Loot Ninja/Transcript

(The Vault Hunters approach a man clad in golden armor around a bonfire)

Sir Gallow: Evil is on the loose! I recently felled a dragon, but could not find a SINGLE gun on its corpse. There is but one explanation: my colleagues are loot ninjas. You must eliminate them and return what they stole!

(Sir Boil is approached, taken offense to his colleague's bold claim)

Sir Boil: I stole nothing! Sir Gallow has gone mad! MAD, I say!

(His storate crate is opened)

Sir Boil: I shall not forgive this insult to my honor! Have at you!

(Once Sir Boil has been defeated)

Sir Gallow: Curious -- he carried no loot. He must not have been the loot ninja. Still, track the other down -- I will have my justice!  (The campsite of Sir Mash is approached)

Sir Mash: This is utter lunacy! I am no ninja of loot!

(Upon inspection of a nearby empty tent)

Sir Mash: I have no time for this! to arms!

(Sir Mash falls in battle, his body carrying no valuables)

Sir Gallow: Accursed luck -- he carried no loot either. Ah, well. It must the final member of my former posse who betrayed me. Of this, I am CERTAIN!

(Concealed by the mountains, the Vault Hunters find Sir Stew sparring with the rocks)

Sir Stew: I'M STEW!

(His treasure box is opened. Revealing a crude teddy bear, a can and a dead fish with a polka-dot ribbon)

Sir Stew: DIE!

Sir Gallow: LOOT NINJA! Die, HYPOCRITE!

(Upon Sir Stew's death)

Sir Gallow: What's this, then? He had no loot either? Curious. Nonetheless, you deserve a reward -- return to meeee! Return to me.

(Returning to Sir Gallow)

Sir Gallow: You're back -- let's get your reward, shall we? Shame about my former colleagues. If none of them were stealing the group's loot, I wonder who was.

Sir Gallow: You may have ONE item from this chest! ONE!

(Just as Sir Gallow approaches his chest, it transforms into a Mimic)

Sir Gallow: IT WAS THE CHEST ALL ALONG?1 OH, THE CRUEL IRONY!

Mr. Torgue: MAN, THAT QUEST WAS DARK AND IRONIC -- A TRUE LOOK INTO THE DUPLICITOUSNESS OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS! NOW COME SEE ME SO YOU CAN EXPLAIN WHAT THE HELL I JUST SAID!

'''(TURN IN)  Mr. Torgue:''' "DUPLICITOUSNESS"? WHO THE HELL TALKS LIKE THAT?!