A Train to Catch/Transcript

Roland: Meet me back at Sanctuary. I've got a plan to stop Jack, but it won't work without you.

Angel: You saved Roland! This planet's been waiting for a hero like you. Thank godness Jack didn't send Wilhelm.

(Back at the Crimson Raiders HQ in Sanctuary ...)

Lilith: How the hell did those bandits snag you, anyway?

Roland: Uh... I was taking a leak and one of 'em knocked me out.

Lilith: Wow. You are a dumbass.

Roland: Yeah... I, uh... yeah, heh. Total dumbass.

Lilith: I was joking, dude. I'm happy to see you.

Roland: Oh, uh. Thanks.

Lilith: This is where you say you're happy to see me, too.

Roland: Oh, uh. Right. I, uh -- it's good to see you?

Lilith: Smooth.

Roland: Handsome Jack is gonna kill us all unless you can stop him.

Lilith: He means hi. That's his way of saying hi.

Roland: Right, sorry. Hi. I'll be honest, soldier: we're losing this war. We've been trying to stop Jack for years -- taking out his men, raiding his Eridium mines -- but it hasn't been enough. But you... you met Jack and lived. You fought off the Rippers AND the Bloodshots, saved my ass and Lilith's...

Lilith: Thanks, by the way.

Roland: If we're going to survive this, we need your help, Vault Hunter. Now, we thought Jack wanted to open a Vault and use its power to wipe us off Pandora, but, thanks to some intel I stole from a Hyperion convoy, I found out... we were wrong.

Lilith: What?

Roland: He's not going to open a Vault. He's going to control it.

Lilith: I'll just go ahead and repeat myself, what?

Roland: The Vault Jack's looking for isn't an alien prison, or a cache of weapons. It's a living thing. An ancient Eridian warrior, powerful enough to destroy all life on Pandora. Whoever awakens it, gets to control it.

Lilith: That sounds... bad.

Roland: If Jack wakes the Warrior, yeah. But if we control the Warrior first...

Lilith: We could use it to wipe Hyperion off the map. Alright, I'm likin' this plan.

Roland: There's a problem. We need the Vault Key to wake the Warrior. And Jack's already got it. But, if you've spoken to Tannis...

Lilith: She didn't vomit when she saw you, did she? She does that, sometimes.

Roland: ... she might've told you the Key needs to be charged with Eridium. We're racing against time -- every ounce of that stuff Jack mines from the ground puts him closer to taking control of that Warrior and wiping us out. We've gotta get our hands on that Vault Key. Now, if anybody knows where that Key's being kept, it's my spy out in Tundra Express. He's as good at gathering intel as he is at drinking, so I'm sure he's sleeping off last night's booze right now. You'll need to get a fire weapon to wake him up. I'll explain when you get out there.

Roland: If you don't have a fire weapon, Marcus might sell 'em.

(Vault Hunter arrieves to Tundra Express ...)

Roland: You'll have to signal our man. I'd bet anything he's sleeping off a hangover, so you'll have to wake him up. The sound of some varkids burning alive at the same time oughtta do it. You got a fire gun, right?

(If Vault Hunter does not have a fire weapon at all ...)

Roland: If you still need a fire weapon, you might be able to buy one from a vending machine.

Roland: I stashed a fire weapon in one of the snowmen, if you need it. Just shoot the snowman in the head and you'll get your gun.

Roland: Hey, you gotta get a fire weapon to get those varkids screechin'.

(Vault Hunter acquires a fire weapon ...)

Roland: Now you should be able to burn some varkids. Good hunting.

(Vault Hunter kills some varkids using non-incendiary weapon or fails to set them on fire ...)

Roland: The varkids won't make that screechin' noise unless you burn them.

Roland: You've got to set the varkids on fire to wake our man up.

Roland: If you don't set them on fire, the varkids won't screech our man out of his hangover.

Roland: Don't forget -- you gotta set the varkids on fire, or they won't screech our man out of bed.

(Vault Hunter sets one varkid on fire ...)

Roland: Well done. Now set some more on fire before that one dies.

Roland: Keep goin', set a few more varkids on fire.

(If varkids that have been set on fire die too early ..)

Roland: Good job burnin' those varkids, but you have to keep them on fire at the same time or the screeches won't be loud enough.

