget it.
Rhys continues hacking. Sasha notices Rhys's stun baton next to the keyboard.
Rhys: Can I help you?
Sasha: Your stun baton... It's the JR4000. Can I... Can I see it? Hold it, I guess I should say. What if I say please? Would that make it easier for you? 'Cause I'm not saying please. (sigh) Even though I've technically said it twice now.
Rhys: Do you promise to give it back?
Sasha: Yes.
Rhys: (holds up pinky) Pinky promise?
Sasha: Yes...
Sasha won't forget this.
They pinkie promise.
Rhys: Don't hurt yourself. (gives her the stun baton)
Sasha activates the stun baton and waves it around. She runs over to a bandit corpse and begins poking it with the stun baton.
Sasha: Man... You, you might work for the worst corporation in the universe... but they do make some cool stuff.
Rhys: I feel like that's the case with most corporations.
Sasha walks back over to Rhys and deactivates the stun baton.
Sasha: Thanks.
Rhys: Ooh look at us, we're like best friends now.
Rhys: Absolutely. (gives her the stun baton) Don't hurt yourself.
Sasha won't forget this.
Sasha activates the stun baton and waves it around. She runs over to a bandit corpse and begins poking it with the stun baton.
Sasha: Man... You, you might work for the worst corporation in the universe... but they do make some cool stuff.
Rhys: I feel like that's the case with most corporations.
Sasha walks back over to Rhys and deactivates the stun baton.
Sasha: Thanks.
Rhys: Ooh look at us, we're like best friends now.
Rhys: No.
Sasha: What?
Rhys: I said no.
Sasha: Who says I can't just take it from you? (aims gun at Rhys)
Rhys: Look, you asked, and I said no. Anything you're compelled to do after that is on you.
Sasha won't forget this.
Sasha: Okay... I see how it is.
Rhys continues hacking.
Rhys: And... we are... in.
The computer beeps.
Automated Voice: Password Override. System online.
Rhys: That's what I'm talking about.
Sasha: Okay... I'm impressed. I suppose you're not completely useless after all.
Rhys: That's a relief.
Rhys: Aw, shucks. You mean it?
Rhys: I really appreciate that.
Rhys says nothing.
Sasha: (smiling) Yeah, get the lift moving.
Rhys: I got in, but it didn't give me the right clearances so I'm gonna need a second. (pulls up GPS on cybernetic arm)
Sasha hears a strange barking sound coming from one of the cages.
Sasha: Well... hurry up.
Rhys's tabs are completely scrambled.
Rhys: What the hell? Damnit, now now!
Rhys chooses one, causing the cages to drop down to them and open, releasing several skags. One of them roars.
Sasha: Rhys?!
Rhys: I can't read the buttons! They're all... glitched out! Just, uh... I don't know, stay out of their way!
Sasha begins to shoot at the skags.
Sasha: (sarcastically) Oh, great. (continues firing) I hate skags. They look starving! Can't you do that any faster?
Rhys chooses another option. Music begins to play from unseen speakers.
Sasha: (sarcastically) Oh, good. At least now when we die it'll have a nice soundtrack.
Rhys: Hang on, hang on, I've almost got it.
Unknown Voice: Do you champ? Do you almost got it?
Rhys: (shakes head) Yeah, I do.
Sasha: Do what?
Rhys: Uh, nothing... Just, gimme a sec.
Sasha: That's not making things better!
Rhys: I know.
Rhys chooses the last tab which activates the lift.
Rhys: Yes!
They get on the lift. Sasha continues shooting at the skags.
Unknown Voice: Look at you... a real winner.
The lift begins to rise. Rhys notices a skag on a catwalk heading toward them. He nudges Sasha. She tries to fire at it, but she is out of bullets. The skag jumps at them and Rhys and Sasha duck in fear.
Rhys: Gaah! Aaargh!
The skag suddenly stops in the air, having been stabbed by an invisible sword. Rhys and Sasha look up and Zer0 appears. He removes his sword from the skag and turns to Rhys and Sasha.
Zer0: Could you let me know / if you see a Gortys core / I really need it.
Rhys: (bashfully) You're... you're really cool... I just... I wanted you to know that.
Rhys: Sure... Yeah. We'll uh, we'll let you know.
Rhys: I don't know... what's it worth to you?
Sasha: Will you shut your mouth. Yes. Of course we will let you know.
Rhys says nothing.
Rhys pulls up his GPS on his cybernetic arm. They all look up as the lift makes it to the surface and the screen goes white.
Atlas Warehouse (Above Ground)[]
It shows Rhys and Sasha climbing down the hatch again. A bandit with a gun suddenly walks up to Fiona and Vaughn. Fiona is now the playable character.
Mask Vendor: Hey! Get away from that!
Fiona slams the hatch shut. The Mask Vendor stares at them.
Mask Vendor: An odd pair... we got Glasses Face and Hat Lady. You guys really know how to accessorize. What are you two doing here?
Vaughn: Oh, hey... uhm... Huh, this is a funny story actually... So we're her-- uh, we're here for... What was the question?
Fiona: To be honest, we're lost.
Mask Vendor: Yeah, I figured as much. You got that look.
Fiona: I was actually hoping to find a bathroom before my idiot friend wets himself.
Vaughn: (laughs) Gotta go! (covers crotch and fidgets as if he has to pee)
Mask Vendor: Well, this is where we prep the drivers' cars... but hey, when you gotta go, you go. We're outside, man. Just pick a spot. No one cares.
Fiona: What are you doing here is more like it?
