FANDOM


Medical Vending Machine

Borderlands

  • "Get your meds here!"
  • "If you need a healin', step right up!"
  • "Buy a First Aid Kit... you won't regret it."
  • "I might not have a med-school degree, but when you get shot you'll be happy I'm here."
  • "Who needs a real doctor when you got my machines and their scary needles?"

The Zombie Island of Dr. Ned

  • "Who need's Dr. Zed when you have Dr. Ned?"
  • "Do me a favor. Buy first aid so that I won't have to fix you up later."
  • "Shields and healin'. That's what I'm dealin'."
  • "Zombies trying to tear your face off? Buy a shield...and then buy an Insta-health for when the shield inevitably goes down when you really need it."
  • "If this crap ain't enough for your ailments, visit my infirmary on the water in Jakobs Cove."
  • "Choose Dr. Ned before you're undead."

Borderlands 2

Welcome

  • "Get your health and shields right here!"
  • "Almost dead? I can fix that."
  • "Welcome to Dr. Zed's portable clinic! What can I get for ya?"
  • "Please insert any donated organs into the receptacle below."
  • "I am legally obligated to tell you: I ain't a real doctor."
  • "Who needs a medical license when you got style?"
  • "If you ain't dead, I'll keep ya that way."
  • "Hope you've had your shots!"
  • "Buy from me if you want to live."
  • "If you got the money, I'll save your gol-dern life!"

Purchase

  • "Hope it helps."
  • "That oughtta keep your insides inside."
  • "Look alive out there!"
  • "Good luck!"
  • "That'll buy ya a couple seconds, if nothin' else."
  • "You'll be shakin' off bullets like dandruff."
  • "Make good use of that!"
  • "Good choice! Probably."
  • "Be careful with that!"
  • "SOLD!"

Bye

  • "See ya real soon, I'm sure."
  • "Zed out!"
  • "Catch ya later!"
  • "Come on back anytime!"
  • "Try not to die!"
  • "Next time you're bleedin' to death, just think: Dr. Zed!"
  • "Be careful out there."
  • "You're an organ donor, right?"
  • "I'll patch ya up whenever you need it."
  • "Stay alive out there."

Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon Keep

Welcome

  • "Welcome to Dr. Zed's portable cleric station!"
  • "I got potions and armor! Kinda!"
  • "Lookin' for a healer? Well, you're in the right place."
  • "Welcome to Cleric Zed's Health Emporium!"
  • "You need healin'... badly!"

Purchase

  • "Fare thee well!"
  • "Heh, good luck on your quest or whatever!"
  • "Have fun storming the tower!"
  • "Don't die!"
  • "Go kill some wizards for me!"

Bye

  • "I ain't technically a real cleric."
  • "Try not to catch a stray arrow!"
  • "Thanks for the gold!"
  • "Thanks for ye olde cash!"
  • "Zed's Meds'll keep you from bein' dead!"

Another set can be found within the game files, which was to be used by Dr. Ned

Welcome

  • "Welcome to Dr. Ned's portable necromancy station!"
  • "I carry the stuff my brother won't!"
  • "Do you like Zed, but wish he was shadier? That's why I'M here!"
  • "Doctor Ned here, sellin' loot and moustache rides, heh!"
  • "Zed sucks! Ned rules!"

Purchase

  • "Uh -- anybody catches you with that, my brother sold it to ya."
  • "Heh heh heh."
  • "So what if the world's endin'? Ned's gotta get paid."
  • "You've got a friend in Ned!"
  • "Thank ya kindly, stranger."

Bye

  • "If you see my brother, tell him he sucks."
  • "I'm a separate person!"
  • "Sorry about that one time I made zombies!"
  • "I'm technically a part of canon!"
  • "Now, go spill some blood."


Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel

Welcome

  • "Welcome! I fix you!"
  • "Hello! I keep you breathing, yes?"
  • "Greetings! Nina good for you!"
  • "Health and shields for you!"
  • "You buy from Nina, yes?"
  • "You have appointment? Ha-ha-ha, is joke!"
  • "You hurt? Nina help!"
  • "Nina keep you alive!"
  • "Don't die before you pay!"
  • "Nina best quality health and shields!"

