Lost Legion Invasion/Transcript

(Missing some quotes and character-specific lines)

(Receiving mission reward from previous mission)

Jack: Alright, looks like you've got a shield. Pretty self-explanatory, really -- it'll eat bullets until it depletes. When it does, you've gotta hide and give it time to recharge.

Jack: Hey, just let me activate the defense controls. Few seconds, we'll have turrets, force fields, laser wires - these assholes won't know what hit 'em.

Computer: Critical failure. Helios defense systems are being jammed.

Jack: What?! How?!

Computer: Jamming signal originates from Elpis, Pandora's moon.

(Turrets descend)

Jack: Oh crap. Kill the turrets! KILL THE TURRETS!

(After destroying turrets)

Jack: Alright, plan B! If we can't take Helios back, we need to evacuate! Escape ships are this way!

Zarpedon: We MUST take this ground!

Athena (if present): Who's this woman?

Jack (if Athena present): I, uh -- she leads these jackasses, I think? I dunno. But the first person to shoot her in the head gets a high five and a turbomansion.

Jack: Alright, let me get this door - the escape ships are nearby.

(Opening door)

Jack: Ohhhh, son of a taint.

(Escape ships are shot and Zarpedon's mech lands)

Jack: Hey, it's that Colonel! Execute plan-shoot-that-chich-in-the-head!

Zarpedon: Hello, Jack.

(Intro cutscene - Colonel T. Zarpedon)

(Jack shoots towards Zarpedon)

Alien: (blocking bullets) Uh uh uh, Naughty.

(Intro cutscene - ?????: ...?)

Jack: Okay, that's unnerving. RUN! Aw, perfect, she destroyed the ships! We gotta find another way off the station.

Athena (if present): I've never seen a creature like that. What was it?

Jack (if Athena present): Uh, no idea, but I get the feeling it could kill us with its brain, so y'know, uh, keep running!

Tassiter (through ECHO): Jack, what the hell is going on? I'm getting reports of alarms all over Helios.

Jack: Uh, nothing, sir, everything's fine. Just, uh -- one of the Claptrap units tried to french kiss a light socket. Sir.

Tassiter: Need I remind you tha you are there to observe Pandora, nothing more! If you incur any damages to the Helios Space Station, I will personally --

Jack (mimicking poor signal): --Ahhh, (kzzt) sorry sir, we're (kzzt) losing connection, I can't... sor...

Jack: Asshole.

Tassiter. We will speak again, John.

(Entering outside)

Jack: There's Elpis. That friggin' jamming signal is somewhere down on that cracked rock, messing up all the cool security stuff up here.

[missing line?]

Zarpedon: I want this station, and I want to save the universe.

Jack: The hell's that supposed to mean? We just wanna leave, you jerkasses!

[missing lines?]

Jack: Okay, well, I've got a stupid idea -- we're gonna head to that Moonshot Cannon. Follow me!

Athena (if present): What's this "Moonshot Cannon" we're heading toward?

Jack (if Athena present): Basically a huge gun that shoots supplies down to the moon's surface like at about a thousand miles an hour. We're gonna get in one of containers and escape that way.

Athena (if present): Will we survive that?

Jack: I dunno. Be a pretty cool way to die, though, huh?

Zarpedon: They're at the Moonshot Cannon! Move in!

Lilith: You had no idea why these Dahl guys wanted Jack dead?

Athena: I had suspicions. Money. Revenge. That said, who ever needed a response out here?

(Cutscene: Lost Legion soldiers jumping from ledge)

Flame Knuckle: Be cleansed with heat!

Jack: Uh... kill that guy, I guess?

(Intro cutscene - Flame Knuckle: KILL THIS GUY)

(End cutscene)

Jack: SON OF A TAINT! Kill the burny guy! Kill the burny guy!

(Killing Flame Knuckle)

Jack: Man. That guy really likes fire. Elevator's over there. Let's go.

Brick: [comment about how exciting Athena's story seems]

Mordecai: Yeah. Our story just began with is getting off a bus. This sounds all explosive and stuff.

Lilith: Stop complimenting the prisoner.

(Approaching the elevator)

Jack: We can get in the moonshot up there. Let me get the elevator. Dammit, something's jamming the elevator up there. Gotta figure something out... Alright, weird idea, uh -- let me work the loading terminal.

(Moonshot cylinder lowered)

Jack: Alright, you get into the moonshot cylinder and ride it up. Ooh, watch your step, that'll be a hell of a fall. Hold on -- I'm gonna spin the cylinder.

Jack: Did you make it up there? Free up the elevator so I can join you.

Jack (if elevator not immediately fixed): Hey man, is everything okay up there?/Something's blocking the elevator -- get rid of it so I can join you!