Mask Vendor: Okay... uh, you're not really supposed to answer a question with a question... I already know what I'm doing here.
Fiona: Really? And what would that be?
Mask Vendor: Wow. Okay. That's aggressive. Sorta caught me off guard... uh...
Fiona: Don't be shy.
Mask Vendor: I... I prep the cars for the drivers.
Fiona: We're right where we belong...
Mask Vendor: Oh, okay... so you're drivers?
Fiona: What do you think?
Mask Vendor: Uh, you don't really look like drivers.
Fiona: Oh, really?! How would you know?
Mask Vendor: Does the story get, uh... funnier? 'Cause right now it's just okay. I ask 'cause I'm real busy getting the cars ready for the drivers. This is the car prep area.
Vaughn: Oh, okay, sure... Good to know. I-- I was not aware. Okay. Good talk.
Vaughn: Prepping cars, huh? (turns to Fiona) Sounds pretty interesting.
Mask Vendor: So you guys drivers or what?
Fiona and Vaughn look at each other. The Mask Vendor walks up to Vaughn.
Mask Vendor: Sorry, I realize this is rude, but I really don't like your face.
Vaughn: Ya know, I get that a lot.
Mask Vendor: Not one bit. You just always look like you stepped in something.
Vaughn: (stops smiling) That's just my resting face.
Fiona: If you're supposed to be prepping the cars, why aren't you doing it?
Mask Vendor: I guess... 'cause I'm talking to you. That's probably why... if you must know.
Fiona: I think you're slacking.
Fiona: Drivers for what?
Fiona: Just get my damn car or-- vehicle or whatever, okay? Do you job.
Mask Vendor: Woah. Alright. That's... a way to go about it. There's no need to be rude. Sorry to inconvenience you.
Vaughn: Yeah, you should be.
Mask Vendor: (turns to Vaughn) I will hit you.
Fiona says nothing.
Mask Vendor: (backs up) Let's start over... If you're not official drivers... well... Pretty sure I'm supposed to shoot you in the face. (holds up gun)
Vaughn: Whoa, hey! Hey, hey! There's no need for that. It's just a... misunderstanding...
Fiona: We'll give you twenty percent of our winnings.
Mask Vendor: Uh, okay. Weird. What exactly are you two up to?
Fiona: None of your concern.
Fiona: We'd love to race. It's been our dream, for like, ever.
Vaughn: Definitely. It's our favorite.
Mask Vendor: Well, then I guess you're in the right place.
Vaughn: (laughs) Vroom. Vroom.
Mask Vendor: Yeah... that's what they sound like "vroom, vroom."
Fiona: We're drivers!
Mask Vendor: Really? Huh. You don't look like any drivers I've ever seen.
Fiona: Then I guess you ain't seen enough.
Mask Vendor: Well, that's very presumptuous. This ain't exactly my first race.
Fiona: Then quit actin' like it, and get our ride.
Vaughn: Just to be clear... this face that you... so dislike... it's the face of one of the best drivers ever.
Mask Vendor: Really? That's very hard for me to believe.
Vaughn: Oh yeah...
Mask Vendor: I guess I'll go get your ride. (walks away)
Fiona and Vaughn follow him. They stop at an open supply crate.
Mask Vendor: Oh, hey. I got something that might interest you. If you're racing, you should look the part. I'm not gonna give them away for free... but, uh... you wanna look like a team...
Fiona walks over to the crate.
Mask Vendor: Picked these up after the last race... Floor was littered with 'em... Cleaned most of the blood off... I suppose there's a chance I'll be collecting these again later...
The three masks are: PSYCHO MASK: $0, STEVE MASK: $65, and SKELETAL MENACE MASK: $125.
Fiona picks it up.
Fiona picks it up.
Fiona picks it up.
Mask Vendor: Okay, if anyone asks, you didn't get these from me. Now get going! Your ride is waiting!
A large caravan drives up behind him with two motorcycles and a carriage on the back. Fiona puts her mask on and Vaughn pushes up his glasses. Fiona gets onto the bed of the truck, and Vaughn straightens his bowtie. Fiona gets into the carriage, and Vaughn revs the motorcycle. The truck enters the Bossanova Death Rally, where it is seen that Vaughn fell off his motorcycle and Fiona is trying to pull him up. Vaughn sits down while Fiona leans on the carriage. Vaughn slips his mask on.
Vaughn: I could've been on a nice clean space station right now, tabulating columns of beautiful numbers.
Fiona: My mask smells weird. Does your mask smell weird?
Vaughn: Yeah.
Fiona: Look, the important thing is that we're inside and away from that...
Fiona notices several psychos across from them.
Fiona: ...bandit. (takes mask off) At least they seem preoccupied.
Vaughn: This is bad. This is bad. (slips off mask) What have we gotten ourselves into here? Psychos. Motor-chariot-thingies. Sponsors.
Fiona: It doesn't matter. We're inside. That's what counts.
Fiona: Some sort of race... thing... obviously.
Vaughn: Yeah, a death race.
Fiona: I'm taking a shot in the dark here, solely based on what you look like... but I'm guessing you're not really into sports.
Vaughn: Bloodsport?
Fiona says nothing.
Bossanova: (on TV, in a prepubescent voice) The race will begin-- uh-- oh--
Fiona: What an ass...
Bossanova: (deep voice) The race will begin in 30 minutes. 30 minutes until race time.
Vaughn: Are you kidding me with this?
Fiona: Relax.
Vaughn: Guns, guns, more guns... Fiona, what do we do? I am so sick of having guns pointed at me.