Purchase

  • "Is good choice!"
  • "Spaceba! -- Eh, thank you, to the layman."
  • "Sold! Give me money."
  • "Thank you! Next!"
  • "Use well!"
  • "Na zdorovyeh!"
  • "Any side effects, you ignore, yes?"
  • "Thank very much."
  • "Cha-ching!"
  • "Is my pleasure."

Bye

  • "Farewell!"
  • "Nina take care of you!"
  • "Do not die! You good for business."
  • "When in pain, think of Nina."
  • "Come back when dying!"
  • "Come again!"
  • "Nina see you soon!"
  • "Come visit!"
  • "If you bleeding, come see me!"
  • "Do svidaniya!"

Weapon Vending Machine

Borderlands

  • "Cheap, reliable, lightweight, and incredibly fast reload speeds. Tediore makes an easy to use gun."
  • "The SS philosophy is, Tech Ammo Capacity I win."
  • "Torgue combines good damage, high firerate, and recoil reduction into one lethal weapon."
  • "400 percent more awesome! Also, Torgue doesn't make their guns out of freakin' wood."
  • "Jakobs guns do one thing really well... power. And honestly, what else do you need?"
  • "If it took more than one shot... you weren't using a Jakobs."
  • "Buy an Atlas and you too can see what it feels like to hold the power of the gods in your hands."
  • "Atlas spares no expense in making guns that excel in every area."
  • "Hyperion asks, What good is a gun that doesn't shoot where you point? Get a gun that's as accurate as you are."
  • "Enemies only die if you hit 'em. So buy Hyperion today!"
  • "If you're on a budget, Tediore is always the way to go."
  • "Wanna shoot a lot of bullets really fast? Vladof has your needs covered."
  • "Vladof. You don't need to be a better shot, you just need to shoot more bullets."
  • "Dahl's guns absorb a lot of recoil, allowing you to stay accurate throughout the fight."
  • "Dahl makes guns for professional Mercs. They're heavy, accurate, and effective... assuming your strong enough to hold one."
  • "Maliwan guns shoot more lightning than the next leading competitor."
  • "Is shooting bullets just not cool enough for you? Get a Maliwan, and light some people on fire."
  • "If you find that your gun just doesn't hold enough bullets, then SS has the solution. More bullets! All SS guns have extended magazines."

Borderlands 2 and Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel

Welcome

  • "You can always trust the gun at your side!"
  • "Why loot the dead when you can buy from me?"
  • "Haven't found anything good? My weapon machines will fix that for ya!"
  • "Buy a gun, already!"
  • "Guns: I've got them, you need them!"
  • "Guns, guns, guns!"
  • "Guns, glorious guns!"
  • "Lock and load!"
  • "You can never be too well-armed."
  • "Catch-a-guuuun! Guh. Never doing that again."

Purchase

  • "Capitalism, baby!"
  • "No refunds."
  • "Tell your friends where you got that!"
  • "A pleasure."
  • "May it serve you well!"
  • "Now, make some holes!"
  • "That'll cause some pain!"
  • "Bang!"
  • "Enjoy your new instrument of death!"
  • "Now, get to killing!"

Bye

  • "I've always got new stock -- check back later!"
  • "I'll always buy guns you don't need!"
  • "Don't get killed!"
  • "I'm always happy to take your money!"
  • "Your cash ain't worth a thing if you don't spend it!"
  • "Check back later to see my new Weapon of the Day!"
  • "See you soon!"
  • "Always happy to do business with a Vault Hunter!"
  • "Tear the bad guys a new one, eh?"
  • "Later, Vault Hunter!"

Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon Keep

Welcome

  • "My kingdom for a gun!"
  • "Magic's no match for a well-aimed bullet!"
  • "Magic sucks! Go machinery!"
  • "Magic, schmagic! Nothing like a gun at your side!"
  • "Why choose an honorable weapon when you could buy a gun?"

