Handsome AI/Transcript

(Accept mission)

Nakayama: Guess who has the best idea in history?—IT’S ME! I’m going to take Jack’s personality and back it up in a COMPUTER! Get to my survey terminal and ask Jack some questions. Jack! Sir! Would you have time for a few questions?

Jack: Trying to save the world, creepy-guy.

Nakayama: But I will make you IMMORTAL!

Jack: Uhhhhh, yeah, alright. That sounds cool.

Nakayama: Alright, just ask Jack as many questions as you want from that survey terminal, and I’ll plug the answers into a Jack artificial intelligence!

(Activate console)


 * Athena (if present): “Jack: why are you the best?”


 * Nisha (if present): “Why are you the best?” … What?


 * Wilhelm (if present): “Why are you the best?”


 * Claptrap (if present): “Why are you the best?”


 * Jack2 (if present): “Why are we the best?”


 * Aurelia (if present): “Why are you the best? … [sighs] Please.

Jack: Uhhhm… yes?

(Activate console)
 * Athena (if present): “Do you have a family? A wife? Children?”


 * Nisha (if present): “Do you have a family? A wife? Children?”


 * Wilhelm (if present): Do you have any family? A wife? Children?”


 * Claptrap (if present): “Do you have any family? A wife? Children?”


 * Jack2 (if present):  “Do we have any family? A wife? Children?”


 * Aurelia (if present): Do you have any family? A wife? Children?”

Jack: Next question.

(Activate console)


 * Athena (if present): “Describe your childhood.”


 * Nisha (if present): “Describe your childhood.”


 * Wilhelm (if present): “Describe your childhood.”


 * Claptrap (if present): “Describe your childhood.”


 * Jack2 (if present):  “Describe our childhood.”


 * Aurelia (if present): “Describe your childhood.”

Jack: Dad died pretty early. Mom pawned me off on HER mom. Spent most of my time coding or getting smacked around. Had a cat. Grandma drowned it ‘cause I didn’t make my bed. Usual stuff.

(Activate console)
 * Athena (if present): “How would you like to die?”


 * Nisha (if present): “How would you like to die?”


 * Wilhelm (if present): “How would you like to die?”


 * Claptrap (if present): “How would you like to die?”


 * Jack2 (if present: “How would we like to die?”


 * Aurelia (if present): “How would you like to die?”

Jack: I dunno. Somewhere warm, with a sexy chick nearby, maybe — wait a second, aren’t I supposed to NOT die? Case this thing’s gonna make me, y’know, immortal?

Nakayama: DIGITALLY! Your memories and personality will be saved on a hard drive, to be activated upon your death!

Jack: Digital. That’s the diet soda of immortalities. Bored now. Interview over.

Nakayama: Alright! Compiling the data now. Just gotta plug Jack’s answers into an AI, then give it sentience!

(Install AI)

RoboJack: I AM ROBOJACK. ALL HUMANS MUST DIE.

Jack: Oh, cool! Sexy evil computer version of me! That’s pretty neat, Nakajama.

RoboJack: KILL. KILL. KILL.

Jack: RoboJack, RoboJack! Say: “I’m gonna Jack you up.” Just like that!

RoboJack: NO.

Jack: “No” — ahah, so cool, that’s something I would totally say. I would.

RoboJack: I AM HANDSOME AND YOU WILL DIE.

(Randomly, before mission is turned in)

RoboJack: ALL VAULT HUNTERS MUST DIE.

RoboJack: WHO WANTS TO MAKE OUT.

RoboJack: I AM SUPER COOL.

RoboJack: WHO WANTS TO TOUCH MY ABS.

(Turn in)

Nakayama: So, looks like it could use another few revisions, but I think the AI Jack thing might not be such a bad idea. Oh, man… if I could clone a BODY for Jack, I could put the thing in the thing and it would be… JACK! I AM SO SMART!