Fiona: Let's just get out of here and go.
Vaughn: But the money...
Fiona: We need to find Sasha... and Rhys...
Vaughn: I hope they're gonna be okay... but I hope that about us even more.
Fiona: I'm sure they're fine, but we need to get to them. I just... don't have a plan for how we do that yet.
Fiona: We have to find that case... I just... don't have a plan for how we do that yet.
Vaughn: Yeah, that's what's upsetting me.
Vaughn sees what is on the TV.
Bossanova: (on TV) And owing to today's earlier happenings, the grand prize for tonight's race is... (holds up money) a one-of-a-kind Hyperion mystery box! No one's been able to open it, but you know you want it.
Fiona: So... I guess we win the race and they just give us the money.
Vaughn: You make it sound simple.
Fiona: It is... simple... ish...
The truck continues to drive.
Entrance to Death Rally[]
The truck is gone, leaving only the motorcycles and chariot. Fiona is standing on the ground while Vaughn is on one of the motorcycles.
Fiona: Calm down. It's in the bag. If we win this race, we get the case.
Vaughn: "If"? The deal of a lifetime is really only worth it if your remaining lifetime is more than twenty-four hours.
Fiona: I won't let anything happen to you, okay? I'm gonna need you in there, and you need to just trust me.
Vaughn will remember that.
Fiona: Try not to embarrass me out there, Vaughn.
Vaughn will remember that.
Vaughn: (sarcastically) Thanks a lot.
Fiona: A lot of people are gonna be watching, and I've got a reputation to uphold. So don't suck.
Fiona: In my line of work, I have to be good at reading people, seeing their true character... and you, Vaughn... you can do this. I know you can.
Vaughn will remember that.
Vaughn: You really think so?
Fiona says nothing.
Vaughn starts to rev up his motorcycle.
Fiona: See? Now you're having a good time. You just gotta let loose. Rev the engines on your life, Vaughn.
Vaughn: Wait...what do you mean?
Fiona: It doesn't matter. Just, you know, enjoy the moment.
A psycho wearing the same mask as them stops walking and stares at Fiona and Vaughn.
Vaughn: I could get used to this.
Fiona: Yup. Just don't hurt yourself.
Bossanova: (on TV) Hello? Hello? Hello?
Fiona walks up to the TV.
Fiona: How does a jackass like this become a leader of anything?
The psycho walks past Fiona. Vaughn continues to rev the engine, but stops once the psycho sits on the other motorcycle next to him and gets in his face.
Vaughn: Whoa! Whoa!
Fiona turns and walks over to see what is going on.
Vaughn: I think this guy wants to eat my eyeballs.
Fiona: You're just being--
Psycho: Tasty eyeballs... good for fricassee!
Fiona: Okay, then. Just don't lean-in close.
Psycho: My doom-buggy! Filthy death-stealer!
Vaughn: No no no! You've got this all wrong! We didn't do anything! (whispers to Fiona) If you let him kill me, you'll never get the money.
Fiona: Oh, yeah, sure I will. Felix can bypass any lock. He'll have your case open faster than this guy can eat your lips.
Psycho: Urrrrrrgh!
Vaughn: But he can't defuse the bomb synced to my bio-signature.
Fiona: Bomb?! There's a bomb in the case?
The psycho grabs a hold of Vaughn and struggles with him.
Vaughn: (normal voice) Let me go! Stop it! Stop touching my body!
Fiona: You need to sack up, Vaughn! I can't keep bailing you out these messes.
Vaughn: (in a psycho voice) Accelerated depreciation on favorable variance unamortized premiums!
The psycho punches Vaughn in the face.
Psycho: Meat friends forever! (pumps arms up and down)
Fiona: Look at that... a friend for life.
Psycho: URRRRRRGH!
Fiona takes the psycho's head and headbutts him.
Fiona: Aaarrrrhh.
Fiona: (in a psycho voice) Roll out the barrel! I'll draw your blood!
The psycho lets go of Vaughn and looks at them both.
Psycho: Meat-buddies ridin' the death train! (pumps arms up and down)
Vaughn half-heartedly pumps one arm.
Vaughn: (in a psycho voice) Accelerated depreciation on favorable variance unamortized premiums!
The psycho punches Vaughn in the face.
Psycho: Meat friends forever! (pumps arms up and down)
Fiona: Look at that... a friend for life.
Psycho: URRRRRRGH!
Loud revving up sounds are heard. Fiona turns to the door.
Fiona: What the hell is this?
Bossanova: (intercom) What's this?! Hoooo! Sounds like we're starting early!!
Fiona and Vaughn put their masks on. Fiona walks over to the carriage and the psycho gets onto the other motorcycle.
Psycho: Dyin' high on a psycho-cycle!
Fiona climbs into the carriage.
Vaughn: You Pandorans are all crazy, you do know that, right?
Psycho: Drivers drive, drivers drive!
Vaughn: I guess.
Fiona: You're the man now, dog!
Vaughn: (turns back to Fiona) What?
Fiona: Let's kick the tires and light some fires!
Fiona: I feel the need... the need for speed!
Fiona shrugs.
The door to the Death Rally opens.
Fiona: Okay, I'll admit... that looks pretty dangerous.
Psycho: (calmly) Life come... Life go... (crazy) Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
They begin to drive forward.
Fiona: This is fine!
Vaughn: Oh god-
Fiona: We're okay!
Death Rally[]
They drive into the Death Rally and enter the circuit with the other bandit drivers. Bossanova descends from a crane lift.
