Talk:Engorge



Announcer: "Are you tired of shooting a carbine when you really want a rifle? Do you ever feel like you are just firing blanks? Do the ladies in your life find your gun a little short on firepower? You need ENGORGE! by Atlas! You'll be firing automatically, fully-automatic, on all cylinders!"

Dirk Smallwood: "Dirk Smallwood here for ENGORGE! The Atlas Corporation has asked me, the world famous vault hunter, to tell you about ENGORGE! These are the best suppositories I have ever used!"

Joe Gamerski: "These are the coolest, most expensive MTG counters ever. In the whole galaxy!"

Father O'Callahan: "Aye, 'tis a fair fine Sabbath morn' when i use Engorge to purify me Holy Water."

Jethro Shedd: "Steve and I luv these lil' green wondurthz. Heyoo-OOOH!!"

General Knoxx: "i had my secre-friendly order up a pallet of this stuff. uh, for r & d purposes only, of course."

Side effects (which are really nothing and totally not even worth mentioning)
Announcer: "ENGORGE! may not be for everyone. Most men (2%) tolerate using ENGORGE! well, especially when compared with prisoners of war of comparable size and weight. However, like all drugs, ENGORGE! can produce some notable side effects, all of which are probably really, really terrific and nothing that anyone should be concerned about, let alone notify any medical regulatory commission about. Most side effects of ENGORGE!, or their sufferers, are usually short-lived, and are rarely so fatal that the remains can no longer be identified, provided good dental records are available. Some known side effects are:


 * Respiratory system: Shortness of breath, longness of breath, kinetic balloon-like lung expansion, really geeky laughs.


 * Digestive system: Explosive diaherrea, upset stomach; bitter, withdrawn stomach, prehensile colon, achy butt; shiny, valuable feces composed of aluminum and studded with diamonds and sapphire.


 * Eyes/senses: Everything you think you see becomes a Tootsie Roll to you, night vision, taste hallucinations (where everything tastes 'gamey' or 'oakey'), inability to distinguish the colors 'taupe' and 'putty'; sudden enjoyment of really bad music, like Kenny G or some crap; thinking everything is so damn funny all the time.


 * Muscular/Skeletal: ENGORGE! can cause a real live skeleton to be walking around inside you, buttock muscles to mirror the actions of the jaw muscles, magnetization of the ribcage, and musical spine disorder (MSD).


 * Skin: Might turn blue, wither, and fall off. Or just get really thick and spongy (muppet-like).


 * Other: Loss of sexual desire and/or desirability, sexual nightmares, sleep crime, rising of the lights, the vapors, the willies, susceptibility to wedgies, no rhythm, dresses for shit, and can't hold a job to save your life, blue sweats, symptoms that look like scurvy, but louder, and the compulsion to address everyone nearby as "Cap'n."

WARNING: In a small number of tested cases (84%) ENGORGE! was found to cause abdominal wall muscle breakdown coupled with spasmodic activity in lower back/spinal muscles, resulting in most users violently bending forward like a book slamming shut. Also, ENGORGE! can contribute to developing inhumanly powerful tongue muscles, capable of licking through steel. If, after taking ENGORGE! for a period of four to six weeks, you still have any functioning lymph nodes remaining, double the dosage every two (2) days until they are all gone.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR WOMEN

Pregnant women, or women who plan to become pregnant, should avoid exposure to / or handling of ENGORGE!. Women considering some day becoming pregnant, who have ever been pregnant, who have had a pregnant friend or pet, or who have seen other pregnant women, naked or otherwise, should also follow these precautions: Do not handle ENGORGE! tablets, containers, or related literature. If an ENGORGE! product nears your field of vision, avert your eyes. Try not to say the word "ENGORGE!." If you do happen to pronounce the syllables, spit thrice and soak your hands in iodine. If you hear the words spoken, live or via recorded medium, cover your ears and immediately see a specialist to try and staunch the bleeding. Try not to think too hard about ENGORGE!. In fact, don't ever even think about it at all. Pretend you never heard of ENGORGE!, and never will. Turn off your computer immediately, and get the hell out of here as fast as you fucking can. Go on, get out of here. You'll thank me.

If you should be aware of a pregnant woman who has handled ENGORGE!, attempt to warn the peoples of Pandora of the mind-numbing horror that is about to unfold. Also, drink plenty of liquids."

Announcer: "This light-cycle bring an empty bottle of ENGORGE! to the Giant Bullet for half-price admission! Ask your doctor about ENGORGE! and start satisfying the woman you could never attain before! NOW! ENGORGE!!!"