(Accept mission)

Hyperion: Titty volcano.

Hyperion: Ugh. Sorry. Some Lost Legion have control of my voice request terminal and they're making me say stupid crap. I need you to kill them.

(Enter World of Shopping in Hyperion Hub of Heroism)

  • Athena (if present): Stop them from tinkering with your AI. Understood.
  • Wilhelm (if present): Stop some jerkbags messing with the robot voice. No problem.
  • Nisha (if present): I'm on it, robot-person.
  • Claptrap (if present): Always happy to help another artificial intelligence in distress!
  • Jack2 (if present): Sure. No problem, robot-lady.
  • Aurelia (if present): Save the robotic maiden from speaking obscenities. Understood.

Hyperion: I'm not an AI. I'm a person! I sit in a dark room and read what I'm asked! Look -- another incoming message from those jerkbags. It reads: "booty salads." I'm a grown woman who had to say "booty salads" because some jackass wrote those words.

(Randomly, says one of the following)

Hyperion: Vault Hunter's faces look like wee-wees. God, I hate this.

Hyperion: Lost Legion rules, Vault Hunters drool.

Hyperion: Vault Hunters can suck it! Booyah thug life hashtag YOLO.

Hyperion: Lost Legion forevskies.

(Engaging Lost Legion)

Dahl Soldier: Oh man, it's the Vault dorks!

Dahl Soldier 2: We really charfed it now!

Hyperion: Please kill those fartknockers.

(Kill all enemies)

Hyperion: Wonderful. Actually, while you're at it -- could you find me something a little more intelligent to read aloud? I need to wash that "booty salads" nonsense out of my mouth.

  • Athena (if present): Roger. Acquiring books.
  • Wilhelm (if present): You mean word-holders? Sure.
  • Nisha (if present): Books for the Hyperion chick. Got it.
  • Claptrap (if present): I would be happy to acquire some reading material for you!
  • Jack2 (if present): Okay, grab some books, right-o.
  • Aurelia (if present): You can READ? Are you sure you belong on this planet?

(Get book from cleaning bot)

Hyperion: That cleaner has a book, and it can't even read!

(Get second book)

  • Athena (if present): "An Anthology of Classic Literature." This'll do.
  • Wilhelm (if present): Hardback, smells old, doesn't have a gun on the cover -- yeah, this looks snooty enough.
  • Nisha (if present): One literary snoozefest, as requested.
  • Claptrap (if present): Do you like computers, but wish they couldn't hold as much information? Try "books"!
  • Jack2 (if present): "Classic literature" -- so, like... Detective Frog.
  • Aurelia (if present): Ah, the classics! I performed this one in university. Absolutely killed. Hand still sore from all the high-fives.

(Get third book)

Hyperion: That looks great -- now send that to me so I can finally show off my range as a voice actress. There's a scanner nearby you can use.

(Place and scan books)

Hyperion: Ahh, finally. Ahem.

Hyperion: O, reason not the need! Our basest beggars are in the poorest thing superfluo--[1]

Jack: --Hey, voice lady, you're boring the hell out of me. Go back to saying the stuff about booty salads, that was awesome. N-no, you know what? Say "booty souffle". That's way better, am I right?

CL4P-TP: Uh -- why is the voice in my head saying "booty souffle"?

Jack: Hahahaha! So glad we hired you.

Hyperion: Just turn in the mission, Vault Hunter.

(Turn in)

Hyperion: I'm so pissed right now.

  1. William Shakespeare, King Lear: Act 2, Scene 4
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