Roland: Those firemelons in the area, they oughtta help you burn those varkids.

(Cutscene for Mordecai and his BFF Bloodwing ...)

Mordecai: So loud, so angry...

Mordecai: So dead.

Mordecai: Hey, Vault Hunter. Welcome to the Crimson Raiders, heh. Sorry you had to wake me up -- I mighta celebrated a little too hard last night after Bloodwing and I raided a Hyperion convoy. Ain't that right, Blood?

Bloodwing: (screech)

Mordecai: Heheheheh! Easy, girl. So, a Hyperion train is speedin' through the Tundra Express. If my intel's good, and it usually is, the Vault Key itself might be onboard. My advice? Do what I'd do: steal the Key, get drunk, pass out.

Roland: Without the Vault Key, Jack can't control the Warrior. You've gotta hijack that train, soldier. My old friend Tina can help. Go talk to her.

(While the Vault Hunter is on his way to meet Tina Teena, Mordecai's shots can be heard ...)

Mordecai: I'm an even better shot when I'm drunk!

(Vault Hunter almost at Tina's workshop ...)

Roland: Tina's a bombmaker, and a friend of mine. I've saved her life a few times, and she's saved mine even more. She'll help you out, but here's a tip: don't make any sudden movements near her.

(As the Vault Hunter gets even closer to Tina's workshop ...)

Tiny Tina: Come on iiiiin! You're missin' the fun!

(Vault Hunter enters Tina Tina's workshop ...)

(Tina Tina dances around a bandit tied up to a post...)

Tiny Tina: All around the Sta-actus plant, the stalker chased the bandit. The stalker thought 'twas all in fun -- POP!

(Tiny Tina jumps on a detonator ...)

(Title card: Tiny Tina, Worlds Deadliest 13 Year Old)

Tiny Tina: Goes the bandit!

Tiny Tina: Oh haiiii!

Tiny Tina: Roland told me you were comin' -- I still owe him for all that buttcrap with General Rancid. So, you gotta hijack a train, huh? Chiiiild's play! Lemme introduce you to my ladiessss.

Tiny Tina: (singing) Runnin' runnin' runnin', I'm runnin' over here. Run-run-run-run run.

(Tiny Tina opens the door to her workshop ...)

Tiny Tina: This here's Mushy Snugglebites, and this is Felicia Sexopants. These fiiine-ass womens could stop that train for yas, but I'ma need their badonkadonks first, and they got stoled by the bandits a few days ago. GO GET 'EM!

Tiny Tina: Nap time! (snores)

Roland: I know Tina can be... odd, but she's the most gifted demolitions expert on Pandora. Just do what she asks, and I guarantee she'll help you hijack the train and get the Vault Key.

(Vault Hunter arrives at the Buzzard Academy and starts killing bandits.)

Tiny Tina: That's right, bitches -- my big brudder's about to teach you some MANNERS! Nobody steals Mushy Snugglebites' badonkadonk and lives!

Bandit: WHO THE HELL IS MUSHY SNUGGLEBITES?!

(Vault Hunter finds and picks up the first badonkadonk.)

Tiny Tina: That's Mushy Snugglebites's badonkadonk. She's my main squeeze. Lady's got a gut fulla' dynamite and a booty like POWWW!

(Vault Hunter finds and picks up the second badonkadonk.)

Tiny Tina: Got the badonkadonks? Best day evaaaa! Bring 'em back here and I'll use 'em to make some fine-ass damsels who can hijack that train for yas.

(Vault Hunter gets back to Tiny Tina and gives her badonkadonks.)

Tiny Tina: Awesome. Just a secco. Awwwww, this gon' be good.

(Tiny Tina hits the switch for her workshop rollerdoor so she can work alone but if the Vault Hunter is still inside the workshop she will say one of the lines below ..)

Tiny Tina: Getcho butt outta my workshop, man. I gotsta be aloooone for this.

Tiny Tina: You gonna get outta my workshop or am I gonna have to shank a bitch?

Tiny Tina: (singing) Get outta my shop or I'll punch yo butt. That's how Ti-ny Ti-na roll.

(With the workshop door closed and finally alone, Tiny Tina starts working ... with some arcing noise and flashes and ocassional explosions ...)