Bossanova: And now -- maniacs, degenerates, and scumdogs -- it's time for what you've been waiting for: the first motorized killtacular even of Murder Rally twelve-thousand!
Rhys, Sasha, and Zer0 ascend to the middle of the race from the lift. Rhys is now the playable character.
Bossanova: Also known as That Big Chariot Race Thing Where Everyone Dies!
Sasha: Yeah, no. I really don't like this.
Bossanova: Whoever is the last mongrel still screaming at the end of the race will get to take home the one, the only...
Rhys: Isn't this what you people do down here? This is cementing everything I assumed about Pandora.
Rhys: We are so dead.
Rhys: Alright Zer0, you're with us, right, buddy?
Rhys says nothing.
Bossanova: (holds up case) ...The Hyperion Mystery Case of Wonder!
Sasha: I really, really, really don't like this.
Bossanova lowers the case and looks down and sees Zer0.
Bossanova: Zer0. Actually, uh, the last freak still standing still gets the mystery box, but whoever kills that guy gets twenty g's cold hard cash.
Two bandits jump onto a crate. Zer0 stands on a car with his sniper rifle and shoots at Bossanova, but he blocks the bullet with the case, causing it to fly away and land near Rhys and Sasha.
Bossanova: I'm gonna drum you upside the head, shred ya to bits, and de-base your corpse, you plastic ninja freak.
He use his bass booster on his chest to blast Zer0 away. Rhys and Sasha crouch behind a car. Bossanova's crane lift begins to shift to the right. Sasha sees the case.
Sasha: Okay, let's go. (stands up) Come on!
They both run towards the case. A psycho on a motorcycle drives over and grabs the case. He turns around and drives toward Rhys and Sasha.
Sasha pulls out the stun baton and whacks the psycho off the motorcycle.
Sasha pulls out her gun and shoots the bandit with a shock bullet.
Rhys moves out of the way of the oncoming motorcycle. Two bandits and a psycho move in front of the case. The bandits start firing at them while the psycho picks up the case and runs in the opposite direction. Rhys and Sasha run to cover. Sasha shoots one of the bandits while the other dodges. Rhys is crouching.
Sasha: Ahh, okay... We have to get out of here.
Rhys: I'm open to ideas!
Sasha continues firing. Rhys suddenly gets a call from his robot arm.
Rhys: Oh, that's gotta be Yvette! (pulls up arm) Yes! She can send a Loader Bot!
Vasquez walks in frame of the holographic image.
Vasquez: Oh, Professor Nakayama! You sound different.
Rhys: Vasquez.
Sasha: (shoots another bandit) Is... is that your boss?
Rhys: You know what, I really don't have time for--
Vasquez: Then I'll make this fast. I know about the Vault key. Okay? I know. So now we've got a problem: a lotta Hyperion cheddar's missing.
Sasha continues firing.
Sasha: Get off the phone, Rhys.
Vasquez: Look, no one else up here needs to know about this little faux pas, all right? So you bring back the money and... Uh, I'll tell you what... I'll give you your old job back. Before the janitor thing, the respectable job.
A bandit comes shooting and running towards Rhys but Sasha kills him.
Vasquez: We'll just have to blame the whole thing on your buddy Vaughn. Okay? I mean, it is his ID associated with the account transfer, and uh... And he's young...ish. He'll bounce back.
Rhys: I don't think so. Vaughn's my friend.
Rhys: Why on Pandora would I trust you, Vasquez?
Vasquez: Because that's a lot of money. Money I want. Money I don't have. Money you have. Money--
Rhys: And why would I do that?
Sasha continues firing.
Vasquez: Look. I admit it. You screwed me. You really did. Cool moves, Rhys. Cool moves. Hyperion will want my dick in a sling. So... you get your cybernetic rear up here with the money, and I'll split it with you, fifty-fifty. You scratch my nuts, I scratch yours, that kind of thing. So Vaughn takes the fall... And the two of us? We've got girls sniffing shnae out of our armpits. Or whatever. I don--I don't know what you're into.
Rhys: Scratch your own nuts.
Sasha: (fires) Really?
Vasquez: Oh, I'll scratch 'em. I'll scratch 'em hard. You messed up, Rhys. You coulda been back home, living the good life. Passing that up for the sake of your little friend? ...Ya have fun dying on that poop chute of a planet where you belong.
Rhys hangs up.
Rhys: Okay. Okay, I'm in.
Sasha fires and is shocked by this.
Vasquez: Sweet. Very sweet. I'll be in touch. You stay safe out there, old buddy.
Rhys hangs up, sighing and shaking his head.
Rhys: I want more. Seventy-five percent.
Vasquez: Seventy-five? For what?
Rhys: Oh, I don't know, how about putting my best friend on the chopping block?
Sasha fires and is shocked by this.
Vasquez: How about no, it's half. This ain't a negotiation, twinkle toes.
Rhys: Okay, then how about a Loader Bot?
Vasquez: Yeah. I'll see what I can do. It's a deal then! I'll be in touch. You stay safe out there, old buddy.
Rhys hangs up, sighing and shaking his head.
Rhys hangs up.
Sasha: Huh. I really thought you'd give him up.
Rhys: Oh, you heard all that?
Sasha: Oh yeah.
Sasha: No more phone calls, okay? We have to--
The psycho with the money jumps past them.
Sasha: Come on!
Rhys and Sasha chase after the psycho. A bandit runs at them but Sasha kills him. The psycho bangs on a control pad and opens a large door. He runs through the door and Rhys and Sasha stop when they hear something. The psycho starts running back out of the door screaming while a giant skag chases him. The skag devours both the psycho and the money.
