The Oddest Couple/Transcript

Vault Hunter approaches the bunker ...

Marcus: "Whatchu want?" Crazy Earl: "HEY! That's my line! Get away from that door!" Marcus: "Ugh. I thought I could handle living with this guy but -- HEY! What do you think you're doing?" Crazy Earl: "WHATCHU WANT?! 'Cause I ain't got nothin'. Quit rubbin' it in!" Marcus: "Psst. Vault Hunter. I finagled a spot in Earl's bunker because I'm not messing around with crazy-pants gas that turns people into plant-monsters. But he doesn't have any food! You will assist me. Go get me some food, and you know you will be handsomely rewarded." Marcus: "Ech. I don't even know what this guy eats, but there's half a car in here for some reason. And the eridium! Bah. It's valuable, sure, but it's like living inside a purple discotheque in here. I can't even sleep!"

Vault Hunter acquires first canned pizza ...

Crazy Earl: "Told you once, you sumbitch! Quit yer whingin' or GIT OUT! Don't make me fork you in the testiculars!" Marcus: "It occurs to me now that I may not have thought this all the way through."

Vault Hunter acquires second canned pizza ...

Crazy Earl: "Keep yer damn feet off the damn car!" Marcus: "Who are you, my mother?! Get off my case." Crazy Earl: "Oh, I'll be your momma alright!" Marcus: "What does that even mean?" Crazy Earl: "It don't hafta mean NOTHIN'! This is MY HOUSE!"

Vault Hunter acquires third canned pizza ...

Crazy Earl: "This. Is. Untenable. UNTENABLE!" Marcus: "Oooh, look at the fancy man and his fancy words! What? You think you're better than me?!" Crazy Earl: "I ain't thinkin', I'm KNOWIN'! Yer nothin' but a capitalist pig-dog!" Marcus: "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me! Maybe I'll just kill you and TAKE your stupid bunker." Crazy Earl: "I heard that! You try it an' I'll eat your friggin heart a'fore it stops beatin'!"

Vault Hunter acquires fourth canned pizza ...

Marcus: "That should do for a while. Bring them to me." Crazy Earl: "Where'd you put the cheese grater?!" Marcus: "We don't even HAVE any cheese!" Crazy Earl: "That's asides the point!" Marcus: "What the hell is wrong with this guy?"

Vault hunter brings food to Marcus ...

Marcus: "Ahh, good. At least I won't starve. But now, I need to protect my food from outsiders! And also Earl. Bring me a gun. Something big! Like a rocket launcher, to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies. And also Earl." Crazy Earl: "I ain't afeard of nothin'! 'Cept cotton balls. Hate them things!"

Vault Hunter goes to the nearby weapons vendor and picks up a rocket launcher.

Crazy Earl: "I hate this little wet-pants crybaby! I want outta this set-up, you hear?! Do me a solidify and beat up on one of his machines!"

''Vault Hunter destroys the weapons vendor. Marcus runs out of the bunker ...''

Marcus: "What the hell is going on out there?! My machine! My poor baby machine!" Crazy Earl: "Ha! Finally got rid of ya! Annnd STAY GONE!" Marcus: ''"Agh. What's done is done, I guess. (sigh) To be honest, I'm a bit relieved to be out of there. The whole place smelled like cat pee. But there were no cats!" "Besides, I can't stay mad at you! You're still my best customer."''

Vault Hunter turns in the mission.

Crazy Earl: "Hey, thanks! Knew you were probably good for somethin'. Also, leave me alone! Now that I got me some privacy I got, uh... things to do."