The Hunger Pangs /Transcript

'''(Once the ticket is bought)  Mr. Torgue:''' WILL THE VAULT HUNTER BE ABLE TO DEFEAT THE UNBEATABLE, THE DELICIOUS, THE RAVENOUS WATTLE GOBBLER? LET'S FIND OUT!

(Entering the Studio of AWESOME!!!)

Mr. Torgue: BUT FIRST, I'M INTERVIEWING THE ONLY TORGUE CONTESTANT TO SURVIVE A SHOWDOWN WITH THE GOBBLER!

Mr. Torgue: QUESTION TIME! HOW ARE YOU DOIN' WHATS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR DID YOU EVER SEE THE ONE MOVIE ABOUT THE DOG WHO PLAYED BASKETBALL WHEN DID YOU HAVE YOUR FIRST KISS DID YOU EVER SEE THE SEQUEL TO THE DOG BASKETBALL MOVIE WHERE THE DOG WENT TO SPACE AND IF SO WHICH OF THE TWO DO YOU PREFER?

Contestant: MMPH!

Mr. Torgue:  AWESOME! ANOTHER QUESTION! HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT MY FACIAL HAIR?

Contestant: MMMRPH, MRPHHMRPHMRRH!

Mr. Torgue: THANK YOU! HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE VAULT HUNTER'S CHANCES AGAINST THE RAVENOUS WATTLE GOBBLER? WILL THE WIN? WILL THEY DIE? YOUR THOUGHTS!

[The contestant whimpers]

Mr. Torgue: YOU DON'T SOUND CONFIDENT! FURTHER QUESTIONS! WHO IS THE MOST ATTRACTIVE PERSON ON PANDORA?

Contestant: MMMHHRFHRMRPH! [muffled sobs]

Mr. Torgue: THAT'S AN AWFUL THING TO SAY! ELLIE'S LIKE A TEN! TRY EXPANDING YOUR DEFINITION OF BEAUTY, YOU CHUMP!

Contestant: MMRRFHRRFMHR MRRPH!

Mr. Torgue: NO! I'M DONE TALKING TO YOU! YOUR GRASP ON BODY POLITICS IS LACKING AT BEST!

(Torgue proceeds to detonate the contestant's chair)

Mr. Torgue: OH, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE OUTTA TIME! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR!

(Torgue talked to onstage)

Mr. Torgue: HEY! GET OVER HERE SO I CAN WHISPER SOME THINGS TO YOU IN SECRET!

(Backstage curtains open, following Torgue to the studio's kitchen.)

Mr. Torgue: [whispering] Real talk: the Gobbler fight is rigged! The Torgue Board of Directors made the Gobbler unbeatable so it'd eat all the contestants and get us a buncha hits on the ECHOnet. But I don't WANT YOU TO DIE CAUSE YOU'RE COOL, OH CRAP I'M NOT WHISPERING ANYMORE MY BAD.

Mr. Torgue: You gotta get into the kitchen, kill everybody and poison the Gobbler's food. Once the poison takes effect, you can kill him. Also I want him dead so I can EAT HIM. He looks DELICIOUS!

(Upon entrance to La Cocina de los Diablos)

Mr. Torgue: AAAND WE'RE BACK! THE VAULT HUNTER'S IN THE KITCHEN! BUT TODAY THERE'S A NEW ITEM ON THE MENU: MURDER! VAULT HUNTER: KILL THE CHEFS!

(Chefs subdued)

President Smith: Anton Smith here, president of the Torgue corporation. You'd do well to ignore Torgue's instructions if you wish to stay alive.

Mr. Torgue: WITH THE CHEFS DEAD, WE CAN PREPARE OUT OWN MEAL FOR THE GOBBLER! GET TO THE FREEZER!

(Freezer door reached)

Mr. Torgue: DAMN, THAT DOOR'S LOCKED! LET ME ACTIVATE MY REMOTE LOCKPICKING PROGRAM!

(A TorgueVision camera flies close to the door and beeps before detonating)

Mr. Torgue: LOCKPIIIIICK! MEEDLYMOWWWW!

President Smith: We do not allow contestants in the meat locker. Leave at once.

Mr. Torgue: WE GOTTA CHOOSE SOME MEAT FOR THE GOBBLER'S MEAL! TUG ON THE TASTIEST LOOKIN' SKAG CORPSES!

Mr. Torgue: THIS IS TOTALLY GONNA GET ME FIRED AND I DON'T CARE.

(Second skag tugged)

Mr. Torgue: MY MOUTH IS WATERING!