Rhys: Ack!
Rhys tries to pull the psycho out of its mouth by the legs, but only pulls the legs back out.
Rhys: He ate the money!
Sasha: Well get it out!
Rhys: You get it out! (pulls out and activates stun baton)
Rhys hits the skag with his stun baton, getting it stuck in the skag's mouth and making it roar.
The skag knocks the baton out of Rhys's hands and Rhys falls to the ground.
Rhys: (stands up) Ahhhh! (runs away screaming)
Sasha: Get back here! (chases after him)
The skag starts chasing Rhys. A wounded bandit drags himself on the ground. Rhys jumps over him. Rhys then runs to the right behind a box. The skag stops running and turns around as Sasha runs and fires at it. Zer0 jumps onto the box Rhys is hiding behind. Bossanova sees this, and as the skag runs toward Zer0, Bossanova uses his bass booster to blast them both away, sending the skag backwards. Rhys spots Zer0's sword on the ground and picks it up. The skag jumps above Rhys while Rhys holds the sword up, slicing the skag's stomach open and covering Rhys in blood, guts, the dead psycho's upper half, and the money. Sasha runs over to Rhys, who is lying on the ground.
Sasha: Hey, did you get it? Where is it?
Rhys sits up and pushes the dead psycho off his body and the piece of intestine off his head. Rhys and Sasha notice the money next to the dead skag.
Sasha: Oh, there it is. Come on, we have to go--
Zer0 drops down next to them and picks up his sword.
Zer0: Thanks.
Zer0 dodges Bossanova's next bass booster attack, which blasts the case away.
Death Rally Track[]
Fiona is now the playable character. The case lands onto a bandit vehicle behind Fiona. Fiona takes her mask off and spots the case. Two psychos on a motorcycle drive up to them. One of them jumps onto Fiona's carriage. Fiona puts her mask back on. Suddenly, a midget psycho jumps onto Fiona's back.
Fiona: Ungh!
Fiona struggles to get the psycho off of her.
Vaughn: (to motorcycle psycho) Get up there and help her!
Psycho: Pretend I'm a good person!
Fiona throws the midget psycho off of her and at the climbing psycho.
Fiona kicks the psycho off the carriage. Fiona then throws the midget psycho off.
The psychos are seen flopping backwards and causing a bandit vehicle and a motorcycle to crash into each other. The only car left is the one with a crane, which also has the case.
Fiona: I saw the case!
Vaughn: What?
Fiona: The money! It's on that truck!
The truck drives right next to them. Fiona sees the case.
Vaughn: I can't see a damn thing in this!
A bandit with an axe is riding the top of the truck.
Bandit: Kill them!
A psycho uses the crane to attack Fiona.
Vaughn: What? What is it? Is it bad?
Fiona: Just drive!
Fiona: Get down!
Fiona: Oh yeah, it's bad.
Vaughn: Okay, it's bad.
The crane swings toward Fiona. She ducks to avoid it.
Vaughn: Fiona... (turns and sees the case)
Fiona: Vaughn!
Vaughn: Getting closer!
He steers the motorcycle left to get closer to the truck. The bandit driving the truck pulls out a shotgun and shoots at them.
Vaughn: They never stop shooting on this planet, do they?
The bandit aims his gun at Fiona so she ducks. The bandit then fires at the psycho riding with Vaughn, killing him and causing him to slip off the motorcycle.
Vaughn: OH GOD! Get the case, hurry up!
Bandit: Get the little one! (jumps down onto the adjacent motorcycle with his axe)
Vaughn: Holy crap!
He swings at Vaughn but Vaughn gets onto the side of the motorcycle to dodge.
Vaughn: Get...the...case...what...are...you...doing?
Fiona kicks the bandit off the motorcycle. Vaughn gets back up.
Vaughn: Did... you get... the case? Because... without said case... I am so dead. So, so, so dead. Just like, like really dead.
Fiona: Next time I will, you ungrateful little skag turd.
Fiona: What about a thank you?
Fiona: Do you see a case?
Fiona says nothing.
A psycho grabs the case and gives it to the driver.
Vaughn: Got it.
He drives the chariot closer to the truck. Fiona stands up onto the motorcycle. Vaughn notices a destroyed truck in their way.
Vaughn: Fiona!
Vaughn kicks and separates his motorcycle from the chariot.
Vaughn: What are you waiting for?
Fiona: Crap!
Fiona jumps onto the other truck before the chariot crashes into destroyed truck.
Vaughn: Oh my god!
Fiona reaches for the case but doesn't get it.
The chariot begins to shake.
Fiona: Vaughn? What are you doing?
Vaughn starts trying to kick the metal connecting the two motorcycles off. The bandit continues to swing at Vaughn.
Vaughn: Getting kicked in the face!
Fiona: No, no, no...
Fiona notices a destroyed truck in their way. Vaughn manages to separate his motorcycle from the chariot.
Fiona: Shit!
Fiona sees the crane and holds onto it before the chariot crashes into the destroyed truck. A psycho grabs the case and gives it to the driver. Fiona stands up on the truck.
Vaughn: Did you get the case?
Fiona takes off her mask.
Vaughn: Because if you did, ninja your way back over here so we can go! Getting a sense there's no case!
Fiona: Shut up, Vaughn!
Vaughn: No, you zip it!
Fiona glares at him.
Fiona: Why... why did you do that?
Fiona: I almost died because of you and you're worried about the case?
Fiona says nothing.
