Wherefore Art Thou?/Transcript

(Accept mission)

Myron: My beloved wife went for a drive hours ago but hasn't returned. She's still out there, lost in the darkness, perhaps worse. Find my Deirdre, return her to my waiting arms. I'm sending her last known location to your ECHO device. To think of my delicate petal being roughly manhandled by a bunch of roving thugs... or eaten by wild creatures! I beseech you -- and I've never beseeched before -- find her!

(Approach car)

Myron: Oh, that looks like her car! Please, search it with all the alacrity you can muster!

(Pick up ECHO)

Deirdre (on ECHO): Myron my love, I'm trapped in the wreckage of our car and surrounded by evil bandits! If you get this message, forget me, live free! Goodbyeee!

Myron: How awful! I espy no body -- perhaps Deirdre yet draws breath and was merely taken to the bandit settlement nearby. I'll mark the location on your ECHO. Please, Vault Hunter, find my sweet love, be she beneath the stars or within the heavens!

(Printing Error ECHO)

(Dahl designer Tobias Teitelbaum notices a printing error. And is ignored.)

Tobias: Uh, yeah, uh... this is Tobias Teitelbaum from the design department. the printing came back for the O2 kits. The color's really coming through well -- I adore the contrast -- but, the font's not the one I ordered. It looks more like it says Oz Kit... Well, that's up to you. If it was my money I'd get the whole lot re-done, it ruins it. Yes, they still work -- Hello? Hello?

(End ECHO)

(Approach Deirdre)

Deirdre: Whoah! What's the big idea, killing my men?! And is that my ECHO message? Myron sent you, didn't he? He seems kinda sweet, but the guy's scary crazy. I mean, I wake in the night and he's staring at me. I go see friends and he follows me. When he wanted our anniversary to be a suicide pact, I KNEW I had to escape. So I cooked up my dramatic death.


 * Athena (if present): Killing Myron sounds like the most efficient course of action.
 * Wilhelm (if present): Just kill Myron.
 * Nisha (if present): Why don't you just kill the creep?
 * Claptrap (if present): Uh, why don't you just kill him?
 * Jack2 (if present): Y'know, you could just... KILL Myron.
 * Aurelia (if present): Orrr you could kill him.

Deirdre: Nah -- Myron's got a huge family, they'd come after me. I've got a plan, Vault Hunter. It's nutty, but should convince Myron I'm one totally dead wife. Will you help?


 * Athena (if present): Sure. Sounds like a worthwhile mission.
 * Wilhelm (if present): Pay me and I'm in.
 * Nisha (if present): Ugh! I hate guys like that, count me in.
 * Claptrap (if present): I'm programmed to never refuse a damsel in distress!
 * Jack2 (if present): Listen, if it gets that whack-job off your case, I'm all yours.
 * Aurelia (if present): I've no patience for men like that. I'm in.

Deirdre: If Myron's going to leave me alone, he has to think I'm dead. So we're going to kill me -- well, my evil twin Maureen. Myron doesn't know about her and she's as loco as he is! Maureen's an escaped con hiding out nearby. Find her, kill her, then show her body to Myron. Simple, huh?

Deirdre: You still here? Get going!

Deirdre: Seriously, my death won't stage itself you know. Off you pop!

(Approach Maureen)

Deirdre: There she is! She's making a run for it! Get her!

Maureen: Sure, I bugged your new base, but I trusted you, D! You're so getting murderized when you least expect it!

(Kill Maureen)

Maureen: Urrrgghhh!

Myron: Alas -- 'tis my Deirdre. Dead and departed. Well then, I shall join you, my love. Fear not -- we shall enter the vast dark portal together! My wings beat towards you in the abyss!

Deirdre: Whoa! Talk about two psycho birds with one stone! We just cleaned up the universe a bit, Vault Hunter! Come on back for your reward.

(Turn in)

Deirdre: Thanks for killing my psycho sister. I can sleep far easier knowing her and Myron aren't around anymore.