Surveillance recording

File type: Dahl brig

Subject: Interrogation of Staff Sergeant Axton

Unit designation: DHL76386 Sound of footsteps.

Sarah: Axton, the rest of the battalion ships out to Themis tomorrow, and I don't want you with us. Not as a soldier, and... not as a husband.

Axton: What? What the hell, Sarah --

Sarah: Remember Hestias? Instead of protecting the dignitary assigned to your command, you put a tracker on him, gave him to the enemy, tracked them to their base, and blew it up. With the dignitary still inside.

Axton: Yeah, which was awesome! You can't pretend that wasn't awesome.

Sarah: Demophon. Thrace. Tantalus. You've consistently prioritized personal glory over following orders. I don't need a soldier like that.

Axton: So what now? You gonna turn me over to the firing squad? Unless they've changed the rules on me, I'm pretty sure semper fi means 'forever.'

Sarah: You are correct. At 0900 tomorrow, the MPs will escort you to the brig where you will await your execution. As your commanding officer, I cannot officially suggest you go AWOL, tonight, and try your luck on the border planets.

Axton: Too bad. That would have been good advice. What's this?

Sarah: My wedding ring. You can keep it - I never liked diamonds.

Axton: Ouch.


Recording 1

Angel: Sir, I may have found another potential. He's a commando.

Handsome Jack: Oh, yeah? Where is he now?

Angel: ...He's been captured by bandits. They're, uh, torturing him.

Handsome Jack: Wow. I'm already impressed.

Angel: Just - listen.

Live audio stream begins.

Sound of Axton getting hit.

Axton: UNGHH!

J-Dog: What's that ring ya carryin', pretty boy?

Barrowman: Ooohohohoh. You got a wife? A pretty wife?

Axton: Ex-wife. You ain't her type - she prefers men who have more brain cells than teeth.

Barrowman: (exertion)

Sound of Axton getting hit.

Axton: OOF!

Barrowman: Tell me where she at. I'ma pay her a visit.

Axton: Doubtful. She's on Themis with the rest of the battalion.

J-Dog: Pahaha! You got a sweet piece of ass waitin' for ya back home - what the hell you doin' on Pandora, blad?

Axton: Getting to know the friendly locals.

Sound of Axton getting hit.

Axton: UNGHH!

Recording 2

J-Dog: You know what I fink? I fink soldier-boy's here to collect the bounty on us. And I fink he got paid in advance. Ain't that right?

Axton: Damn... you got me.

Barrowman: Where is it, you slag? Where's the money?

Sound of Axton getting hit.

Axton: UNGHH! Come on, guys - don't hold it against me. I just wanted to turn you idiots in and have the town you stole the money from chanting my name. Is that so much to ask for?

Sound of Axton getting hit.

Axton: OOF. Okay. Evidently it is.

J-Dog: Where's the bloody money?!

Axton: It's... it's in there.

Barrowman: What? This little box thing?

Axton: It's a storage deck unit. Just toss it on the ground and it'll... it'll open.

Barrowman: Fine.

Sound of Sabre Turret activating.

Axton: That was too easy.

J-Dog: That ain't no storage deck! What the HELL!

Sound of gunfire.

Axton: Ha-HA! Chew 'em up, turret!

Recording 3

Sound of Axton hauling bodies.

Axton: There you go, sheriff. Those are the guys who robbed your bank last week. I accept cash.

Sheriff Youngblood: Alright. Here's your ten thousand.

Axton: The warrant says twenty thousand.

Sheriff Youngblood: The warrant also specified 'alive.'

Axton: Fair enough.

Sheriff Youngblood: The hell you looking so sad for? You're still makin' more money than anyone around here'll see in six months?

Axton: Eh, it's not the money. It was just... easy, you know? Too easy.

Sheriff Youngblood: What'samatter - you didn't get enough glory in the military?

Axton: Oh, there was plenty of glory - just the kind that winds you up on this hellhole of a planet.

Cut to Handsome Jack and Angel.

Handsome Jack: Angel - are we hearing this live, right now?

Angel: Yes. Why--

Handsome Jack: --Get the Hyperion Truth Network on the line now.

Recording 4

Sheriff Youngblood: ...Nine thousand, ten thousand. There you go.

Axton: Thanks. You got any other morons you need brought in?

Sheriff Youngblood: Yep. We got the Stoke brothers, Gramma Lopez --

Radio turns on.

Hunter Hellquist: Are you hungry for excitement? Fame? Eternal glory?

Axton: Wait a minute - turn that up.

Hunter Hellquist: The Hyperion corporation needs YOUR help to search for the last alien Vaults on Pandora! See the world! Fight dangerous creatures! Get rich beyond your wildest dreams! Become a Vault Hunter today!

Axton: Hunh.

Sheriff Youngblood: You uh - you still wanna hear the rest of the bounties?

Axton: Nope. Sorry, Sheriff - I think I just found a new job.

Audio stream ends.

Handsome Jack: Ha ha! I'm brilliant! Am I-- am I brilliant? I'm brilliant.

Angel: The radio advertisement was a very nice touch, sir.

Handsome Jack: Thankya, Angel. Now do me a favor and put this Axton guy on the list, will you?

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