(Seeing FIX loader stuck in elevator)

Jack: Yeesh, he got wedged in tight. Eh, no big deal, though, they can't feel pain. Just bash him outta there. Ugh, these loaders bum me out -- no wonder Dahl took over us so easily. I need more soldiers. Badasses. Like you.

[missing quotes?]

Dahl Soldier: The greed of Hyperion shall not --

Jack: Somebody's gotta stay back and launch the pods manually. I'd suggest [Vault Hunter], but I need you on Elpis. You're the only person I can trust to save this space station.

Athena (if present): Roger. I'll find a way to save Helios. You wouldn't have died in vain. If you die.

Jack: Alright, new plan: I'll stay behind. I need you down on the moon -- you gotta find that jamming signal and shut it down. Otherwise, we'll never get control of the moonbase and we can kiss that Vault goodbye.

Athena (if present): You're staying? You'll likely die.

Jack: Eh, you saved my life a couple of times, I'm repaying the favor. Besides, I'm a hero, baby -- self-sacrifice is a part of the job.

Jack: Oh good, a health machine. I had one put in here after a worker had an accident and, uh... lost his torso. Better heal up before your trip down to the moon, heh-heh! Might wanna grab some ammo, too. Supply's over here. We need to get a moonshot container up here -- normally we'd load some supplies, but this time, you're the cargo.

(Lowering a container)

Jack: Okay, this container oughtta do the trick! So, the container's all ready, just get into it.

Athena (if present): Does this container have restraints, or -- It does not. Great.

Jack: Yeah -- I'll see you after you shut down that jamming signal!

(Entering the container)

Jack: Cool, I'm closing the container. Watch your limbs. Loading you into the delivery chamber. This is gonna be LOUD. And slightly awesome.

Lilith: You're telling me Jack -- Handsome Jack, the guy who MURDERED my boyfriend -- stayed behind while you escaped?

Mordecai: Like. Hell.

Athena: Whether his decision was heroic or purely strategic, I can't say. But if Jack hadn't stayed behind to eject the pod, I might well have died on Helios.

Brick: Pff. Your story is making Handsome Jack kinda sympathetic. I hate it.

Jack: Alright, we're ready to fire! Whenever you're ready, I'll shoot you to Concordia -- it's the biggest town on Elpis. I know someone there who can help you find that jamming signal.

(Cutscene: Assault on Control Center)

Lost Legion Soldier: There he is! Open fire!

Jack: Oh, crap. *ejects Moonshot pod*

(A woman on Elpis sees Helios being bombarded with explosions, followed by a fiery moonshot to her location. She investigates the pod.)

(End cutscene)

Springs: Hello? Hello? Hello, thought you might be salvage. You're about to die. You okay? Well, I can answer that -- you're not okay. The second you open this door, all the oxygen is gonna vent and you're gonna suffocate. It'll hurt a lot and your eyes will pop like grapes when the pressure differential gets too harsh. So, here's my plan: when you're ready, open the door and follow me to my oxygen bubble. Sound good? Don't answer. Conserve your oxygen.

(Intro cutscene - Janey Springs: Black marketer. Heart of gold.)

(Traversing Elpis)

Springs: This way! Don't think about the grapes thing!

Springs: Here, I'll turn on this Air Dome Generator so you can get a breather!

Springs: Nearly there! It'd be embarrassing if you died now.

(Reaching shelter)

Springs: Everybody good? Nice to meet ya. I'm Janey Springs, junk dealer. Who're you?

Athena (if present): I'm Athena.

Springs (if Athena present): Well, Heeellooo.

Springs: So what are you doing here?

Athena (if present): We need to get back to Helios Station, but we can't until we take down a jamming signal somewhere on this moon.

Springs: A jamming signal? Haven't noticed anything like that. You might wanna get to Concordia -- little citty run by a fella called "The Merrif". Gotta be somebody there who can help you. You'll need an O2 kit -- "Oz kits", we call 'em -- to survive the journey, though. I've got some broken ones stashed nearby, but I can repair 'em for you. Even if you ain't the breathing type, you'll be glad you've got an Oz kit. Head to these coordinates and clear the place out.

(Approaching building)

Springs: That building used to be in one piece, and not lava-adjacent -- 'till the Crackening, anyway.

(Failing to open locked building)

Springs: Oh, I forgot I locked it. Whoops. Just punch off the locks with your meathunks. That's moon for "hands".

(Entering buildings)

Springs: Could you kill all those baddies for me, too? Not excited about being mauled again.

(Collecting kits)

Springs: Voila! One Oz kit. Great for breathin' double jumpin' and slammin' enemies. Now, to repay me for saving your life, you're gonna end someone else's. His name's Deadlife, he's nearby, and he's an asshole. He's also got something I'll need us to get into Concordia.