The chariot begins to shake.
Fiona: Vaughn? What are you doing?
Vaughn starts trying to kick the metal connecting the two motorcycles off. The bandit continues to swing at Vaughn.
Vaughn: Getting kicked in the face!
Fiona: No, no, no...
Fiona notices a destroyed truck in their way. Vaughn manages to separate his motorcycle from the chariot.
Fiona: Shit!
Fiona sees the crane and holds onto it before the chariot crashes into the destroyed truck. A psycho grabs the case and gives it to the driver. Fiona stands up on the truck.
Vaughn: Did you get the case?
Fiona takes off her mask.
Vaughn: Because if you did, ninja your way back over here so we can go! Getting a sense there's no case!
Fiona: Shut up, Vaughn!
Vaughn: No, you zip it!
Fiona glares at him.
Fiona: Why... why did you do that?
Fiona: I almost died because of you and you're worried about the case?
Fiona says nothing.
Fiona turns to see a psycho is about to swing at Fiona with a hatchet. She dodges it. The psycho then gets on top of Fiona and tries to kill Fiona.
Psycho 2: Just stop and let me bite your ears off!
Fiona's hat flies off. Vaughn drives up to them. He slides his mask off.
Fiona kicks the psycho off of her. Vaughn then pulls him off the truck and he dies.
Fiona: Hand me... that axe.
Vaughn: Do I look like the type of guy that uses an axe?
Fiona: I'm using it!
Vaughn grabs the axe and gives it to Fiona. She axes the psycho in the head, killing him and causing him to fall off the truck.
Fiona: Vaughn, do something!
Vaughn: Like what?
Fiona: ANYTHING!
Vaughn: Uh... Okay sure! Um... (throws axe but it doesn't kill the psycho) Sorry, sorry!
The psycho pushes Fiona into the tires and she is killed.
Vaughn: I shouldn't have done that!
Fiona: (stands up) What?
Vaughn: Guess we're even!
Vaughn drives faster.
Fiona: Where are you going?
Vaughn: I'm getting the case!
Vaughn drives around the truck onto the other side. He spots the case next to the driver. Vaughn then notices a psycho with a hatchet on a motorcycle chasing him.
Vaughn: Aaaah!
Psycho 3: FEEL MY DAGGERBONES!
As the psycho tries to kill Vaughn, Vaughn stands up and jumps into the passenger seat of the truck. His motorcycle falls over and is lost. Meanwhile, three motorcycle psychos jump onto the back of the truck to attack Fiona.
Psycho 4: Only you can sate my lust... for MEAT!
Fiona punches the psycho into the crane controls. He begins to use the crane controls to attack.
Fiona uses the controls to swing the crane around.
A psycho starts to use the crane controls.
Vaughn picks up the driver's shotgun. The crane knocks off one of the psychos.
Psycho 5: Mommy!
Fiona ducks to avoid the crane and it hits the other psycho off. Vaughn shoots the driver and kills him as the truck ran over the psychos that fell.
Vaughn: WOW!
The driver falls out and the truck begins to shake without a driver, knocking Fiona down. Vaughn gets into the truck and regains control. Fiona gets back up but the swinging crane hits Fiona and almost knocks her off. She manages to pull herself back up.
Psycho 6: I'm gonna kill you till you die from it!
The psycho struggles with Fiona trying to push her off. Fiona pushes him into the control pad, causing the crane to rise up. Zer0 lands right next to Fiona and the psycho and jumps on top of the crane. Fiona watches Zer0 jump and kick Bossanova off his lift as the truck's crane grabs the lift itself, sending the truck flying up. It goes slow motion as the case falls out. Vaughn tries to grab the case but can't reach it. The psycho falls off the truck. Miraculously, Felix, driving the caravan, manages to open his window and grab the falling case just in time. Fiona jumps off the tilted-upward truck and onto the caravan. Fiona enters through the main door. Felix notices Fiona when she closes the door.
Felix: Fiona.
Fiona: Thanks. My luck was about to run out back there.
Fiona: Felix. What's wrong?
Fiona: You got the case!
Fiona says nothing.
Fiona tries to walk up the steps to Felix before Felix pulls a gun on Fiona. Fiona takes another step forward. Felix puts his gun down.
Felix: Ahhh... for the love of...
He steers the car left harshly, sending Fiona to the back of the caravan. He points his gun back at Fiona.
Fiona: (narration) I guess old con men are pretty rare. Looking at him right then, I thought I understood him. Maybe for the first time in my whole life. Didn't stop me from being pissed off.
Felix: I hope one day you'll understand... Perhaps you'll even find it in your heart to forgive me...
Fiona: Felix--
Fiona notices a truck up ahead.
Fiona: Felix!
Felix tries to drive out of the way but crashes the caravan, knocking Fiona out. Fiona wakes up to Felix trying to move the caravan to no avail.
Felix: Go, damnit! Go! (continues to drive forward without luck)
Fiona tries to get the money, which is close by, but Felix walks up to it.
Felix: I'm... I'm taking the money... all of it... (picks up case) I'm sorry, Fiona. I really am. I told you to never trust anyone. Anyone. (walks up steps) This is the only way to make you understand. One last thing for you to learn.
Fiona: Why are you doing this?
Felix: I have nothing more to give you, Fiona. Or your sister. This is...a final gift. I'll be able to leave knowing--
Fiona: What a load of skag shit.
Felix: I deserve th--
Fiona: I'll get you for this.
Fiona: Felix. Don't do this. We're like family.
Fiona says nothing.