(Before the third skag could be reached, its meat hook is raised and a temporal force field protects Glasspool and William, Tributes of Wurmwater)

President Smith: I don't know what you're planning, but I don't like it. Tributes: get the Vault Hunter out of my kitchen!

(Tributes killed)

Mr. Torgue: HOT DIGGITY ****!

Mr. Torgue: THOSE DUDES DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE! YOU ALMOST FEEL BAD FOR THEM BUT THEN YOU START LAUGHING BECAUSE YOU WERE TECHNICALLY ACTING IN SELF-DEFENSE SO SCREW THEM! VIOLENCE DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR ALL THE THINGS IT DOES.

(Third skag tugged)

Mr. Torgue: NOW TO GRIND UP THE MEAT! GET TO THE KITCHEN!

President Smith: Torgue! As president, I demand to know why the hell the Vault Hunter is running around backstage!

Mr. Torgue: JUST TRYIN' TO MIX THINGS UP!

President Smith: Your job is not to "mix things up". Your job is to flex your muscles and do air guitar solos, idiot!

Mr. Torgue: WORDS CAN HURT.

(Grinder button reached)

Mr. Torgue: LET'S GET A-GRINDIN'

(Button pressed)

Mr. Torgue: GRIND, GRINDER!

(All skags processed)

Mr. Torgue: DELICIOUS! WE'RE NEARLY DONE PREPARING THE GOBBLER'S MEAL! WITH THE MEAT PREPARED, WE ONLY NEED ONE MORE INGREDIENT: DEADLY POISON! HEAD TO THE STABBER JABBER NESTS!

(Door to the Explodin Loadin Docks reached. It's locked.)

Mr. Torgue: I RAN OUT OF EXPLOSIVES, SO I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO OPEN THIS DOOR REMOTELY WITHOUT BLOWING IT UP!

(Two bundles of dynamite drop from the ceiling air duct.)

Mr. Torgue: PSYCHE!

(Once outside)

President Smith: You know you're following an idiot, yes? Torgue created his explosive gun tech, then sold it to us for twelve dollars and a high five. We kept him on purely for PR reasons, but you've both outlived your usefulness. Tribute? Kill.

(Axel and Rose, Tributes of Opportunity engage the Vault Hunter. A fence gate traps them.)

(The Vault Hunter kills the tributes and approaches the gate. An explosive barrel rises from the nearby elevator)

Mr. Torgue: WHEN GOD CLOSES A DOOR, I BLOW IT THE **** UP!

Mr. Torgue: HEY, MAKE SURE TO GET A SLAG WEAPON ON THE WAY!

(Stabber Jabber nests found)

Mr. Torgue: SMACK THE JABBER NESTS TO WAKE 'EM UP!

(A swift impact to the nests wakes the rest of the hive, rising from the underground)

Mr. Torgue: ALRIGHT, NOW SLAG THE JABBER.

(Jabber slagged)

Mr. Torgue: KILL IT BEFORE THE SLAG WEARS OFF.

(Upon pickup of the first jabber poison gland)

Mr. Torgue: TANNIS TOLD ME A SINGLE SLAGGED JABBER GLAND WOULD BE ENOUGH TO KILL A MONSTER THE SIZE OF A PLANET. SO GET A FEW MORE!

(Second poison gland recovered)

Mr. Torgue: KEEP GRABBING GLANDS! I WANT THE MONSTER FULL OF POISON BECAUSE POISON IS SPICY AND SPICY FOOD IS LIKE AN EXPLOSION BUT FOR YOUR MOUTH.

(All poison glands collected)

Mr. Torgue: WOO! YOU GOT ALL THE GLANDS! NOW POP 'EM INTO THE GOBBLER'S DINNER AND YOU'LL BE READY TO FIGHT HIM!

President Smith: Why do you insist on being a moron, Torgue? This is why you lost a controlling share of your own company. I knew I should've killed you when I had the chance.

(Back into the kitchen)

Mr. Torgue: NOW ADD THE POISON GLANDS TO THE MARINATION VAT!

(Poison glands added to the vat)

Mr. Torgue: HIT THE BUTTON TO MARINATE THE **** OUTTA THAT MEAL

(A purple slurry liquid coats the remains of the skags)

Mr. Torgue: THE MEAL'S ALMOST READY -- LET'S GET COOKING! START THE CONVEYOR OF COOKERY!

(Oven ready, the skag meat slowly turning a crispy gold color.)

President Smith: That's it -- you've gone off-script too many times, Torgue! Today's meal is CANCELED! Chefs! Shut down that oven!

