Wiping the Slate/Transcript

(To do: Bolding names in transcript, Adding character-specific dialogue for Athena, Wilhelm and Claptrap)

(accepting mission)

Jack: That stinking traitor the Meriff might be dead, but I hate leaving a job unfinished. Sure, I can't kill him again -- much as I'd love to, believe me -- but I can make sure no one remembers he ever existed. Hear ol' Huxter kept a kind of diary about his exploits, hid three juicy ECHOs in his office. I want 'em gone. Find 'em, destroy them. Let's wipe his grubby slate clean.

Nisha (if present): Wow. Really?

(entering the Meriff's office)

Jack: Between you and me, the guy had an ego the size of a space station. A freaking space station. Those're -- those're pretty big.

(finding first ECHO)

Jack: Ugh, seriously, in the fish tank? What a prick! C'mon, let's hear the old goat one last time.

Meriff (ECHO recorder): First day on the new job and yeeeee-haw, it's great to be king! I've worked bloody hard to get here! Greased multiple palms, and kissed more than my fair share of arses -- ptooie! But, it's worth it. Concordia needs someone like me to steer it through some choppy waters -- tough, fair, just the right amount of open-mindedness -- and if a bit of extra money happens to fall into my pocket as I do my job, well, we'll just call that campaign finance. Feels great to leave Hyperion. There I was just a small cog in a huge machine, but here? Here, I'm a big fish! I really need to work on my visual metaphors. Point is, the future's rosy for Huxter T. Meredith, AKA, Concordia's new Meriff! Meriff: a mayor, and a sheriff. Ha!

Jack: Wow. How much crap can one guy shovel? Man, I did the universe a favor wiping out his back-shooting, traitorous ass! You know what to do.

(after destroying ECHO)

Jack: Ahhh, that was therapeutic! OK, keep snooping around for another one.

(finding second ECHO)

Jack: The old movin' bookcase, huh? That guy was a walking frickn' cliche. Nobody puts stuff behind bookcases anymore -- who even has books? Let's have some fun and see what else our bull-shovelling pal had to say for himself -- play it!

Meriff (ECHO recorder): Everything's going according to plan -- I'm richer than my wildest dreams, popular, alive. The other day Philo Simons, the guy with the weird leg, came to the office to thank me for the work I did with the food drive. Thank ME. Shook my hand, tears in his eyes -- can you believe it? --trembling chin, the works. I'm a flippin' saint! But why can't I sleep anymore? Sure, I didn't use all the money on food, but a man's gotta live! I mean, a little bit. I'm still what this place needs, aren't I? It's a hard universe and... Yeah... I can still turn this around. I can still change.

Jack: Nah, guy like that doesn't grow a conscience overnight. He said it himself, he was happy to steal the food out of peoples' mouths! Sure, it's a tough universe, but there's no excuse for being an asshole.

Jack: Unless you're funny with it, then it's kinda totally fine. But he wasn't even funny!

(finding third ECHO)

Jack: A slot machine in his own office? OK, I actually kind of respect that. Still, guy's an asshole. WAS an asshole, I should say.

Jack: Why listen to this? Just destroy the thing, will ya?

Nisha (if present): I dunno. Think it'd be kinda funny to hear what the dead guy had to say.

Jack: Pff, fine! Man, who's the boss here?

Meriff (ECHO recorder): She came last night, Dahl bitch. Made me betray Hyperion. Not that I care about the Board -- money grubbers -- just the clueless workers I'm probably helping to kill! I'm done, I'm out! I could feel the last of whatever it is I call a soul being destroyed as I accepted her payment. But I didn't want to die! And if I didn't do what she said, who knows what she'd have done to Concordia! But I did have the keys to Helios. If I leave, maybe Zarpedon and her purple army will leave my people alone. I'll go somewhere. I'll try to make a fresh start, atone for my sins. I'm running away... bloody coward! I'm the biggest arse on the moon. And there are some arses on that moon, but I'm the biggest.

Jack: So Hux was crawling around, searching for some kind of redemption, huh? Well I'll give him redemption! In fact, let's immortalize him in song! Don't destroy that last ECHO -- grab it! Take it to Moxxi's and give it to those DJ assholes, Boom and Rang. They owe me a favor -- I got them the gig.

(giving ECHO to DJ Rang)

DJ Rang: Tell Jack this makes us even.

Jack: Not even close, helmet-head. Good. While they work on that I want you to do something else. You know that terrible, ugly ass statue of our Meriff? Get me its head. I'm cooking something up and you're gonna like it.

(reaching statue)

Jack: Man, even his statue is ugly. Let's improve it and remove the head. Shoot it or whatever. This is going to be fantastic.

Nisha (if present): Wow. Really?

Jack: Yeah? do it.

(collecting head)

Jack: Good! You are gonna love this! Y'know that rocket in town? Well, we're gonna have ourselves a little launch party.

Nisha (if present): Gotcha. I love it when you get inventive.

Jack: Yeah, if this comes out anywhere close to how it is in my head, everyone in this town's gonna be talking about for like... pretty much, forever.

(reaching rocket)

Jack: Okay! See that spike on the end? The rocket needs a new figurehead. Jump right up there and decorate it.

(decorating head)

Jack: HA! Perfect! His smug face'll smash into whatever crap hole we fire it at. Speaking of which, put some coordinates for this ship to fly to... I don't know, how about Pandora. Does this planet have a butthole you can send it to? Other than this one, of course.

(aiming rocket)

Jack: Okey-dokey, looks like we're ready, people! Should really have a bottle of bubbly to smash against the side, but whatever! Launch it!

Jack: Also, let's get some party music going. Hey DJ assholes, let's hear that remix!

Concordia PA system: [dubstep music]

Concordia PA system (Meriff's voice): I'm the biggest arse on the moon.

(launching rocket)

Jack: Haha, that was great! And I'll be honest, uh... I'm feelin' pretty good.

(turning mission in)

Jack: You know what? Obliterating people is fun. Let's do it again some time!