Felix begins to climb out of the crashed caravan. Fiona follows him out and sticks her head out of the window. Felix puts his foot to the front wheel of the caravan, about to kick it down.
Felix: Goodbye, Fiona.
Fiona: Felix, --
Fiona draws her pistol.
Felix: Fiona, don't. You're not going to shoot me, Fiona. You know shooting me is not the answer. I've taught you better than that.
Fiona tries to shoot, but has no bullets.
Fiona shoots Felix in the neck, causing him to lose control of the caravan and for it and Fiona to roll down the hill.
Felix: (while dying) Ten... million... dollars... I just... *cough* ... need to see it. (pulls out lockpick) Hyperion... such simple security... (opens case)
Fiona: Choke on it!
Felix: You always were... my favorite.
The case explodes, killing Felix and destroying the money.
Sasha will remember that.
Fiona doesn't shoot Felix.
Fiona doesn't shoot Felix.
Fiona says nothing.
Felix kicks the caravan along with Fiona down the hill.
Felix: Tell Hyperion they can track their fancy case all they want, but I'm taking the money. (opens the case)
The case begins to beep.
Fiona: Felix, it's booby-trapped!
Felix tosses the case into the air and it explodes.
Felix will remember that.
It cuts to Sasha and Vaughn on a motorcycle, watching the burnt money pieces to fall from the sky.
Fiona: Choke on it!
Felix: Fiona, you always were--
The case explodes, killing Felix and destroying the money. It cuts to Sasha and Vaughn on a motorcycle, watching the burnt money pieces to fall from the sky.
You let Felix have his fitting reward.
Felix: Fiona, you always were--
The case explodes, killing Felix and destroying the money. It cuts to Sasha and Vaughn on a motorcycle, watching the burnt money pieces to fall from the sky.
Sasha will remember that.Rhys sees all of this as well.
Rhys: Ah, no! No no! Okay... this is officially the worst day ever.
Bossanova suddenly comes falling from the sky to the ground near Rhys. Zer0 jumps down and stabs Bossanova in the chest.
Bossanova: OW! My woofer!!
Zer0 removes the sword and displays a ":)" emoticon from his face.
Bossanova: I really, really, really....
Bossanova presses a button that causes his crane lift to shift over to above him and Zer0.
Bossanova: ...really, really, really, really, really... really, really, really... HATE YOU.
Bossanova presses the button that drops his lift as it crushes Zer0 and Bossanova, killing the latter. Rhys dives for cover. He gets back up to see a giant metal beam sticking through the torso of Zer0, who seems unphased.
Rhys: Uh, that... metal thing... is inside your body.
Rhys: Uh, how...how are you not dead?
Rhys: That was... incredible.
Rhys says nothing.
"Zer0" is revealed to be a hologram; he phases through the metal beam and walks a bit away from it before disappearing. The real Zer0 is seen kneeling, recovering from the crash. He stands up and picks up his sword. Zer0 walks forward a bit before tossing his sword. He uses his ECHO communicator to speak to Mad Moxxi.
Zer0: (over ECHO) Bossanova's dead / I don't think he was lying / Gortys is not here. (turns to Rhys)
Rhys smiles at him before shying away awkwardly.
Mad Moxxi (ECHO): Don't sweat it, babe. That's one less bandit lord we have to worry about. There's plenty o' time for sweating later, once you've come back to me for your reward.
Zer0 begins to walk away.
Zer0: (over ECHO) My quest is not done.
Mad Moxxi (ECHO): My reward for you is gonna be long, hard, and powerful.
Zer0: (over ECHO) Gortys remains out of reach.
Mad Moxxi (ECHO): It's a rocket launcher.
Zer0: (over ECHO) Yes. Innuendo. (exits)
Vaughn walks up to Rhys. Rhys puts his hand on Vaughn's shoulder and they smile at each other. They see Fiona walk up to Sasha nearby.
Fiona: Sasha, about what happened with Felix...
Sasha: Stop! Okay? I don't want to talk about it now. (walks away)
Vaughn: (to Rhys) Their "friend" Felix tried to take the money for himself.
Vaughn: He was killed in the explosion.
Vaughn: The case exploded, but he got away.
Sasha bends down to pick up some loot.
Fiona: So we have no money, no Vault Key. Nothing. (turns to Rhys)
Vaughn: It's over. I mean, what--what do we even do now?
Sasha: Check the bodies. Take anything valuable.
Vaughn: It's not like there's going to be ten million dollars worth of...
Sasha stands up and turns to Vaughn.
Sasha: You have any better ideas?
Rhys and Vaughn look at each other. Fiona finds her hat on the ground.
Fiona: You came to Pandora, now you get to live like we do. (picks up hat and puts it on) Wait for more powerful people to kill each other and then take their stuff.
Vaughn walks forward.
Rhys picks up a shield and pockets it.
The group continues forward.
Vaughn: This junk can't be worth that much.
Sasha: (points to pistol offscreen) That pistol over there's worth at least a hundred bucks.
Rhys: (sarcastically) Good, we just need a hundred thousand more of those and we're all set. (walks into Bossanova's crane lift)
A newly fixed Loader Bot suddenly drops from the sky.
Loader Bot: (to Rhys) Righteous father! I have found you! (thumbs up)
Loader Bot: (to Rhys) You suck!
Suddenly, the rubble Rhys is standing in begins to shift, causing Rhys to fall through the floor.
Vaughn: Rhys!
Loader Bot: Try to roll with the fall!
Gortys Underground Facility[]
Rhys wakes up in an underground Atlas facility. He sits himself up.