Purchase

  • "Thanks for the gold!"
  • "You adventurers are great for business!"
  • "Ye olde cha-ching!"
  • "You're making my fantasy a reality!"
  • "You Vault Hunters always pay your debts!"

Bye

  • "Farewell!"
  • "Happy trails, adventurer!"
  • "If you've got gold, I've got treasures!"
  • "The night is long, and full of treasures!"
  • "See ya!"

Ammunition Vending Machine

Borderlands

  • "Don't let the Lance get the upper hand - get a better gun today!"
  • "The Crimson Lance got nothing on my weapons!"
  • "Your grenades should do more than just explode. Customize your grenades with a new MOD today."
  • "Going after the Vault? Better arm yourself with the best!"
  • "If you wanna get to the Vault first, you're gonna need to eliminate the competition."
  • "Who knows what you're gonna find in the Vault - make sure you're packin!"
  • "Just can't carry enough bullets for your favorite gun? Sounds like you need a Storage Deck Upgrade. Supplies limited."
  • "Teach those Lance guys a thing or two about firepower!"
  • "The Lance are the best armed-mercs out there - you need somethin' better!"
  • "It's hard to seek new opportunities with old equipment. Upgrade now."
  • "Always something new! Visit all our convenient locations."
  • "All the latest and greatest in high powered weaponry and gear sold right here for your convenience."
  • "Step right up! Best prices available on all weapons and gear."
  • "You won't find finer gear anywhere on the planet!"
  • "Remember - Marcus means quality at a great price!"
  • "Don't go with some gun you stripped off a dead bandit - get a Marcus weapon!"
  • "Whether you are killing bad guys or exploring the unknown, you need a trusty gun by your side."
  • "Only buy the best - if the Vault is real, you'll be able to afford it!"
  • "Don't know who to trust? You can always trust the gun at your side!"
  • "Remember - you can always count on Marcus for the best guns around!"
  • "In a world of no guarantees, you can always count on Marcus guns."
  • "Someone always has the upper hand - make sure it's you!"
  • "Encounter enough beasties out there, and you'll be happy you bought from the best!"
  • "Don't settle for anything less than the best!"
  • "Want to make a bigger boom? Buy a better MOD! I've got all kinds."
  • "You can't ever be too rich, too good looking, or too well-armed."
  • "Going up against a better-armed opponent? You need a better gun!"

The following quotes are anomalous in that they refer to items bought and sold from machines that are maintained by Dr. Zed rather than Marcus. Marcus may simply be encouraging his customers to keep themselves alive so they can continue to buy his products.

  • "A sniper without a Sniper COM, is just a guy with a gun. Find the COM that's right for you."
  • "COM's can improve accuracy, regenerate ammo, or even heal you. Get yours right here."
  • "Even the best gun jams once in a while, so make sure your shield is up to par!"
  • "Even the best gunman gets hit from time to time, so make sure your shield is up to par."
  • "The best defense is not a good offense...it's a good defense! So get yourself a shield!"

Borderlands 2 and Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel

Welcome

  • "Welcome to my humble shop!"
  • "Welcome, customer!"
  • "Let me know if anything catches your eye."
  • "You won't find better merchandise anywhere else! I've made sure of that."
  • "High quality, low prices, and no questions asked!"
  • "It's a fine day, full of opportunity!"
  • "A fantastic day for capitalism!"
  • "Feeling overburdened by money?"
  • "Let's just get this out of the way. Yes, most of my merchandise was ripped from the hands of dead adventurers."
  • "When you think murder, think Marcus Munitions!"

Purchase

  • "A pleasure as always!"
  • "Pleasure doing business!"
  • "Caveat emptor!"
  • "Lovely!"
  • "May it help you kill many things!"
  • "You're my millionth customer! Don't let it go to your head."
  • "Nothing like a good sale!"
  • "May it keep you safe in your travels!"
  • "Thanks for the scratch!"
  • "Nice to get back some of that money you stole from me."