Tiny Tina: (singing) I'm a little teapot, bloody and cut! Here is my handle, here is my butt.

Tiny Tina: Uh... whoops.

Tiny Tina: (singing) Put a little bomb in the hot-ass damsel, blow stuff up and make people die.

Tiny Tina: Squishy. Squishy-squishy-squishy.

Tiny Tina: Oh daaaaayum, you lookin' good, ladies. Let's get to work.

(Workshop door rools up, Tiny Tina standing between two missiles with toy bunnies strapped to them.)

Tiny Tina: That's right. Twin sisters, man. Hhhohhhhhh. Take 'em. Take 'em take 'em take 'em take 'em!

(Vault Hunter pick ups damsels.)

Tiny Tina: Just put my damsels near the choo-choo track and SET 'EM OFF! Good plan? Great plan!

(Vault Hunter heads over to Meltwater Crossing camp where he plants damsels on a rooftop of one of the buildings.)

Tiny Tina: Boosh! Just poke their bellies when you want me to set the 'splosives off. I gotta do it remotely.

(Vault Hunter arms damsels as requested.)

Tiny Tina: Oh snaps, son! I hear the train comin'!

Tiny Tina: Counting down! Ten! Nine!

(Damsels take off, one blows up the bridge ...)

Tiny Tina: I got bored.

(The other damsel flies away and hits her target ...)

Tiny Tina: Ahahaha! BURN ALL THE BABIES!

(Train cars come flying over the cliff, pipeline colapses, train comes to a screeching halt at the edge then falls into the river ...)

Roland: Well, that's one way to hijack a train. The Vault Key's still up on that ice shelf. Better climb that wreckage to get there.

Tiny Tina: Climb the pipe to the train, or you'll go insane. Wut-wut. That's a rap song I wrote.

(Vault Hunter climbs the pipe and enters the End of the Line.)

Roland: Search the train cars. They're probably keeping the Vault Key in the most fortified one.

(Fighting various loaders along the way, Vault Hunter reaches the Terminus Plateau ...)

Angel: Don't worry -- if Jack really wanted to protect the Vault Key, it wouldn't be on a train. He'd have Wilhelm guarding it.

(As the Vault Hunter approaches the fortified train car, it starts to rise from the ice ...)

Angel: Oh dear.

(Fotrified train car gets tossed away, revealing Wilhelm.)

Roland: It's a trap! The Vault Key's not on the train, abort the mission, soldier! I'm sorry, but you can't handle Wilhelm, trust me!

Lilith: Kid, Wilhelm nearly killed us all in New Haven without taking a scratch -- if things get bad, just run!

Angel: Roland is wrong, Vault Hunter! You CAN defeat Wilhelm, I promise you!

(Vault Hunter fights and eventually kills Wilhelm.)

Roland: You killed Wilhelm? Holy hell. Jack doesn't stand a chance.

Angel: Wilhelm dropped a power core. Be sure to grab it -- my sensors tell me it is one-of-a-kind. If you bring it to Roland, Sanctuary's shields may never need to be recharged again.

(Vault Hunter picks up the experimental power core dropped by Wilhelm.)

Roland: Woah, never seen a power core like that. The one you got from Reiss has nearly burnt out -- why don't you bring it back here? We may not have found the Vault Key, but at least Sanctuary will be safe a little longer thanks to you.

Handsome Jack: Wow. Bravo. Champagne. Cheers. High-five. Slow clap. You got the damn power core, didn't ya? You've been warned. The kid gloves are coming off. Tighten up the big-boy pants, because things are gonna get really, really bad for you Vault Hunters.

Mordecai: Sorry about the bad intel, everybody. I really thought the Vault Key would be on that train. I'll make it up to you all later -- next time I'm in Sanctuary, the beers are on me. Whatcha think, Bloodwing?

Bloodwing: (screeech)

(Vault Hunter fast-travels back to Sanctuary.)

Angel: Wilhelm nearly defeated the other Vault Hunters a couple of years ago. You have proven yourself to be even stronger than them. Well done.

(Vault Hunter heads out of the town to meet Lt. Davis and turn in the mission.)

Lt. Davis: A new power core? Woah, that looks like it could keep our shields up for months -- years, even!