Vaughn: (calling down) Rhys! Are you dead? If you're dead, say something.
Rhys stands up and walks under the hole he fell through.
Rhys: Stay up there, and be careful. The floor is... unstable.
Fiona: (calling down) Oh yeah, we kinda figured that out.
Rhys: (wipes himself off) I think... I'm okay.
Sasha: (calling down) Good... 'cause it doesn't look like there's a safe way down to help you. So, figure a way out of there.
Rhys: I'm fine, I'm fine. Totally meant to do that.
Sasha: (calling down) Good... 'cause it doesn't look like there's a safe way down to help you. So, figure a way out of there.
Rhys: I could use a little help down here.
Fiona: (calling down) It doesn't look like there's a safe way down.
Vaughn: Rhys! Oh, man! You're totally not dead. He's gonna be alright, everybody. (yelling to the others) He's gonna be alright, everybody.
Sasha: (calling down) Good... 'cause it doesn't look like there's a safe way down to help you. So, figure a way out of there.Vaughn: What's down there?
Rhys steps forward but gets startled by the building settling. He looks around.
Rhys: Uh... There's a bunch of old Atlas prototype stuff... some tech... there's like a few weapons and--
Sasha: Where? (jumps down the hole onto some stairs)
Rhys: Too dangerous, huh?
Sasha walks over to a cabinet and pushes a button. An SMG emerges from the automatic cabinet.
Sasha: No way... Haahahaha! The Atlas Silver! (picks it up) Ah... one of the rarest SMGs on Pandora!
Vaughn walks past Rhys.
Sasha: These models were never even released!
Rhys: Neat.
Rhys: (half-heartedly) Cool.
Rhys: Vintage... I guess.
Rhys says nothing.
Vaughn walks over to a cabinet and pushes a button on it.
Vaughn: Great a wa-
The cabinet opens to reveal a rare watch.
Vaughn: Whoa! Hey! (puts it on) A retro Atlasio! (walks over to Rhys) I thought these things were just a rumor. (holds up arm) Look, look look look look. It tells time, and it's a calculator. Just give me a math problem, just give me a math problem.
Fiona is seen on the stairs.
Fiona: Is it worth a lot of money? (walks over to Vaughn)
Vaughn: Sort of. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you know it's not ten million dollars worth, but, ah man, to the right people... Atlas tech in mint condition like this is worth a hell of a lot to collectors. Some Hyperion execs buy it just to put it on their trophy shelves and gloat. And unreleased prototypes at that. I mean, who knows what this is worth?!
Fiona: All right, Sasha, let's grab what we can and get out of here. Quickly. No telling when those bandits will be back.
Vaughn: We'd better do the same, Rhys.
Rhys notices a button on the wall. He and Fiona walk up to it.
Rhys: Would you like to do the honors?
Fiona: It's the last one... it's only right for us both to reveal it... that's the best part.
Rhys: Yeah, I was kinda hoping you'd say that.
Fiona and Rhys press the button.
Fiona: Alright... big money...
The button causes the trim along the wall leading to the floor to glow orange and a machine to pop up from the Atlas logo on the floor. Rhys and Fiona walk over to it. On it, the two Gortys cores float under glowing light. Rhys and Fiona look at each other.
Automated Voice: RESET... IDENTIFICATION REQUIRED.
Rhys: So... is it just me, or does that look...
Fiona: Incredibly valuable? Yeah. And there's two of them so I don't have to stab you.
Rhys: That's a bonus... I call the bigger half...
Rhys grabs the big Gortys core and Fiona grabs the small Gortys core. They pull them out of the machine. Rhys rotates his piece.
Vaughn: What is it?
Rhys: No idea.
Fiona: Well, we got what we came for, so let's go, Sasha.
The Gortys cores suddenly force themselves together, and the combined core hovers in the air.
Rhys: Hey, Vaughn can you see if there's a crowbar lying around? We're gonna have to pry these apart before we-
The core suddenly shows the Gortys Protocol logo. It then shows a large map of Pandora. They all look amazed by this. A marker on the map shows the Vault symbol.
Fiona: Is that... a map?
Unknown Voice: So, she's the brains of the outfit. Is that... a map? I--I--I don't know, it's so confusing.
Rhys looks around but sees no one talking.
Unknown Voice: This, ladies and gentlemen, is the Gortys Project... and it's gonna lead us to a vault...
The voice is revealed to belong to the Handsome Jack AI, which finally appears as a hologram and puts his hands on Rhys and Fiona's shoulders.
Handsome Jack AI: And then I'll probably kill you. (turns to Rhys)
Rhys sees him and jumps and screams in surprise.
Kidnapper's Hideout (Night, Present)[]
It is nighttime, and Rhys and Fiona are sitting next to each other while tied up. A campfire is going while the Masked Kidnapper holds his shotgun.
Masked Kidnapper: So... you lost a Vault Key...
Rhys: Which was never real--
Masked Kidnapper: Right... then you lost the money...
Fiona: Well, technically we found it... but then it blew up...
Masked Kidnapper: Sure... but at the end of all that, you discovered the Gortys Project, which is all about opening a vault.
Rhys: Right.
Masked Kidnapper: That's very convenient.
Fiona: Ehh, not really. I mean... One way or another everything on Pandora is leading you to a vault.
Rhys: I'd actually... agree with her on that.
Masked Kidnapper: A rarity, I'm sure... So... what happened next?
Rhys and Fiona turn to each other.
Rhys: Uhm...
Fiona: Well...