Mr. Torgue: WE CAN'T STOP NOW! PROTECT THE OVEN! I SWEAR BY MY ABDOMINAL MUSCLES, I WILL EAT THE RAVENOUS WATTLE GOBBLER!

[If wandering too far from the oven's button] Mr. Torgue: DON'T LET THE CHEFS NEAR THE OVEN OR THEY'LL SWITCH IT OFF!

[If the oven is shut down] Mr. Torgue: RESTART THE OVEN! I WILL NOT SERVE LUKEWARM FOOD!

(The oven is finished baking the skag pie)

Mr. Torgue: FOOD'S DONE! GO GET IT!

(Upon pressing the Gobbler's meal hook button)

Mr. Torgue: MY TASTEBUDS ARE AFLAME WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND NUCLEAR BOMBS! MY MOUTH IS WATERING SO MUCH, YOU COULD DROWN A SMALL VILLAGE IN MY CHEEKS! THE TASTEPOCALYPSE IS UPON US!

(As the hook raises the pie, the Vault Hunter makes their way into the tribute elevators.)

President Smith: If you kill that Gobbler, Torgue, it'll be your last meal. The board of directors and I can guarantee that.

(Elevator button pressed. Moment of respite before engaging the Ravenous Wattle Gobbler)

President Smith: You know why we made the Gobbler invincible, Torgue? So YOU could kill him. After dozens of failed attempts by other contestants. YOU were supposed to finally kill it on camera, while wielding our most EXPENSIVE guns. You would have looked like a hero!

Mr. Torgue: WHY BE A HERO WHEN YOU COULD EAT ONE?

(small pause)

President Smith: You are the dumbest person in the world.

(Upon entrance to the Grove of the Gobbler)

President Smith: I've paid several other contestants to kill you if the Gobbler can't, Vault Hunter. You and Torgue will pay for your idiocy.

Mr. Torgue: HERE COMES THE RAVENOUS WATTLE GOBBLER!

Mr. Torgue: WE'VE REPLACED THIS CREATURE'S NORMAL FOOD WITH POISON. LET'S SEE IF HE NOTICES!

(The gobbler eats the skag pie in a matter of seconds)

Mr. Torgue: HE TOOK THE BAIT! NOW JUST DON'T DIE UNTIL THE POISON TAKES EFFECT!

(The Tributes begin combat)

Mr. Torgue: WATTLE GOBBLEEEEEEER!

(The [Actually] Invincible Ravenous Wattle Gobbler becomes The Vulnerable Ravenous Wattle Gobbler)

President Smith: No, you idiotic mercs -- don't shoot the Gobbler, shoot the Vault Hunter!

Mr. Torgue: THE POISON'S WORKING! IT'S WORKING!

Mr. Torgue: THE GOBBLER IS KILLABLE! LET THE TASTEPOCALYPSE BEGIN!

'''(After some time during the fight)  President Smith:''' This is your last chance, Torgue. Call this off or you're out of the company!

Mr. Torgue: WHATEVER! I'LL JUST WORK FOR MOXXI AND BLOW THINGS UP PRO-BONER!

(Upon defeat, The Ravenous Wattle Gobbler does a dramatic death spin and collapses before exploding into chunky chicken nuggets)

Mr. Torgue: I AM GONNA EAT THE **** OUTTA THIS THING! NAPKINS MAY OR MAY NOT BE INVOLVED!

President Smith: You just disobeyed a direct order from your president, Torgue. You're dead.

Mr. Torgue: I'M SO SCARED! I KNOW YOU CAN'T TELL CAUSE OF THE TONE OF MY VOICE, BUT THAT WAS SARCASTIC! ANYWAY COME BACK!

(The Vault Hunter drops back down into the studio, greeted with a congratulatory guitar solo and a cheering audience. Confetti starts dropping.)

Mr. Torgue: THE VAULT HUNTER WIIIIIINS!

Mr. Torgue: WOOOOOOHOOOOHOOOOOO! WOOOO!

Mr. Torgue: MEEDLYMOWWOWWWOWWWOWWWOOOOWWWW! OWW!

(Upon turning the quest in)

Mr. Torgue: TODAY, I AM THANKFUL FOR BIG-ASS MONSTERS AND THE MERCENARIES WHO EXPLODE THEM! IT ALMOST BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE BUT YOU HOLD IT BACK CAUSE YOU DON'T WANNA LOOK LIKE A WUSS BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE REAL BADASSES CRY TOO.