Bye

  • "Come back anytime!"
  • "Farewell, friend!"
  • "I'm sure we'll be doing this again soon enough!"
  • "Tell your friends: Marcus Munitions!"
  • "Remember, we're always open!"
  • "Good luck!"
  • "Don't have TOO much fun!"
  • "Don't die, I need your business!"
  • "Goodbye, friend! If you shop anywhere else, I'll have you killed."
  • "Two words, my friend: no refunds."


Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon Keep

Welcome

  • "Can I interest you in some magic bullets?"
  • "My bullets aren't magic, but they ARE cheap!"
  • "Welcome to Ye Olde Bullet Emporium!"
  • "Coins for bullets, bullets for coins!"
  • "I am but a humble merchant, and these are my wares."

Purchase

  • "I'm sure that'll find a nice home in some orc's face."
  • "If guns are magic, consider that a mana potion."
  • "Don't put those all in one place!"
  • "That'll wreak some havoc!"
  • "You have chosen wisely, wise chosen one!"

Bye

  • "Ye olde goodbye!"
  • "Until we meet again!"
  • "I shall see you soon!"
  • "Watch out for those orcs!"
  • "Keep the bullets flying!"

Jakobs Vending Machine

  • "When it just needs to be dead, it needs to be a Jakobs."
  • "Jakobs. We know if you've got wood in your hand, you're happy."
  • "We at Jakobs still believe what our fathers taught us. Shoot for the head."
  • "A hundred rounds in the magazine? With a Jakobs, you'll only need one."
  • "Jakobs. Wood is where it's at."
  • "At Jakobs we believe that high damage equals high satisfaction."

Torgue Token Vendor

Welcome

  • "EXPLOOOOOSIONS! TORGUE!"
  • "BUY TORGUE OR YOU'RE STUPID!"
  • "TORGUE GUNS MAKE THINGS EXPLODE! END OF SALES PITCH!"
  • "Is something NOT exploding? Torgue guns will fix that!"
  • "Every single shot fired from a Torgue gun has the chance to explode. What the **** else do you need to know?!"
  • "TORGUE! Because subtlety is for ***HOLES!"
  • "Do not buy torgue guns if you are allergic to AWESOMENESS! Or poly-kryten plating."
  • "TORGUE! EXPLOSIONS! EXPLOSIONS! TORGUE!"
  • "If you don't love explosions, you're probably wearin' women's underwear! I'm just sayin'. Torgue!"
  • "Torgue weapons include everything good in the world. Death! Explosions! Quality workmanship! Explosions! A commitment to customer service and the undying FOR **** SAKE EXPLOSIOOOOONS!"

Purchase

  • "AW F*CK YEAH!"
  • "GODDAMN RIGHT!"
  • "(sick guitar riff)"
  • "MEEDLYMEEDLYMEEDLYMOWOWOWOWOWWWW!"
  • "CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE NOT A P*SSY!"
  • "NOW YOU'RE A BADASS!"
  • "THINGS ARE GONNA EXPLOOOOOODE!"
  • "THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO SEE!"
  • "THAT IS THE SMARTEST PURCHASE YOU EVER GODDAMN MADE!"
  • "THAT IS THE SMARTEST PURCHASE YOU HAVE EVER GODDAMN MADE!"
  • "KEEP BUYIN', MOTHERF*CKER!"
  • "YOU HAVE MADE ME PROUD!"

Leaving

  • "NOW BLOW SOME SH*T UP!"
  • "MOTHERF*CKIN' SEE YA!"
  • "TESTOSTERONE!"
  • "IF YOU DON'T COME BACK I'MA BE PISSED!"
  • "EXPLOSION NOISE! HERE!"
  • "EXPLOOOSIOOOOOOOOOOONS!"
  • "NOW GO PUNCH SOME BAD GUYS IN THE DICK!"
  • "THANKS FOR BROWSING OUR WARES, YOU BADASS MOTHERF*CKER!"
  • "TORGUE!"
  • "TOODLES!"